For a new feature, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Hey Prudence,
Re Take It Outside: I don’t really have a question so much as a request for your readers: patience and human kindness! I have a 10-year-old son with autism and several behavioral issues. He is high-masking so he looks “normal” but he is neurodivergent. Most of the time, we know his limits and we do our best not to exceed them. We also do not want to, cannot, and should not be required to be locked away and never out in public.
The other day, we were coming back from a family excursion, and traffic on the interstate was really bad, so we decided to stop for dinner at a mid-range chain restaurant with table service. (Not fast food but not fine dining either!)
We either would have stopped for dinner or been stuck on the road for an extra hour, stuck in traffic—and then would have had hangry kids and possibly a meltdown of epic proportions. My son had been doing pretty well. We didn’t realize how tired and hungry he was. Nor did he. He had a meltdown in the restaurant. We did our best to manage it, but, yes, I’m sure it bothered other patrons. Once he’d had some food, he did much better. We’d even asked the waitress to bring some rolls early for the kids, and I took him on a walk around the restaurant to distract him because he was fighting viciously with his brother. Honestly, I don’t really feel bad about it.
Children are allowed to exist and go out and about in the world. Sometimes children will misbehave in public. Sometimes parents should have predicted it, sometimes not. Sometimes we did predict it, but it was still our least-bad option! Having a neurodivergent child, I feel the sting of this, and I know these comments (and sometimes actions!) are directed at me more often than others. But my kids are allowed to exist in the world, and sometimes, yes, they will misbehave in public. If it’s normal kid behavior, I didn’t put them in a predictable situation they couldn’t handle and where they didn’t belong, and I handled a (sometimes very difficult!) situation the best I could … frankly, I’m not sorry! And the problem isn’t my kids.
—Get Your Own House In Order First
I’m happy to share this message with readers, and I wish you didn’t have to worry about what people would think or say while simply trying to feed your family. If you see this, I wonder if you could share how people like your fellow restaurant patrons could respond to make things easier (or at least, not unnecessarily more difficult) for your family. Is it better for people to avert their eyes and try to give you privacy to manage the meltdown? Or would you appreciate smiles, offers to help out (“We already have our bread basket. Could you guys use it?”), or assurances that you’re doing a good job? Write back!
Hey Prudence,
For the letter writer, Sleep No More: The letter writer doesn’t say what size bed they own, but if they don’t have a king-size bed, it seems like that’s a good starting point. To deal with a bed hog, try the Scandinavian sleep method, where each person has their own covers.
I have a king-size bed and barely know my husband is there most of the time, and it’s absolutely terrible when we’re in a hotel and have to share a smaller bed. If we had to share a smaller bed on a regular basis, we’d be in a sleep divorce situation. So get a king-size bed, your own sheets, and earplugs, LW.
—Get a King Bed
Hey Prudence,
Re Sleep No More: My grandparents slept in twin-size beds that were very close together. She was tiny and he was big, so it kept her from being crushed. Add earplugs for the snoring, and voila!
—Peggy
Hey Prudence,
Re Sleep No More: What about a split king-size bed and separate bedding? It’s a financial investment if you don’t have one, but you can sleep together, wear some earplugs for the snoring, and no worries on blanket hogging and kicking.
—Taylor
These are great ideas! A king-size bed could be a really good investment. When house hunting a few months ago, my only absolute non-negotiable was a bedroom big enough to fit one. And separate bedding could help a lot, too. I wonder why many Americans haven’t picked up on the Scandinavian method. A lot of people—including, hopefully, this reader—could be saved from sleep divorces.
Hey Prudence,
To “Daughter Woes”: I don’t see any mention of seeing a counselor. She’s 18 and out of school—make therapy a requirement for her to continue living in your home. Individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy, even online support groups—she needs counseling, and so do her parents. While it’s understandable that a 14-year-old might not like giving up her position as an “only” child, somewhere along the line, the parents should have put their foot down about her behavior. Their son got the heck out of Dodge the minute he legally could, their daughter is unmanageable and taking advantage of them. They seem to be allowing it. Even if the daughter decides to move out, the parents need to figure out what their part is in this mess. This may not be the right home for another child to grow up in.
—Therapy Works
I never love the idea of forcing someone into therapy. It’s hard enough to find a provider who is a great fit when you actually want to be there and are showing up hoping to get something out of it. But I do hope that the conversation I suggested, if it does lead to the daughter opening up about something she’s struggling with, could lead to another conversation about the possibility of talking to someone.
I certainly hope things aren’t so bad there that the letter writer’s son won’t be able to thrive in the home, but I agree that some introspection on the part of the parents is definitely in order.
Hey Prudence,
Welcome back! It’s so good to be listening to you again. I had a follow-up to the question from the picky eater on the podcast. My spouse has a variety of food sensitivities and restrictions that make it very nearly impossible for someone else to cook for her. Her solution is just to bring her own food almost everywhere. She usually explains this by saying something like, “I have a bunch of restrictions, so it’s just easier to bring my own.” Since she’s still eating at the same time as everyone else, it’s usually only awkward for a few moments, and then everyone moves on.
—Erin
Thank you! I think this could work really well, especially if, as we discussed on the podcast, the letter writer can get into the mindset to confidently and casually explain her diet without being horrified at the thought of questions or comments.
Classic Prudie
Seriously, the diamond in my engagement ring is way too large! I know this sounds like a humblebrag or the rant of a crazy person, but it is true. My fiancé and I have been talking marriage for a couple of years, and he proposed over the holidays. I said yes of course. He didn’t have a ring and said he was going to surprise me with one. All good so far—honestly I love this guy to the moon and back so I was thrilled. Then two weeks ago he gave me the ring…
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