Is it ever a good idea to talk about your child behind their back?
Over the years, mom and social media influencer Hannah Cases has come across several videos of parents “talking behind” their child’s back in a positive way that the child is meant to overhear.
“It really stuck with me,” Cases tells TODAY.com, and she knew she wanted to try the trend with her toddler daughter, Georgia.
“I’ve seen firsthand how the way I speak about my daughter, both to her and around her, deeply affects her. I started noticing that even when conversations weren’t directed at her, she was still listening closely,” the St. Louis, Missouri mom tells TODAY.com.
In a video posted to TikTok earlier this month, we hear Hannah and her husband, Daniel Cases, complimenting Georgia. They call her a good listener and say they are proud of her. They talk about how good she is at coloring and how so many people love her. Georgia listens intently and then interrupts her parents. Much to their “surprise,” she had been listening all along.
“Watching her little smile grow while she heard us share all the things we were proud of was such a sweet and powerful moment,” Hannah Cases says. “It reminded me that even at a young age, our kids deeply internalize the words we speak about them.”
Dr. Joshua Stein, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with PrairieCare, tells TODAY.com talking “behind” kids’ backs is a “unique way to praise children and honor their progress.”
“If parents decide to participate in this trend, it can serve as a positive and thoughtful way to boost their child’s confidence when done authentically,” Stein says.
“When a child ‘overhears’ a parent sharing a positive story about them, it can be deeply affirming. These moments can inspire the child to persevere through challenges with a stronger sense of self-worth and capability.”
There was no mistaking the smile on Georgia’s face when she overheard her parents “talking behind her back,” but are there any possible pitfalls to this seemingly sweet trend?
According to Stein, the downside exists not in the trend itself, but the sharing of it on social media. He suggests not posting the interaction at all, or at least getting consent to both record your child and post online.
“Especially in teenagers, almost anything filmed by parents would be considered cringe or uncomfortable, even under the best circumstance.” he says.
“It’s important to remind parents that digital content lasts, and when they post on their child’s behalf, they are contributing to their child’s digital footprint. Moments that may feel heartwarming now, while a child is young, may later feel embarrassing to them as they grow older. Oversharing about a child online can also create pressure for them to appear perfect, leading to anxiety or feelings of perfectionism,” he says.
Cases says the interaction with Georgia reminded her about the importance of being intentional with the words we use with our kids.
“Seeing her light up from hearing positive things made me think about how damaging it could be if a child hears criticism or negativity spoken about them instead,” she says. “It reminded me, and I hope it reminds other parents too, that our words carry weight. What we say to and about our children, even when we think they’re not listening, shapes their sense of self more than we realize.”
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