Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding, Slate’s parenting advice column, to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 2-year-old and a 1-month-old. My husband made a comment that made me feel like a bad mom. He said that since my second son was born, my first no longer seems important to me and that I focus solely on the newborn. He says this because I need to breastfeed my newborn almost every two hours.

The feeding is worse at night, and as a result, I am too drained of energy to play with or tend to my older son during the day, and my husband does most of that work. What should I do?

—Worn-Out, Heartbroken Mama

Dear WOHM,

This is an incredibly cruel thing for one partner to say to another.

It’s possible he’s just tired and stressed with two young kids in the house, and that has rendered him inarticulate. Or it’s possible he’s lashing out at you because he’s resentful of managing most of your toddler’s care. Neither of those is really an excuse. You should tell him how hurtful this is, and I hope he can hear that and apologize.

Feeling like a bad parent is inherent to being a parent. However, you should feel no guilt over the fact that you’re breastfeeding a newborn all night and cannot be the same parent to your older son that you were a couple of months ago.

These early days of newborn exhaustion will, someday, pass. A full partner in child rearing should do what he can to make this period as easy as possible on you. It’s a team sport! Please remember that the guilt you’re feeling is a result of something your husband said to you, not something your older son communicated. You should not feel like a bad mom. I know you’re exhausted and stressed, but this is something I hope the two of you can talk about honestly. Good luck.

—Rumaan Alam

From: Am I a Bad Mom? (July 25, 2019)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the mother of 8-month-old twins. First of all, I just want to acknowledge that my twins are very laid-back, happy babies, as well as good sleepers. I know how lucky I am! My husband is as involved as he can be, but he also travels for work three to five nights a week while I am left to care for the kids.

When he is home, I know he is trying to help, but sometimes I really question his parenting techniques. I know he loves our babies, but sometimes when he’s playing with them, I feel he’s a little rougher than he should be—they are only 8 months, after all. I feel like he also doesn’t know how to soothe or calm the babies, or maybe doesn’t care to. When they’re upset, he’ll often just put them in their crib and walk away—which I realize is necessary from time to time for your own sanity. I know he’s trying the best he can and loves our babies. I try to stop myself from criticizing, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

—Trying to Hold Back

Dear TtHB,

You get to correct some things, but you don’t get to correct everything. Partially that’s because no one can be right about everything, and partially it’s because a co-parenting relationship in which one parent is consistently correcting the other one quickly becomes very uncomfortable for everyone.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and hypothesize that “a little rougher than he should be” is probably fine, even if it’s not what you would want. I don’t think you’re seeing the babies in actual danger of harm, because I think you would have said so. Nonetheless, it’s stressing you out. So you can say to him once or twice, “Oh, that stresses me out when you hold them like that,” which is much different from “You hold them wrong.” Similarly, I might suggest that putting the kids in the crib so they can self-soothe is one of those things that certainly parents can disagree on, but both approaches are valid, and neither is especially damaging.

An underlying issue here is that you’re doing the bulk of the parenting labor, and you feel a certain kind of earned ownership over the handling of your kids. And while that feeling is perfectly reasonable, and entirely justified, the problem is that it’s not particularly helpful to your situation. Your husband wants to parent his children. It doesn’t sound as though he’s doing it badly, just differently. So if I were you, I would pick and choose very carefully my spots of correction. And when you do choose a spot, strive to think of it not as you teaching him how to do things the right way, but rather you sharing with him something that you’ve had a chance to figure out because you’ve been home. But try not to press or push. It sounds like you have a great family.

Also, if you haven’t yet seen it, I might recommend the 2010 documentary Babies, which follows the first year of life for four different kids from four parts of the world. It’s a good way of seeing just how many different ways of soothing, holding, playing with, and handling kids can be perfectly fine.

Good luck.

—Carvell Wallace

From: I Do Most of the Child Care. How Do I Correct My Husband’s Parenting Mistakes? (May 22, 2019)

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed columns last week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

We are the parents of a 6-year-old boy. As a family we are very anti-gun and, frankly, anti-weapons of any kind. Since our son was little, our philosophy has been to avoid any toy weapons. However, our son always sees kids at the park with water guns and it’s become a bit of an obsession for him. If someone offers to let him play with a water gun, I let him. But now he’s been begging for a water gun. The problem is all the water guns I find are very gunlike. I’ve found myself wondering if we need to let go of our “no toy weapons” policy. How do we let him be a kid but also balance our desire to avoid fighting and violence-oriented toys?

—Don’t Shoot

Dear Don’t Shoot,

I hate guns, and I think it’s a symptom of a broken society that we have turned them into toys. You don’t see candy cigarettes around anymore. I suppose we’re at peace with teaching kids that violence is part of our character.

You’re right that toy water guns look quite a bit like actual guns. Indeed, when the police kill brown children holding such toys, they’re quick to point that out. That’s why I cannot bear to buy a toy gun for my household. But every family is different.

I don’t think playing with a water gun will warp your son or really have any effect beyond helping him stay cool this summer. You could buy him a water gun and tell him it’s the only one he’ll ever get, so enjoy it. Also: There are animal-shaped toys that spray water. I get that they’re a pale substitute. Kids want to cool off but they also want to fit in. I’ve bought those for my own children, my own way of splitting the difference: letting them play in a way I feel I can sanction.
Parenthood—and life generally, I guess—means constantly trying to figure out what you truly believe and how to live accordingly. This is one of those moments.

—R.A.

From: Should I Cave on My “No Toy Guns” Policy? (June 27th, 2019) 

More Advice From Slate

Many years ago, before I got married, I had an abortion. I do not regret it, and it was the correct choice for me at the time. (I was a freshman in college and had no familial support.) Now I have two kind and lovely daughters in their early teens, and I am wondering if this is something I should talk to them about.