‘Stuck’ In The Moment: A Pleasant Steak Experience Gone Horribly Wrong

Okay, it wasn’t a whole steak. But, it might as well have been. If you learn one thing from the internet today, let it be this. Chew your freaking food before you swallow it. Here’s why you should take that advice from me. It’s a delightful story that involves a gigantic piece of meat, a blocked esophagus, cow-like regurgitation, and paralyzing hiccups.

Last Tuesday evening for dinner, I was enjoying a delicious New York Strip steak. Before cooking it, I marinated it in a spectacular Blackberry Wine BBQ Sauce. For my side orders, I made some roasted broccoli and some macaroni and cheese. Sounds good, right?  Well, it was. For about two minutes. I was just a few bites into my meal when disaster struck.

When I took my fifth bite of steak (and, yes, I was counting), I felt the discomfort instantly. My throat constricted like someone had wrapped it in shapewear from Spanx. It started to burn and I struggled to breathe. After about a minute- in which I was afraid to swallow for fear something was going to get stuck and I would choke to death- I relaxed just enough to take a drink of water. That set into motion a 14-hour ordeal that ultimately landed me at the Owensboro Surgery Center.

During that 14-hour crucible, my throat and chest were burning. I was convinced I was having some sort of massive acid reflux episode. I tried chewing three TUMS tablets. I figured that would give me the quickest relief. Only, I couldn’t swallow the tablets. I actually ended up regurgitating them. In fact, I was regurgitating everything- the TUMS, some mac & cheese, broccoli, pieces of steak, and some water. It was disgusting. And uncomfortable. I spent more time hovering over the toilet Tuesday night than I did during my entire fraternity run in college.

The regurgitation, because it wanted to upstage itself, triggered a brutal series of hiccups that lasted the entire night and the next morning. Yes. I had hiccups for nearly 14 hours. It was torture. It felt like some school kids got a stick and beat my diaphragm like it was a pinata.

When Wednesday morning rolled around (and, no, I didn’t get any sleep Tuesday night), I went into work. I have a morning radio show and that show must go on. Of course, I had to apologize in advance to my audience and co-host. I knew it was going to be rough ride and it was. I couldn’t really talk. I couldn’t finish a simple sentence without hiccuping or burping. Yes. I was expelling my internal gasses on the friggin’ radio!

I was able to reach out to Dr. Victoria Edwards, who is my General Practitioner. Luckily, she was able to squeeze me in for an emergency office visit. That visit was marked by me power-spewing a fourth of a bottle of water all over the examination room. Yes! I was still regurgitating. I literally couldn’t not swallow anything and keep it down.

Dr. Edwards said, “I think you have a food obstruction.”

What???

Yes. Because I mentioned to her that it felt like something was still sitting in my throat, she said that it was likely a big piece of beef- just in there hanging out like it had squatting rights. She then called the Owensboro Surgery Center and they immediately worked me into their schedule for an endoscopy.

Guess what?? Dr. Edwards was right. I indeed had a food obstruction. I had a gigantic piece of steak stuck in my lower esophagus. Shout out to Dr. Lalama for getting it out and giving me the photographs to terrorize my friends (and you) with!

Here’s the deal. Here’s why this happened. I eat in the manner like I do everything else in my life. Like I have zero time to be doing it. I do everything in a hurry and that includes chewing my food. Clearly, since I had a small cow lodged in the depths of my throat, I am not chewing enough.

So, how many times are you supposed to chew your food before following? I did a quick search for YouTube videos and found this.

I also did a quick Google search and, according to Healthline.com, the average number of times that most foods should be chewed before swallowing it is 32. Some foods- like nuts and, you guessed it, steak- likely require more chewing. Maybe I should have consulted the interwebs before dinner last week.

But, hey!  Lesson learned. After being miserable for 14 hours, paying my $65 copay and currently awaiting to see how much I have to pay out-of-pocket for having steak plucked out of my face with a scope, I will forever, moving forward, chew my food and savor every single bite.