Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My partner and I have been together for six years, have a 3-year-old child, and bought a house together four months ago. But, to be honest, I feel like our relationship ended while I was pregnant. The pregnancy was an accident, and we were long-distance at the time. My partner never wanted kids, and I felt like I had “no right” to ask for anything while I was pregnant because he didn’t want the kid to begin with. He didn’t move to my city until I was eight months pregnant, so I went through most of what was a VERY hard pregnancy alone. He never told me I was beautiful while pregnant and didn’t want to interact with my belly or anything like that.

I know I’m making him out to sound awful, but he isn’t—since our kid was born, he is a deeply loving, committed co-parent. He does all the food shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, teeth brushing, bedtime routines, daycare drop offs, etc. But we have no relationship outside co-parenting, and I am no longer in love with him. It’s been years now, more years than pre-pregnancy when we were in love. And yet, I still bought a house with him because I knew it was the only way I could ever afford a house.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m not happy, but I know I couldn’t make it as a single parent; I have chronic pain and a chronic illness that makes it extremely hard to parent alone. I know, at a minimum, we need therapy, but my partner doesn’t want to pay for it. (He says he can’t afford it, even though I found a therapist that is in our budget.) I’m just at a loss, and now I’ve got completely stuck because we just bought a house together.

—Co-Parent but No More

Dear Co-Parent,

If parenting a child alone were easier/more affordable, there would likely be many more divorces. Sometimes, a marriage is just a matter of convenience, something you’re doing because you have to, not because you want to. Don’t give up on working things out just yet.
Be honest with your husband about your feelings; tell him that you feel like your relationship never recovered from your disagreement over your pregnancy. Talk about how the lack of connection impacts you. Make a case for therapy again and let him know that you don’t think the marriage will survive without it.

If you’re unable to sway him, or if you’ve decided that you’re beyond trying to, then you may want to discuss living together as co-parents but terminating your romantic relationship (which you don’t have to get legally divorced to do.) You may even be able to agree to see other people, which will be made complicated by your living situation, but not impossible. Perhaps the two of you can learn to be friends. Do your best to make your circumstances as peaceful as possible; since you have such a solid co-parent, you should be able to make time with friends, or take long walks on occasion. Read good books. Prepare foods you enjoy. Take steps to find pleasure where you can, and be grateful that, in spite of your own malcontent, your child has two committed parents who love her.

Dear Care and Feeding,

The intense political division of the past year has magnified the already difficult relationship I have with my father. We’re both headstrong, passionate people who love our country deeply—but he’s conservative, I’m liberal, and our family dynamics can’t seem to handle that difference. Our relationship has gone from strained to silent, and we’ve essentially ghosted each other.

We’ve tried agreeing not to discuss politics, but it inevitably creeps into our conversations, ending in frustration. I’ve hung up the phone when politics comes up, begged him to stop, and even gave him “the last word,” hoping it would end the cycle. He eagerly delivered a lecture on his views—but the political jabs continued. It feels like he can’t see how much effort I’ve put into being an informed advocate for my beliefs, and he seems disappointed that his daughter is a “libtard snowflake.” He dismisses my hurt when his “teasing” about my so-called Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) crosses the line.

The final straw came last October when I called to tell him I needed surgery. Before I could share the details about the surgery, he interrupted with a joke about having the surgeon remove my TDS. I told him it was cruel to prioritize politics over my health and said he could call me back when he was ready to talk about my surgery. Two days later, he did call—and I thanked him for focusing on my health. But he followed up with, “When you stop acting crazy, I’ll stop the comments.” I quietly said, “OK, bye Dad,” and hung up. We haven’t spoken since. He still doesn’t know about my surgery, and I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without him or his side of the family.

I hate this. I hate that my elderly father and I can’t find a way to respect each other and share even a fragile peace. I’ve tried over and over, but I’m exhausted. I know he won’t agree to family therapy or any meaningful intervention, so it’s on me to come to terms with this. How do I move forward in a relationship where mutual respect seems impossible?

—Tired of the Divide

Dear Tired,

Your father has made it clear that he won’t stop bringing up politics or taking jabs at you about where you two differ. You have a decision to make: You continue communicating with him and learn to just surfer through his comments, or you limit or end contact. There are people (such as myself) who believe that we should cut off our loved ones for the offense of embracing fascism, but there are many others who maintain relationships with folks no matter how toxic their views may be. There’s no right or wrong answer here per se, it’s just a matter of you determining how much abuse you are willing to endure in order to have a relationship with your dad—and it’s completely normal for you to want to keep him in your life! You can try giving him an ultimatum; tell him that you’re only going to talk to him going forward if the two of you can avoid the topic of your political differences, full-stop. However, it seems unlikely that he’s going to change—which, I have to say, may tell you something about how much he really cares about you. Your best bet, if you can’t countenance some level of estrangement, is to accept him for who he is, and to make peace with the fact that the “relationship” you’re able to have with him isn’t going to be much of a fulfilling one at all.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Many of my friends in my social circle now have babies. The problem is they are beginning to compare one to the other—”Is yours walking yet?” “Can yours sit up by itself?”; “Is yours eating solids?”; “Has yours started talking?”; etc. Things are beginning to turn somewhat competitive and ugly. To make matters worse, I’m frequently called upon to settle disputes. All I want to do is hang out with my friends and have a good time. Is there some way I can get things back to how they were before the kids entered the picture, or at least get them to understand this isn’t a contest?

—Not Interested in Refereeing

Dear Not Interested,

“Can yours sit up by itself” gave me a good cackle, not gonna lie. Can you get things to how they were before your friends had kids? No way; their lives are simply too different now. But you can encourage them to stop competing and let them know that you feel uncomfortable being asked to referee. When one of these debates comes up, remind your pals that all their kids are awesome and that there’s no need to compare them. If you have a particular friend (or two) who is particularly egregious about this, you don’t have to wait until it happens again; give them a call and let them know how you’ve been feeling. Emphasize how great their kid is and how much you love watching them grow. Most parents aren’t even aware that they’re engaging in this sort of behavior; hopefully, they’ll take heed when you point it out.

—Jamilah