Help! I Gave My Neighbor Strict Rules About Our Kids Swimming at Their House. I’m Beside Myself Over What Happened.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Not long ago, my 6-year-old daughter “Kendra” went over to play with a classmate of hers, “Cory,” who lives around the corner from us. Cory’s parents have a pool in their backyard. Even though Kendra knows how to swim and they have fencing around it, I made it clear that there needs to be an adult present when the kids are playing there, which they agreed to.

About a half an hour after I dropped Kendra off, I received a call from Cory’s mother, “Sandy.”

She said that I needed to come get Kendra because she had fallen into the pool. She was all right, Sandra assured me, just soaked. I grabbed a change of clothes for my daughter and drove over. As it turned out, Sandy had needed to change her baby son’s diaper while out in the backyard watching the kids. She asked her 11-year-old son, “Brian,” who was out with them, to keep an eye on Kendra and Cory while she was gone. Brian then took the opportunity to push the kids into the pool as they were playing with a remote-control boat. They had apparently tattled on him earlier for taking extra cookies from the kitchen and this was how he chose to get back at them.

After this, I no longer am comfortable letting Kendra play at Cory’s. Even though Sandra apologized and grounded Brian for a month, this was a safety issue that mattered to me and she didn’t respect my wishes. Kendra is upset with me now that she can’t go to Cory’s anymore. Both my husband and Sandra think I’m taking this too far. Am I in the right here?

—Safety Matters

Dear Safety Matters,

Yes, you are one hundred percent in the right. It’s upsetting to hear everyone say you’re being unreasonable, but do you know what would be more upsetting? Losing your kid to a drowning accident because you gave in to the pressure. Kendra and Cory can play at your house, and if they really want to swim at Sandra’s, you can insist on being there to supervise. If you want to make sure things don’t get awkward, blame your own anxiety and ask for understanding from her (even though we both know the real issue is her negligence).

Dear Prudence,

I am 49, newly divorced, and I find myself without close friends. For the past two years, I’ve been actively trying to build connections. I go to church and volunteer, rent a box at the community garden to meet other gardeners, attend events at the local library, chat with vendors at the farmers market, and know all my neighbors by name. People are friendly, but I’m still alone every Friday night. If this were just happening to me, I’d chalk it up to my age or stage in life. But my sons, who are 18 and 20, are struggling to find meaningful friendships too. Is this just how the world is now? Where have all the friendships gone?

—Friendly, but Still Friendless

Dear Friendly,

I don’t have the data, so I can’t say for sure that the whole world is now a place where people struggle to find friendships. But, based on the letters I’ve received over the past few years, this definitely feels true. Is it the lasting effects of pandemic isolation? Remote work keeping so many of us at home? Too many good shows to stream instead of going out and about? I’ve also heard the theory that social media can make it seem like everyone else is always out with their buddies (which isn’t true, but they’re not posting when they’re at home alone bored) and that heightens our expectations for friendships and makes us feel like we’re always falling short. Whatever it is, I think it’s fair to say a lot of people are not where they want to be in this area of life.

At this strange moment, I have the sense that if you want friendship, you have to be really explicit about asking for it. The relationships that used to just kind of happen now take a bit more intentional work. Not just going out and doing stuff (although that is great, and I think you should continue) but announcing, loud and clear, “I’m looking for friends.” I see this in various local social media groups, particularly those for moms, where posts explicitly asking for people to hang out with—or even “form a village with” pop up daily. In my college alumni group, classmates have been vulnerable enough to share that they’re planning to go to homecoming but will be alone and have been warmly embraced by the community, forming lasting bonds with people they didn’t even know when we were in school.

I’ve written before about how a young woman in my neighborhood opened up on NextDoor about her desire for friendship and received a slew of responses with offers to attend church, go for walks, and play tennis. Of course there’s BumbleBFF. And the group No More Lonely Friends hosts meetups around the country, based on the belief that “everyone deserves a chance to connect with others and form meaningful friendships”—and that people don’t necessarily have that chance in everyday life. All of this suggests to me that you may need to advertise and shop for friends (do a post, join a group, or even just tell loved ones what you need and ask them to connect you with potential matches) in a way that feels unfamiliar but is absolutely the new normal.

Dear Prudence,

My friend recently had elective foot surgery. Her 23-year-old daughter lives with her and has been taking care of meals, etc. I’ve checked in on whether my friend would like a special meal delivered. She has gluten allergies but I do know of one restaurant meal she enjoys. I told her I’d bring that when she was ready. I called and texted to check in regularly. I met her less than a year ago, and we’re not lifelong best friends or anything. After a while, her daughter called and said not to call anymore because I did not send flowers. I didn’t know that flowers were expected. We did go out once after her surgery and she seemed very snippy. She mentioned that her hairdresser had sent her flowers. I assumed she was in a bad mood because of pain. Apparently, this lady is now not speaking to me. Any advice?

—Flower Deficient

Dear Flower Deficient,

This is ridiculous. If we were talking about a longer friendship, I’d tell you to chalk up the behavior to pain and the stress of surgery. But less than a year? Cut your losses. Life is too short to be chastised for failing to bring flowers when you’ve already offered a special gluten free meal! She’s already stopped speaking to you, so you don’t even have to have any tough conversations. If she reaches out at some point (which she probably will because people who get mad about dumb stuff love to pop back up pretending as if nothing happened), tell her you wish her the best with her bunion-free life, but you decided based on the flower debacle that you two just aren’t compatible.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Slate

Lately, I’ve been having sex from Grindr, Scruff, et al. with five to 10 new partners each week.
Sometimes, it’s a repeat, but most of the time, it’s a stranger (I live in a major city, so there’s plenty of supply). If I’m in a different neighborhood for a meeting, or an appointment, or even a drink with a friend, I open the app and actively look for someone. I take work breaks to get laid. I worry this is becoming compulsive, but the truth is I enjoy the sex and don’t think I’m hurting myself; I’m on PrEP and get tested regularly. I’m dating someone, so this isn’t an issue of loneliness or a cry for affection. Still: Is my behavior out of control? How do I know?