Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I live and work in a very small town, isolated from any other populated area by a treacherous two-hour drive. Many in my town are connected families—as in, we are practically all cousins, although some are more distantly related than others. A new family moved back recently; they are a family of 10, with the father claiming distant relations to multiple community members. I see these folks every day except Sundays because we all work in the same little roadside tourist stop.

Here’s my quandary. All eight kids are always up working with the dad and mom for the entire daily 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. hustle. These guys “homeschool” all their kids, but I never see them getting educated, just working—and working hard, running the cash register, making plates of barbecue, chopping and stacking wood, carrying five-gallon water and propane tanks. It’s all day, every day. Never a book, computer, or other educational implement handy.

I was raised to mind my own business, but where does one draw the line between doing that and neglecting the welfare of these kids? By being polite and letting each to their own, am I harming these kids? What future will they have if they never get any schooling? I’m genuinely concerned, but don’t know what to do.

—MYOB in Smalltown USA?

Dear MYOB,

Do you know of anyone closer to the family (either socially or through family connections) who shares your same concerns? Is there someone you trust who might be able to raise these concerns person-to-person? It might be your more successful option. For example, maybe the family wants to educate the kids more but can’t make it work; a community member might know another homeschooling parent who could help out. Reporting agencies and social workers are vital resources, but if the community can step in so a caseworker doesn’t have to, that might be the best path forward.

If you don’t know anyone in the community who can reach out, and you feel a report is necessary for the kids’ well-being, start by learning what your state does and doesn’t require in terms of homeschooling. As you can see on this map, some states have a high degree of oversight, while most have very little. You can click on the map for a little more information about what your specific state mandates (but most of the information is behind a paywall). You can find more information about your state’s protocols by visiting your board of education website. You’ll likely find information there about how to register any concerns. For example, the Illinois Board of Education advises folks with concerns such as yours (where you fear the kids are in “educational neglect” as they term it) to contact “your Regional Office of Education or Intermediate Service Center to make a report.” It bears mentioning that if you feel like the children are suffering any other kind of neglect, you can make a report through your state’s department of child and family services. And if you think the family might be violating child labor laws, you can contact the Department of Labor. Again, anonymity may vary by state and by department.

I know making a report can sound tricky—it feels like you’re the one making the judgment call on whether these kids are getting what they need. But the purpose of a reporting system like that is to raise a proverbial yellow flag and let the experts do the assessment. Feel free to ask ahead of time whether your report will be anonymous, since I imagine there could be some social fallout if an investigation were to happen and be tied to you.

I’m not suggesting you need to file all these reports; obviously, your conscience and your interpretation of the situation should guide the way. But if you truly think something is amiss, I think it’s OK to make a call.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 3-year-old son, “Johnny,” will not stop playing in the toilets. Any instance where I leave him unsupervised results in him disappearing and me inevitably finding him playing with toys in one of the bathrooms with toilet water and toilet paper everywhere. Timeouts don’t seem to be effective, and getting rid of our toilets obviously isn’t an option. Johnny is going through potty training, so locking the bathroom doors from the outside with locks that only my husband and I can reach is also out. Any suggestions?

—Bathroom Bedlam

Dear Bathroom,

Johnny isn’t able or interested in changing his bedlam behavior right now, so in the short term, I suggest you take away the props he’s using to create his chaos. Keep toilet paper on a high shelf or cabinet, and get a locking mechanism for the toilet so that the room remains accessible while the bowl does not. Think about other tricks like turning the water valve off between uses or keeping the sink full of water so he has an acceptable alternative for his desired water play.

Then, adjust your expectations for potty supervision. It sounds like you’re trying to foster independence and thus not accompanying Johnny to the toilet each time nature calls, but you might have to do just that until the desire to play in the potty passes. Plus, you can always just unlock the toilet and leave while he’s doing his business to keep some autonomy in the picture.

Finally, think about ways to encourage desirable behaviors, not just dissuading him from the undesirable. For example, compliment him when he chooses to play in the sink instead of the potty, or when he goes a day without playing in the toilet. Depending on Johnny’s developmental stage, you can consider a tool like a sticker chart that rewards desired behaviors.

I’m sure you’re annoyed and grossed out by all of this. Just take solace in the fact that he won’t go to college driving boats through the toilet bowl. Eventually, this will pass, so in the meantime, I wish you luck, patience, and sanity.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have sole custody of my 2-year-old son. His father and I were never married and barely in a relationship. He pays reasonable child support, which I depend on to give my son a decent life; I make enough to get by on my own, but that’s it. Recently, my son’s father has gotten into caving. I’m terrified he’s going to die wedged in a hole underground and leave me with no way to care for my child. He makes a good salary but doesn’t own property or have enough savings to be much help if he were to pass away. I have suggested he buy life insurance, with his child as the beneficiary, if he continues this hobby. But he’s dragging his feet. Should I take him to court over this? Is there anything else I can do?

—Wish I Hadn’t Hooked Up with a Caveman

Dear Caveman,

I am a proponent of life insurance for parents no matter what hobby you’re into, since car accidents, cancer, and a host of other major life events could be waiting in the wings for any of us. I’ve written before about how my husband’s life insurance has been critical to my own family in the years following his death, and I encourage all parents to look into this if at all financially possible. (And while you’re at it, be sure you have your will, living will, and power of attorney settled too!)

However, the fact is that some people balk at the idea of getting life insurance. Maybe it’s the paperwork, maybe it’s the fear of what it will cost, or maybe it’s just the idea of confronting one’s own mortality. So, try to be sensitive to your son’s dad and find out more about what has him so hesitant. Best case scenario, it’s just logistical inertia, and he’d allow you to find the provider and make the appointment. Worst case, you might need to do a bit more hand-holding to make this happen.

Whether you can take your son’s dad to court is a question best asked of a family law attorney. But another thing to consider is that you also might be able to take out a policy on his dad on your own. You’d still need Dad’s consent, but you’d be more in the driver’s seat. Note that you might also be on the hook for contributing to the premiums, though. Consult with a fiduciary financial advisor and make a plan with your attorney. Good luck!

—Allison

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