Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My 8-year-old daughter “Libby” has a friend, “Maddie,” who is the same age. Maddie is a nice kid and they get along great. The trouble is that Maddie’s mother “Maureen” is serially late in picking her up from play dates at our place. We are talking hours, not 15 or 30 minutes. I frequently make enough food for everyone in my family plus Maddie on days when she’s over because I know, more likely than not, Maddie will be staying for dinner.

I’ve tried speaking to Maureen about this, but she always has an excuse (she has to stay longer at work; traffic is bad) and promises to do better in the future, which of course, never happens. It’s reached a point where I’m getting fed up enough that I am considering not allowing Maddie to come over anymore. My husband says this isn’t the right thing to do as it essentially punishes Maddie for something that isn’t her fault. What CAN be done about this, then?

—We Have an Unofficial Extra Kid

Dear Extra Kid,

I agree with your husband that not allowing Maddie to come over anymore would punish the kids for something outside of their control.

You’ve already spoken to Maureen, but have you tried setting the playdate times based on Maureen’s schedule? If she’s only ever able to pick Maddie up at 8 p.m., can you just plan on an 8 p.m. pick-up so that you find it less frustrating?

If you really must get Maddie out of your house, tell Maureen that you need to drop her off at home instead of her getting picked up and then drop her off on time (obviously after confirming that Maureen is home). Maybe the responsibility will motivate her.

That said, much as you may try to change Maureen’s behavior, you might just have to accept the situation for what it is. And honestly, it really doesn’t sound that bad. You haven’t pointed out any negative effects from Maddie’s extended stays other than making more food. Is Libby getting annoyed? I get that it’s frustrating for someone to be late, but if it’s not actually hurting anyone, maybe accept Maureen for who she is and plan on Maddie’s stays being indefinite if she comes over for a playdate.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son has a family name as his first name. It’s long and formal for a kid, so we’ve always called him by his nickname. We chose a slightly less common spelling for it. Let’s say it’s “Meghan” instead of “Megan.” Most people spell it wrong. I used to correct them. I stopped because people were weird about it—overly apologetic. And then they kept spelling it wrong anyway. It doesn’t bother me much anymore.

But my son’s teacher keeps spelling it wrong, and this does upset me. She’s done it all year. She writes “Megan” on his art and in his progress notes, and in the message app she uses with us. I always spell it correctly (“Meghan”) there, by the way, and she always replies and spells it “Megan.”

All year, my wife has said we shouldn’t say anything and that replying with the right spelling is enough. She says teachers are busy and underpaid and that it is not worth possibly offending the teacher for this. I have chosen not to fight this battle with her (my wife), but I’ve been annoyed about it all year. We just found out he’ll probably have the same teacher next year. He’ll start reading soon. I want him to see his name spelled correctly.

My wife said she’d listen to your advice. Can I tell the teacher to spell my son’s name right? What’s the best way to do it without being rude?

— Meghan’s Dad

Dear Meghan’s Dad,

Yes. Ask (don’t tell) the teacher to please spell your son’s name correctly. You should have done this right after the first time it bugged you in a nice cordial email or at parent/teacher night. If you don’t want to come off as rude, apologize for not bringing it up sooner. Then affirm that it can be confusing that Meghan goes by a nickname (which I’m assuming isn’t on the class roster) and that other people have trouble with its spelling. Explain that it irks you and ask if she can please spell it correctly going forward for Meghan’s sake.

If she continues misspelling it, let it go. If you went all year without saying anything, this is a little bit on you for not correcting it earlier. While this might annoy you, if it doesn’t annoy Meghan, it’s not a hill to die on. Personally, as someone whose last name is misspelled or mispronounced 90 percent of the time, I’ve gotten over it. Our son’s last name was misspelled on a baseball trophy. I asked if he cared and he said “no.” It’s fine.

I am a little curious about your relationship with the teacher and the school that you’d only bring this up after a year and be fearful of “offending” her over the misspelling of your own kid’s nickname. Ideally, you’d have developed a relationship with your kid’s teacher by now and could bring this up casually. Remember, even though it’s weird to run into them outside of school, teachers are regular people just like you and me. This coming year, work on your relationship with Meghan’s teacher so you’ll feel comfortable talking to them about this or anything else that’s bothering you.

—Greg

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