Society can normalize values that are contradictory, such as half-truths or so-called white lies, depending on the situation. It’s not easy for children to parse these subtle conditions, above all because until they are about four, kids tend to blurt out what they think without any filter.
Even if they can’t tell their children everything, parents should never lie to them, because it puts their trust in adults at risk and could impact kids’ behavior when they grow up, given that parents are important role models.
“Being faithful to the truth is what makes us trustworthy people, but that doesn’t mean telling kids everything, because some things aren’t relevant to them, like for example, talking about economic issues that impact the family,” says psychologist Tristana Suárez.
When a child observes that adults are not being truthful, they wind up incorporating that behavior into their own life as an available resource. “Lies become normalized, they wind up lying in imitation and ultimately, kids see their parents as being less trustworthy,” says Alba María García, a clinical neuropsychologist at Madrid’s Center Psicológica.
Children learn to lie by mimicking the adults in their lives. “They wind up copying the lie, without realizing the impact it can have on those to whom it is said,” says Suárez.
“In other cases, parents may not be liars themselves, but their children learn to lie out of fear of the consequences of telling them the truth, like invoking the parent’s anger,” adds Suárez.
García says that lies can evolve as the child gets older. “At age three, the first rudimentary lies begin, with phrases like ‘it wasn’t me’ in order to avoid consequences,” she explains. “Between the ages of four and five, lying becomes more intentional and planned. And between the ages of six and eight, children begin to understand the moral aspect of lying, as well as when it is considered acceptable, depending on the context.”
Why do kids lie?
Suárez says that when a child doesn’t tell the truth, different factors can be at play. “They do it to get the things they want quickly, when they don’t see any alternative path (like secretly eating junk food) or to avoid blame for something they’ve done that they think is wrong, according to adult considerations (like taking something that isn’t theirs).” “The goal is not to raise brutally honest or blindly obedient children, but rather, people who are capable of telling the truth responsibly, with sensitivity and empathy,” adds García.
What should you do when your kid catches you in a lie? “The best thing is to recognize it sincerely and say something like, ‘You’re right, I wasn’t completely honest. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I will try to do better,’” counsels García. “That way you can teach them emotional responsibility and how to repair damage you might cause, in addition to reinforcing the value of honesty and showing them that making mistakes is also part of learning,” she says.
For parents, showing legible sincerity to children means, among other things, using language that is appropriate for their age. “It is also important to bear in mind that it is not necessary to give them all of the information, but rather, to avoid falsehood. For example, you can tell them that something is a complex issue that will be discussed when they are older,” says García.
“It’s about practicing emotional sincerity. So, if a topic is uncomfortable, it is better to say that you don’t know how to explain it to them than to make something up. It teaches integrity and that you value telling the truth, even in difficult situations,” she says.
To encourage kids to be honest, it’s important to positively enforce that behavior. “Phrases can be used like, ‘It makes me happy that you told the truth,’ and never punishing them, even if they have shared an uncomfortable truth. That way, you avoid them seeing lies as a defense mechanism. You can also talk about the importance of telling the truth and its long-term benefits,” says García.
Clarity is key for kids to integrate the concept of truth and falsehood. “It’s not about diplomacy, because that is a form of social hypocrisy. In our society, it is not considered correct to tell the truth point-blank, so children have to learn to deal with complicated nuance,” says Suárez. “However, when children are young, they say what they feel, without filters, which makes adults uncomfortable. But if we want them to be honest, as adults we must prioritize the truth and not make exceptions,” she says.
“There is a tacit agreement about what can and cannot be said, but as adults, we should not teach children to put conditions on sincerity, clarity and honesty based on fine print. If we get mad with a kid for telling the truth, they won’t do it again,” continues Suárez.
According to García, it’s also important to differentiate between sincerity and assertiveness. “It can be explained to a child that you always have to tell the truth, but in a respectful and empathetic way. The key is to share social skills and emotional management tools, without censuring honesty.”
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