Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Despite not having children of my own, I have set off a neighborhood parental civil war. I bought a house bordering a wooded area in a fairly developed neighborhood. It includes a small pond. Come winter, I shoveled the pond off, bought a hockey goal, and used the pond for skating. A few days later, the doorbell rang, and a small gang of pre-teens were asking if they could skate. I said sure, anytime, as long as it was okay with their parents. The pond is not right next to the house. I can see that it is in use from my home, but there’s enough tree cover that I can’t exactly supervise.

A friend raised a concern about liability, so I asked my lawyer, who said that as long as it was clear that skating was “at your own risk” and unsupervised, I should be okay. So, I put up a little sign that said, “Feel free to use the pond to skate at your own risk. There is no supervision. Please be respectful of other users and clean up after yourself.” Most neighborhood parents have been thrilled. Some seem to let their kids skate alone, others only when an adult is present.

Well, one neighborhood dad has started a crusade against the pond. He feels it is unsafe for children to be skating alone and came to my house to tell me that. I said that I wouldn’t make that call for any parents, and everyone was free to decide when their children were old enough to use the pond unsupervised. If he isn’t comfortable with his kids skating, he can be the one not to let them skate. Even so, he’s taken to Facebook and Nextdoor to complain. He has a few backers, but most neighborhood parents are comfortable with the “make your own parenting choices” policy. Recently, he went to a town council meeting to complain. I understand that he was largely laughed at and told that the town wouldn’t parent for him.

Do I have any obligation here? This dad doesn’t want to have hard parenting conversations with his kids about how their friends can go to the pond but they can’t, so he wants to ruin everyone’s fun. And the drama is getting tiring.

—Iced Out

Dear Iced Out,

I don’t think there’s much else to be done here. You’ve received guidance from your lawyer that you’re not liable for any accidents, and it sounds like the majority of parents in the area are either on board or simply feel fine telling their kids to skip the pond without impacting anyone else. That said, I would consider the possibility that this dad isn’t mad that he’s had to tell his kids “no,” but rather that he may be simply concerned about the possibility of someone getting seriously hurt at an unsupervised ice skating pond. I would never let my children go somewhere like that unattended, and there are children in your community doing exactly that. I do urge you to consider how you might feel if a kid were to be badly injured on your property; while you may ultimately escape legal liability, you could still have to deal with a prolonged court battle. Maybe you should consider amending your sign to indicate that children under 12 must be accompanied by a parent; you won’t always be able to enforce this, but at least you’d be making an effort to ensure younger kids weren’t out there alone. But as far as stopping this one dad’s crusade, there’s not much you can do.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter “Carol” (16) had a hard time two years ago. I could tell she was depressed. I tried to figure out what was wrong, to no avail. I asked her everything it could be for a long time, until she finally admitted someone did something bad to her. I asked her about everyone who it could be. She wouldn’t answer. I kept asking her names till she said it was her cousin, “Sam.”  I immediately started calling family members and letting them know what happened. One of my sisters told my sister and Sam’s mom, ”Tabitha.” Tabitha immediately started calling me, saying it wasn’t true. She talked to Sam, but he denied it. I told her, “Of course he did.”

For months, she and I argued endlessly, with her calling names, threatening violence, and even calling me a racist (her son is biracial). I asked my family to cut her and family off. I refused to be around anyone who was around them. It did not go over well. The last few years have been rough with family gatherings, holidays, and birthdays.

Yesterday, my daughter came to me crying. She told me she made the whole thing up. She said I was pressuring her, I kept saying his name, and she knew how I felt about him. She says she’s sorry and misses her cousin (he was her only first cousin on my side of the family around the same age). I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to believe this. Even if I do believe this and Sam is innocent, how can I ever forgive Tabitha for what she did? She never apologized when it first happened about the stuff she said.

—Needs an Apology First

Dear Needs an Apology,

Beloved, if it turns out that Carol wasn’t telling the truth about Sam harming her, you really shouldn’t be looking for an apology. You need to try to get to the bottom of what actually happened to your child. If you haven’t already, I suggest you secure the services of a therapist that Carol and you can talk to about what happened; she may feel more comfortable opening up to a professional.

