Millennials aren’t telling their kids to be “obedient” anymore—here’s why

A millennial mom and sex education expert has shared why parents no longer describe their children as “obedient.”

Kathleen Hema (@thekathleenhema), who taught sex education in American schools for almost 10 years, made an observation after hosting her friends and their kids and later discussing it with her mother.

“My mom was complimenting my friends’ kids, saying how lovely they were, including how polite, obedient, and well-mannered,” Hema, who now shares how to talk to children about sex online, told Newsweek.

“She is a boomer, so when she made this compliment, she genuinely meant it in the nicest way possible. But the word ‘obedient’ just stuck out to me because I had not heard parents that I work with use that word to describe their kids.”

In a video that garnered 229,300 views on TikTok, Hema drew a parallel between the decline in using the word “obedient” and the growing emphasis on bodily autonomy in modern parenting.

Hema explained that millennial parents she works with, who have children between the ages of 4 and 13, often prioritize teaching their kids that “stop means stop” and “no means no.”

This shift is rooted in preventing potential child sexual abuse (CSA). She noted that millennial parents, having witnessed the #MeToo movement, are acutely aware of the prevalence of CSA.

They understand that children who are taught to listen and obey without question may be more vulnerable to exploitation. Instead, they focus on empowering their children to set boundaries and assert their autonomy.

She also addressed why she recommends parents begin discussing sex education with their children between the ages of 7 and 9.

According to Hema, children typically encounter the word “sex” and ask questions about it within this age range.

Furthermore, this timing aligns with the World Health Organization’s recommended guidelines for sex education. She also highlighted that CSA statistics indicate that the average age of reported abuse is 9 years old, and educating children early is crucial in prevention efforts.

Experts Weigh In

Deborah Duley, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Empowered Connections, LLC, believes this shift away from the word “obedient” extends beyond millennials and the #MeToo movement.

Duley told Newsweek that parenting philosophies have been evolving away from an authoritarian style for decades, with a transformation beginning in the late 1970s and 1980s.

“The word ‘obedient’ really belongs to that old-school parenting mindset—the whole ‘children should be seen and not heard’ era, when phrases like ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ were still floating around and physical punishment was just the norm,” she said.

Many Boomer parents, having experienced rigid upbringings themselves, sought to raise their Gen X children to be independent thinkers rather than unquestioning followers.

Leah Forney, founder of SAAVE ME (Sexual Assault Advocacy for Victims Everywhere), echoed the importance of this shift with Newsweek, particularly within marginalized communities.

She explained that historically, Black, Indigenous and People of Color (BIPOC) communities have emphasized “respecting elders” without question, which has sometimes left children without the confidence to speak up when they feel unsafe.

“This shift is deeply informed by movements like #MeToo, which have heightened awareness of how grooming and abuse occur. Children who are taught to comply without question may be more vulnerable to manipulation,” she said.

Forney said that modern parenting efforts aim to break this cycle by teaching children about consent, boundaries, and self-advocacy from a young age.

Margaret Quinlan, professor of Communication Studies and Director of Health and Medical Humanities at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte, shared her personal experience navigating this shift in parenting with Newsweek.

Raised in a strict Catholic environment, she had to unlearn many of the messages she was taught about deference to authority.

“I have researched the #medtoo movement in medical schools and sexual assault on college campuses so as I raise my 10-year-old and 7-year-old (today!), I encourage my children to confide in me when/if they feel uncomfortable/unsafe.

“Teaching my children boundaries around sexual abuse awareness is not easy work to do, as I have had to unlearn some of the messages I received growing up. I have learned strategies for improving my parenting from millennials,” she said.

Quinlan aims to raise respectful and well-mannered children, but not at the expense of their bodily autonomy.

Social Media Reacts

The discussion sparked significant conversation on social media, with many users sharing their thoughts on the evolving approach to parenting.

“My husband constantly slips up and says ‘you have to do what I say because I’m an adult’ and I have to jump in and say ‘no no no, that’s not true!’ But it’s hard for him to reprogram his upbringing,” said Emily.

“I use ‘polite’ or ‘well-behaved’ but I know these things are situational. A lot of kids are polite to me because I am polite to them. Well-behaved means being able to take feedback or ask important questions,” commented another user, V.

“I was just telling my sister we don’t want our parents’ advice because they valued obedience over our needs,” another parent said.

“I think with older generations, obedience in kids was a thing because they didn’t see their kids as people, more like pets. Our generation recognizes that children are people,” another user said.