Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I just visited my brother and his wife in another state with my daughters, who are 9 and 7. We have a great relationship with them; they’ve always been a big part of my kids’ lives, even with the distance. They’ve visited us a few times a year, but this was our first time visiting them since the girls were very small.

As soon as we arrived and got settled, my sister-in-law sat the kids down and kindly explained the importance of not letting their kitten out of the house. Our cat at home goes outside, so everyone thought it was a good idea to set expectations for being in a new place. For the first few days, everyone was on top of it while coming and going. I was really proud of the girls for their attentiveness and for the responsibility they took for the kitten.

But on our last full day, the girls went out to play and didn’t shut the door behind them. The kitten escaped, and we had a tough few hours searching everywhere for her. She turned up unharmed, and my brother and SIL were very patient and gracious with my kids, though they were understandably distressed. The girls apologized and helped with the search. It feels like everyone did everything right on either side of a careless mistake, but I can’t help but wonder how to proceed as a parent.

I don’t want to shame the girls or hang this over their heads, but now that we’re home, I do want to circle back to the incident. I want them to understand that even though it all ended up OK, it very well could have gone the other way—and that, either way, their mistake made their aunt and uncle feel very worried and upset. We’re a big “natural consequences” family, and that has always worked well for us in the past, but in this case, I’m struggling to even identify a related “consequence,” and it doesn’t quite feel like the right approach. How would you handle this teaching moment?

—Kitten Conundrum

Dear Conundrum, 

I suppose, to an extent, this depends on the specifics surrounding the kitten search, but my gut says that they’ve already experienced the natural consequences of their actions—their playtime was put on hold while they searched for the kitten. Moreover, they probably experienced emotional turmoil: worry for the animal and guilt over how it affected their aunt and uncle. It sounds like this lesson has been learned, so I think it’s OK to let it rest. However, if you feel the need to drive the point home, you could have them each write a letter of apology to your brother and sister-in-law, reflecting on their mistake and what they’ll do differently next time. Other than that, let it go—until your next visit, when you can give them a reminder.

—Allison

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