Either way, you need to talk to her about how serious all this is and how important it is for her to be completely honest. If something did happen to her, she needs to tell you, and if she did make everything up, she is the one who needs to be apologizing. I don’t think I have to tell you that there is a long history of false accusations of sexual violence at the hands of boys and men of color; I don’t condone Tabitha threatening violence, but if your daughter did concoct this whole incident, there’s no need to relitigate how she reacted. You say Carol landed on Sam because you kept bringing up his name and the way she perceived you “felt” about him. How did you feel about him? Might Tabitha have had any other reason to think you’d be prejudiced against him?

I understand why you reacted as you did and that you only wanted to protect your daughter. There is the possibility that Carol’s original story is true, but for some reason, she’s decided to walk it back. There’s also the chance that she did, in fact, make everything up. Do your best to create a safe space for her to tell you what is what. If you believe that Carol was dishonest, you should speak to Tabitha to let her know that you were simply taking your child at her word and regret any pain that was caused. You also should ensure that everyone you let know about the initial allegation is informed. If Carol made this up, she must apologize to Sam, but she should not expect that he will wish to have a relationship with her going forward.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been with my husband “Darryl” for eight years, and we have a 5-year-old daughter and an 18-month-old son. I wasn’t feeling well recently, so I went to the doctor. To make a long story short, I learned I am hypertensive and have high cholesterol. My doctor told me I needed to lose at least 100 pounds, exercise, and switch to a healthier diet. She said while I am still relatively young (34), this needs to be addressed now before it causes long-term damage and/or I end up with diabetes.

When I told Darryl my numbers and about what my doctor advised me, he tried to minimize it, saying a person can be healthy at any weight, and that he’s known people with worse blood pressure and cholesterol readings who are “perfectly fine.” He also said “I would love you no matter how much you weigh,” and how our society puts too much pressure on women to be thin.

The thing is, my husband has a fetish for large women (I’ve always been a big girl) and sabotaged past efforts of mine to lose weight, so I can put two and two together as to why he’s being dismissive of my doctor’s instructions. But now my health is at risk, and he still isn’t taking this seriously. It would be nice if he could be supportive, but he keeps ordering take-out for dinner and bringing junk food into the house “for the kids,” and I don’t have a lot of willpower when the food is right in front of me, or I’m exhausted from getting off work.

When I ask him to take walks around the block with me, he always has an excuse as to why he can’t: He’s too tired, is in the middle of something, it’s easier for him to stay at home to watch the kids than take them with us, etc. My requests to see a couples counselor to resolve this have been brushed aside. While I love Darryl, I want to be there to see my kids grow up and be an active participant in their lives rather than having to sit and watch from the sidelines because I don’t have the energy to run around with them. Should I simply soldier on and try to lose weight without the support of my husband, or is this something worth reevaluating my marriage over?

—Heavy Heart

Dear Heavy Heart,

Before you reevaluate your marriage, I’d consider giving Darryl another opportunity to get on board with your weight loss. Point out that if you were dealing with a health concern that didn’t impact your desirability (in his eyes), he’d likely be supportive. Tell him that you are serious about losing weight and if he wants things to be good between the two of you, he’ll be supportive. Insist on couples counseling; a neutral third-party may be able to help him better understand how selfish he’s being. Invite him to accompany you to a doctor’s appointment so he can hear her concerns for himself. If you haven’t already, talk to him about how your desire to be active with your kids is informing your choice, and ask him to stop using them as pawns. Demand that he not to bring unhealthy foods in the house, and when he does, immediately throw them away. Let him see how serious you are about your goal; if he doesn’t step it up and support you, then you have some things to think about. Don’t let him gaslight you about society’s standards for women, because that is not his concern here. He prefers big women so he wants you to stay big. If this relationship is going to survive, he’s going to have to prioritize your needs over his desires.

—Jamilah