We’re mining the archives for some of Robin Abraham’s hit columns you may have missed (this one is from 2007). But keep your questions coming for the future!
My boyfriend, one of his friends, and I went to a restaurant that serves somewhat exotic pizza. The friend ordered without closely reading the menu, and when his pizza came out, he took one bite and didn’t like it. The waitress noticed and offered to get something different for him. He took one bite of the second pizza and also didn’t like it. He complained to the waitress, and she got him a third dish, which he finally ate (though still complained about). I have never sent food back and was horribly embarrassed that the friend did it twice. My boyfriend mentioned this to the friend, who refuses to apologize for his behavior. He says it’s the restaurant’s fault for having bad food. Am I crazy to be upset?
N.B. / Cambridge
No, but you are taking another person’s bad behavior personally to a far greater degree than you need to. And don’t get me wrong, his behavior was bad. If your food is spoiled or not what you ordered, send it back. If you simply don’t like it, that’s your problem, and you do what all grown-ups do when confronted by food they don’t like: eat a bit, mess the rest around on your plate, and focus on the delights of conversation rather than cuisine.
I’m not even sure what your boyfriend’s friend thought was going to be accomplished by sending the pizza back twice. If he didn’t like the first two offerings, what on earth made him think three would be the charm? But it’s not your problem. Some bad behavior — racist comments, drunken driving, sexual harassment — warrants a third party stepping in. Aggravated pizza rejection in the first degree doesn’t measure up to that standard of wrongness. If you continue to find his behavior annoying, tell your boyfriend that you don’t enjoy Mr. Picky’s company and will find other entertainment for yourself when they go out together.
My husband and I are in our late 20s and often have friends over for dinner. However, we rarely get a return invitation and are tired of almost always being the hosts. We both grew up with our mothers’ rule of returning invitations — does this no longer stand? If that rule is still in effect, how do we deal with deadbeat friends?
K.T. / Watertown
Social norms are constantly changing, and there’s no single authority about what “rules” are in effect or not. And would it matter if there were? If I told you the rule of returning invitations had expired five years ago, would you cease to be annoyed? I doubt it. If I said the rule still held, do you think that would make them start polishing the silver? I doubt that, too.
Because of this, it’s often better to rely on broad principles rather than on narrow rules. I can think of two that might apply in your case. The first is “Friends should give and receive generously and graciously.” Note this doesn’t say what friends should give and receive. Perhaps your friends hate to cook and are embarrassed by their modest apartment but always contribute to causes you’re raising money for, or water your plants when you’re out of town, or lend books and DVDs with abandon. Why not be content to let them give according to their talents? Another principle is “Don’t keep doing unnecessary things that you resent.” If cooking dinner for friends who don’t return the invitations is beginning to annoy you, and the fact that you’re willing to call them “deadbeats” indicates that it is, then stop. Instead, suggest a potluck, or invite yourself over and say, “We’ll bring wine if you’ll order some Chinese,” or socialize in whatever other way fits your relationship, budget, and temperament.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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