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Dear Care and Feeding,
Back in February, my sister “Rachel” asked me if I would mind watching her two daughters, ages 3 and 4, overnight while she and her husband “Alex” went out for their anniversary. I work as a self-published writer, so I am able to make my own hours. This has allowed me to watch my nieces for a day or two before on previous occasions without it being problematic, so I agreed. Rachel dropped them off on a Friday afternoon and said they would pick up the kids around noon on Saturday. I noticed the girls had extra overnight bags in addition to their usual small ones. My sister explained that the kids had wanted to bring some extra toys, so I thought nothing of it.
Noon on Saturday came and went without Rachel and Alex showing. Worried, I called my sister at 1:30 p.m. When I got ahold of her, she apologized and said she had “told a little white lie”: She and Alex were actually in Las Vegas for their anniversary and would be back to pick up the kids next Saturday at noon. She said she had packed a week’s worth of clothes for them (that explained the extra bags). I was incensed and started to tear into her, only to receive a cheerful, “Bye!” before she ended the call. All of my attempts to reach her and my brother-in-law for the rest of the week went unanswered. Despite being able to set my own hours, having to care for my nieces for an entire week made it impossible to get any work done, and I ended up falling behind. When my wayward sister finally returned for the girls, I told her that tricking me was inexcusable and my days of watching her kids were over. Rachel told me how grateful she was and claimed this was a “one-and-done thing” that wouldn’t be repeated. She even dared to joke that I could look at it as my anniversary gift to her.
Last week, Rachel called to ask if I would be willing to take the kids for an afternoon so she and Alex could go wine tasting. When I reminded her that was no longer an option, she began crying and trying to guilt me, so I ended the call. Not long after, our mother phoned and tried to wheedle me into reconsidering. When I explained what Rachel had pulled and why I was no longer willing to watch the girls, my mother said I shouldn’t be so stubborn because I “don’t have kids or a ‘real’ job.” I told her to stay out of it, and that she and my dad were welcome to watch the kids themselves. That led to excuses on her part as to why I was better suited for it, so I told her I had to go and hung up. Now both Rachel and my mother are giving me the cold shoulder. My dad at least admits that Rachel was wrong, but believes I’m being too harsh and should be willing to watch the kids again after a “timeout.” Considering that I was left to care for two small children for an ENTIRE WEEK without warning, I think revoking my babysitting services is more than reasonable. What can I do to get my family to see that I’m not the one who is in the wrong here?
—Fool Me Once
Dear Fool Me Once,
Of course you aren’t in the wrong; even if your sister hadn’t lied to you, I don’t think you’re under any particular obligation to drop everything, including work, and be available for babysitting whenever she and her husband want to go on a date or on vacation. (Though I do hope the family feud doesn’t mean that you never see your nieces anymore.) And I suspect that both Rachel and your mother know, deep down, that you have every right to be upset over being tricked and imposed upon.
I understand why their blame feels so hurtful and unfair. Their dismissal of your time and your labor is equally frustrating. Your mother certainly isn’t alone in believing that writing doesn’t count as “real” work (I often think about this poem by Marge Piercy: “Work is what you have done / after the play is produced / and the audience claps. / Before that friends keep asking / when you are planning to go / out and get a job”). But you understand your work and its value. You’re supporting and sustaining yourself through writing, and you’re doing well enough at it to set your own schedule. Those are the facts. Your family’s assumptions about your job may be annoying, but they aren’t true.
I don’t get why your mom would want to insert herself in the middle of your argument with your sister, let alone take her side after she deceived you, but you’ve made your position clear to your family—there’s not much more to say about it. You can think about whether there’s anything your sister could do to make things right, and let her know if so. That said, it’s beyond your power to force her or your parents to see things your way, or behave reasonably or courteously for that matter. They’re responsible for their own actions. Try not to let them drag you into endless arguments about babysitting and who was right and who was wrong (you know who was wrong). It’s OK to maintain the boundaries you need with your family, and to respect your work and your time—even if they don’t.
—Nicole
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I (34F) recently had a friend accuse me of being too strict of a parent, and even a couple weeks later, I’m still bothered by it. I have two boys, 2 and 3, and I have to keep a tight rein on the chaos for the sake of my sanity. My oldest is more reasonable and doesn’t need my eye constantly on him, but my younger one is a tornado and requires constant check-ins and reminders. If I don’t, he’s (and I wish I was joking but I’m not) swinging from the kitchen light or trying to ride the dog—and that was just this morning.
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