Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I recently received a terminal cancer diagnosis. Instead of enduring chemo to extend my life for only a few months, I have decided to forgo treatment and let the inevitable happen.

My (adult) children refuse to accept this decision. My daughter will not bring her children to visit me, saying it will “traumatize” them to see me like this, and the time she spends with me is devoted to telling me how selfish I’m being. My son visited me once, burst into tears and excused himself, and hasn’t been back. He has texted me asking how I could do this to my family.

I understand that this is difficult for them, but treatment would not save my life, as they seem to have the fantasy it would. I am already in so much pain—I just want to spend what time I have left with my children and grandchildren. How do I talk to my daughter and son about this with compassion for what they’re going through, and at the same time make them understand that this is my decision, one I’m making for my own sake (which surely I’m entitled to do?).

—Selfish in Last Days

Dear Days,

I am so sorry. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and prognosis, I’m sorry your children and grandchildren are going to lose you, and I’m sorry your kids haven’t been able (so far! don’t give up!) to find a way to accept your decision. I don’t believe you’re being “selfish” by declining to lengthen your life by a matter of months (which, yes, with chemo would be very hard months). Assuming that you have discussed this decision with doctors you trust, and that your outlook is based on an accurate assessment of your situation, I think the thing to do is to try again to (fully, carefully, patiently) explain it to your shell-shocked children. The way to do this “compassionately” is to acknowledge how sad and frightened they are. Don’t argue with your daughter about her refusal to bring her children for visits (but you might point out mildly that if you were undergoing chemotherapy, their visits might be even more upsetting to them) and don’t argue with her when she accuses you of selfishness: Just tell her you’re doing the best you can in an awful situation. If they won’t listen to your reasoning, write them letters. While I would absolutely not suggest that you prolong your life, and pain, for their sake (your life, your decision), I do think you should continue to reach out to them for their sake at least as much as your own. Tell them you love them, tell them you know how hard this is for them, tell them (again?) the lay of the land. Tell them as many times as necessary. I believe they’ll come round.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband’s much younger brother committed suicide when he was 15, and didn’t leave a note. His grieving family never really healed (and how could they?). Something has come up now that is hard to navigate. Our older son has turned 14, and my husband is convinced that we should put him (and eventually his younger brother too) in preemptive therapy: He is sure their genetics put them at overwhelming risk for self-harm.

I understand there might be a time when one or both of our sons will benefit from a therapist. But right now, they both seem to be doing well. They exhibit run-of-the-mill teen moodiness, but they have good friends and good grades and are passionate about a sport or hobby. I raised the issue to their doctor, who told me he didn’t see any yellow flags. I’ve gently asked each of them individually if they’d like to talk to someone; both said no. I’ve made it clear that this option is always there for them. Neither one has any interest in therapy—they say they’re fine. But my husband isn’t persuaded. He wants the elder son to see someone “just in case.” I agreed to set aside money oldest son “just in case.” But he’s still pushing. I think this is coming from fear and grief, instead of the actual needs of our actual kids. But maybe all kids need to go to therapy these days? What do I do?

—Are the Kids All Right?

Dear All Right,

I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t benefit from a session with a good therapist (emphasis on good), but forcing someone who feels fine and has politely declined the offer of therapy isn’t likely to yield a useful result. One thing I wonder about is why you are the intermediary here. If your husband is worried that your 14-year-old is putting up a good front, hiding his unhappiness from his family—as perhaps your child’s uncle did at that age—or your husband is consumed with guilt for not knowing how troubled his brother was, and believes he could have changed the terrible outcome if he or their parents had behaved proactively, his leaving it to you to talk to the kids about seeing a therapist (presumably without providing context for the boys) seems to me an unhealthy dynamic both between your husband and his sons and your husband and you. I’m also concerned that you seem to be setting this up as you and the kids on one side of a divide (they’re/we’re just fine, leave us alone), while your husband’s anxiety spirals and he feels unheard, dismissed, and condescended to. None of this is great for him, your marriage, or your family.

I imagine it’s difficult for your husband to talk about his brother, his grief, his fears for his own children, and the lingering complexities of being the brother who survived, but if I were you, I would gently suggest that he see a therapist. If he, like his teenage sons, insists he’s just fine—or if perhaps he is already in therapy himself—I would propose couples therapy for the two of you. Or family therapy, particularly if he has never talked to the children about his brother. There is a lot, as they say, to unpack here. The sooner it’s unpacked, the better the chances for everyone’s well-being.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Since she was 2, my 4-year-old daughter has seemed to really dislike my mom. She either ignores her offers of help (with her bath, say, or getting dressed) or refuses them, asking for one of us instead. But my mom is the one who’s spent the most time with her! She lived with us for eight months so that we didn’t have to rely on daycare until she was a year old. Now my mom is back with us doing the same thing for our second child, and my older daughter wants nothing to do with her. Today, I told her that Grandma was going to take her out for ice cream, and she said no, she didn’t want to go. I told her she had to stop treating her grandma like that—she’s hurting my feelings. Do you have any suggestions?

—It Hurts My Heart

Dear Heart,

Please don’t tell your 4-year-old that she’s hurting your feelings. You’re the adult; don’t put that on her. She is expressing her own complicated feelings—perhaps about her new sibling, whom she may feel displaced by and jealous of. In any case, I doubt that what’s going on has much of anything to do with “disliking” her grandmother. She’s acting out. Give her some extra attention—show her (don’t just tell her) how much you love her, and please refrain from making her responsible for how you feel. But since you’re an adult, make sure you let your mother know that this must be hard on her and be sympathetic, even as you ask her to give your older daughter a little space right now.

And for good measure, have a conversation with your 4-year-old in which you do not tell her to stop mistreating her well-meaning grandmother but instead encourage her to talk about how and what she’s feeling. Ask questions (but don’t grill her: not, “Why don’t you like Grandma?” but “Are you sad about something?” and not, “Why won’t you go out for ice cream with Grandma” but “Is there something bothering you? You know you can tell me anything”). Protect the 4-year-old’s heart first, OK?

—Michelle

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