Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband and I have been planning a first big family trip for us and our two preschoolers later this summer. We have been focusing our search exclusively on family-friendly destinations. We settled on a well-known destination that is made for kids, and we’re excited about planning.

However, I am now realizing that my husband mentioning the “kids’ clubs” that are available meant we would be pawning our kids off for hours and hours each day. I am perfectly comfortable scheduling an hour each day so we can get private pool time without the kids, but my husband is getting defensive about the fact that this is also our vacation, and half days at the clubs should be mandatory.

I’m sorry, but in this case, doesn’t the more conservative parent win out? My kids aren’t very old, and both are mildly neurodivergent; I don’t want them sitting with a babysitter for four hours a day! Not to mention, I wouldn’t relax while they were there!

When I told my husband these facts again, he snapped at me saying, “I was the one who wanted to go somewhere.” I’m pissed. And sad. And feeling guilty. I do feel uncomfortable leaving our kids that long. It’s a family vacation, for god’s sake; I want them with us! Should I be more relaxed about leaving them even though it feels wrong?

—Vacillating about Vacation

Dear Vacillating, 

You and your husband have fallen into the trip-or-vacation trap, immortalized in “Vacation or Trip? A Helpful Guide for Parents,” by M. Blazoned, my favorite essay to appear on HuffPost. In fact, as soon as I retrieved that link for you, I had to immediately pause writing this response so I could read the essay for the 51st time. It’s a humorous piece, but I think it also speaks many truths about just how hard it is to be on a family adventure and still feel like you, as an adult, had time to relax. Those two things are very hard to accomplish in one package (which is probably why kids’ clubs were invented)!

You and your husband need to give each other grace, because this all stems from simply having different expectations of this trip, which is nobody’s fault. But as partners, you have to find a way to meet in the middle; this isn’t a situation where somebody “wins out.” Plus, you have no idea how the kids’ club is going to go. Your kids might hate it, or they might never want to leave it (as was the case on my own family vacation earlier this year). So, a flexible plan is key.

Sit down together and talk about the things you want out of this vacation—and I’m not talking about timetables and itineraries. Do you want to make family memories, relax and zone out, reconnect as spouses, etc.? Think of this as a bit of a reset and recommitment to the trip. Next, make a plan for how you can balance each other’s expectations and comfort levels surrounding the kids’ club. For example, maybe you agree to a two-hour kids’ club experience on day one, which serves as the trial run for whether the subsequent days are longer or shorter. Or perhaps you plan the itinerary so that your husband gets some guaranteed relaxing time, but not each day. Whatever works for both of you, knowing you each will have to compromise a bit.

Finally, make a plan for how you’re going to handle things should the kids’ club not work out. For example, if you miss the kids and want to check them out early, will you three do your own thing, or is the expectation that your husband changes his plans, too? If your kids love the club, will you let them stay there longer? If they hate the club, will you adjust your alone-time plans? And what does “hate” or “love” look like? Set those parameters NOW so that you aren’t in an angry debate in the middle of your vacation.

I’m sorry you and your husband are in this tense predicament, but I’m confident you can figure it out together. Chalk this up to a learning moment; next time, you’ll know that your first step in vacation planning will be to do some joint expectation-setting before any reservations get made.

—Allison

Classic Prudie

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. Recently, he disclosed to me that he was sexually harassed by his boss at a retail store two years prior. I was supportive and tried to be a good partner and confidant. Last week, I broke my phone, and he told me I could use his old phone while mine was being fixed. When I turned on the phone, I saw that there were explicit sexual messages between him and his former boss that appear to be consensual. They spoke about meeting for sex, described things they wanted to do to each other, and even sent each other naked photos of themselves. Normally, I wouldn’t care since it was before we started dating and it’s his business, but this is the person who he said sexually harassed him.