Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I are in a dispute over something which I think she shouldn’t have any say over. I love to eat sardines. Back when we were dating, I gave them up because I’d had more than one relationship end, because the woman I was with was disgusted by the smell. A couple of months into our marriage, I decided it was time to go back to eating them, figuring a marriage would be harder to walk away from, and my wife would just accept this was something she would have to tolerate.
Turns out I was wrong. It’s been four months now, and she’s telling me she’s about reached her limit. She had the nerve to tell me to either eat them in an enclosed room with an air purifier going or to eat them outside and put the can straight into the trash! I don’t tell her what foods to eat or how or where to eat them, so I expect to be shown the same courtesy. I don’t think I should have to go to extensive lengths to enjoy a food I love in my own home. How can I get her to see reason?
—Sardine King
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I recently let some Instagram person convince me to give my 9-month-old sardines because of all the healthy fats or whatever. They didn’t actually smell THAT horrible. She eats pouches of salmon that are way worse. I wonder if he needs a different brand?
Lizzie O’Leary: Oh, we have hit upon my area of expertise!
Jenée, did you know that I am a super smeller? Because I am! It is both a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse for my husband, who has to put up with my smell diktats. Which have included weighing in on all manner of smell-emitting products. I have very strong feelings about deodorant scents, for example. Old Spice makes me want to barf. Smells are a Big Deal.
Dude, if your wife hates the smell of sardines, she hates the smell of sardines. Do you love sardines more than your wife? Because otherwise you are just pissing her off for no reason, imo.
Jenée: Also what a bait and switch!! He gave them up when they were dating, which is the period of time when you decide if you can deal with the person and all their shit. She was tricked!
Lizzie: I will have you know that when John and I went on our very first date, I leaned over and smelled him, because I needed to know that his smell was good! (It was.) But seriously, I can’t tell if this letter is about sardines, or if it is really about control. Because, tbh, there are all sorts of things we give up or adjust for our partner’s comfort and well-being. And I wonder if that is what this is about. Am I reading too much into this?
Jenée: Actually, I’m laughing as I re-read your last response about being a super smeller because I think I am too, but I have less self-awareness about it. Just 10 minutes ago I discovered that some Febreze scented trash bags had made their way into my home and Joel was like “So we can’t use them at all?” And I was like “Of course not!” And literally set them outside. Like, if someone wants to use them to bag up leaves or something, be my guest. But weird chemical cleaning smells are my sardines/Old Spice apparently.
To your other point: See how that worked, letter-writer? I told my husband I couldn’t tolerate the smell and he said “okay.” Because ideally you don’t want your spouse to be puking. So no, Lizzie, you’re not reading too much into it. I’m going to make a big sign that says “Marriage Isn’t About Fairness, It’s About Both People Wanting the Other Person to Be Happy.” (We will edit it to make it slightly punchier.)
Lizzie: You have never typed truer words. I might print those out and save them for when we are having some stupid fight about how clean the counters need to be (very, IMO).
But yeah, I think this is a fixable problem in the moment: Go eat your stinky fish outside. And in the longer term, LW, take Jenée’s sign to heart. Do you want to be “right” or do you want to be married?
Jenée: Wait … that is exactly the catchy phrase I was aiming for and it already exists and is well known. Oops.
Lizzie: I want to throw in one P.S. from my husband, who has had to deal with my sense of smell for eight years. “You should do as your wife says: eat it either 150 miles off-site OR lock yourself in a sealed container. Avoid direct contact with her for at least 14 days after consuming the offending fish and be sure to have your mouth steam-cleaned and pressure washed by a professional cleaning service.” lol okay honey.
Jenée: Thank you to Guest Prudie John! And see, LW? John is allowed to work from the same room as his wife. That could be you if you give up this stupid stinky fight.
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