“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Kids are asked to answer this, even as early as preschool — but some people think it’s a harmful question. What can you ask instead?
“Children thrive when they feel seen for who they are — not just for what they might one day accomplish,” Ariel Kornblum, a licensed psychologist at Manhattan Psychology Group, tells TODAY.com in an email interview.
Subway Takes, a social media series hosted by comedian Kareem Rahma, captioned an April episode: “We need to stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up!!”
“I think we need to stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up,” entrepreneur Sinead Bovell told Rahma in the episode.
“It’s way too early to ask kids — I think you shouldn’t ask anyone until they’re like, 40,” Rahma replied.
Bovell continued, “Kids don’t think in terms of work. We bring that to them.” Rahma added, “We’re trying to pressure kids to start thinking about the job market early.”
They suggested new questions to ask children:
- “What do you want to do for leisure when you grow up?”
- “What’s in your imagination and could you bring that to life?”
- “What are you curious about?”
- “How do you want to make the world a better place?”
- “Who do you want to be?”
Adults supported it, writing in comments:
- “Instead, ask them, ‘What do you enjoy doing most?’”
- “It’s just a way to try to get to know the kid and their interests and a way for grownups to talk about their own … we need to think of other questions for this, like, ‘What do you like to play?’”
- “As a K-12 principal, I always ask, ‘What do you NOT want to be when you grow up?’ And if you really want to go deep, ‘WHO do you not want to be when you grow up?’ You’d be surprised at what they’ll tell you.”
- “I am retired and scared about what I am going to do when I grow up!”
Kornblum tells TODAY.com that asking kids, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a question that “reflects adult values around work and identity.”
“The question … may seem harmless, but it often places undue pressure on children to define themselves by a singular career path — something even adults struggle to do,” she says.
Kornblum says the question, “Subtly reinforces the idea that worth is tied to productivity or professional identity, which can be especially limiting for children whose strengths or interests may not fit neatly into conventional categories.”
The options offered by “Subway Takes” are good, according to Kornblum, because they “nurture curiosity, emotional awareness, and intrinsic motivation.”
“These questions honor the evolving nature of identity and promote values-based self-reflection rather than outcome-based achievement,” says Kornblum. “It shifts the focus from doing to being — which is far more aligned with healthy psychological development.”
Kornblum says kids should be asked, “Open-ended, imaginative, and values-driven conversations.” For example, playing a game such as “Would You Rather?” together, builds a conversation in which kids can informally dream about the future.
This way, says Kornblum, “We’re giving kids the space to grow into themselves — not just into a job title.”
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