Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Years ago, a family member was falsely accused of sexual assault. He lost his job, home, and many of his friends. He was unemployed for a long time, his mental health suffered, and his life and reputation will never be the same.

After several years, his accuser was caught on tape threatening another man, and saying that she’d made up the allegations against my family member. I am so angry with her, and with anyone who falsely accuses people like this, because of the doubt that is then cast on the overwhelming majority of people who are telling the truth about their assaults.

My question is how to one day talk to my children about this. They’re 10 and 6, and will find out about all this in the future, whether it’s from us or from the internet. How do I discuss this with them while also emphasizing that they should believe people who come forward about being assaulted? I can’t say, “Believe people, but, you know, just not that one lady who ruined your family member’s life.” Please help.

—Angry and Uncertain

Dear Angry and Uncertain,

When the time comes that you can no longer keep this story from your children, you’ll need to simply tell them the truth: While the vast majority of sexual assault allegations are true, in rare instances, there are false ones, and there have been times in which innocent people have been harmed as a result.

Emphasize the fact that this happens relatively rarely and that for that reason, we have to continue to take people seriously when they say they’ve been harmed. From there, all we can do is listen to their story, hear the other side (if it’s available), and try to make a judgment rooted in the fact that, again, most allegations are legit.

This is a difficult and complex reality for even adults to comprehend, so be patient with your kids and be prepared for a lot of questions. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, false reports make up only 2-8 percent of all sexual assault accusations; you want to be diligent about encouraging your children not to see one tragic story as the norm, no matter how close to home it hits.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My family is lucky to live in an extremely racially diverse city. We’re a white family and are probably in the racial minority at our local elementary school. Most of my kids’ friends are not white. My daughter, “Emma,” who is almost 10, has complained a lot throughout the school year about a few rowdy kids in her class, and the same five names usually come up. Her friends often lament having to play with or do group projects with these same five kids as well.

The problem is, the five kids my daughter dislikes are also the only Black kids in the class. When I probed further into why she didn’t like them, she said she had issues with two of them because they were constantly acting up in class and distracting everyone and upsetting the teacher, and the other three were “very loud” and also disruptive. I’ve volunteered in her class and at school a lot, so I’m pretty familiar with the kids and yes, the two she’s talking about do have some behavior issues but they’re mild—typical obnoxious kid stuff (talking over, interrupting, being slightly physically aggressive, swearing). Other kids in her class act up occasionally, but seemingly not as consistently. The other three kids are louder than the others (or perhaps implicit bias makes it seem that way?) but it’s not particularly annoying in the grand scheme of things (my daughter can sometimes be a little sensitive to loud noise/speech, so I do get that a little bit).

I’m not sure if my daughter has noticed that the only kids she doesn’t like are also the only Black kids, but I really, really don’t want this to set some sort of precedent. I don’t think she’s a budding racist; we have plenty of conversations surrounding race, and as far as I know, she’s never had an issue with someone because of their race, but obviously there’s a link here. I always considered myself pretty progressive but I can honestly say I’m at a loss here. How on Earth do I handle this?

—Shame and Prejudice

Dear Shame and Prejudice,

It is possible that these kids are louder and more obnoxious than other kids, and it is possible that your daughter (and perhaps you) are unconsciously biased. Maybe both things are true. There’s no way of knowing for sure, but you can encourage your daughter to interrogate her feelings towards this group of kids. It could help lessen her frustration, and more importantly, ensure that she’s treating them with the respect they deserve.

Ask her to consider if they are that much more troublesome than her other classmates, or if their actions stand out because they’re the only Black kids in the class. Tell her to think about the possibility that she may be sensitive to their behavior because she can’t help but to think of them as different. Explain to her that there are cultural differences between various groups of people, such as communication styles; her classmates may be louder or more animated than what she’s used to because they simply express themselves differently. Urge her to be empathetic, and ask her to consider how challenging it must be for these kids to be the only Black students in the class. Being loud may be their way of taking up space in an environment where they feel uncomfortable and/or ostracized.

Make sure that your conversations about race include discussions of racism. It isn’t enough for her to know that people differ aesthetically or in terms of place of origin; she needs to understand that race informs how people are treated in our society and how their lives may turn out. You have to tell her that racism is a system that systemically disenfranchises Black people, and that it can impact the experience her classmates are having at school. She should also know that she will experience preferential treatment throughout her lifetime because of her race, and she should notice that, too.

She may not find her best friend in that group of five, and that’s OK. And she may still get annoyed when one of them is loud. But you can help her interrogate her feelings and bias and approach her classmates with respect and empathy.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My parents split up when I was 15 after my mom discovered my dad was having an affair with his assistant at work. A year later, my dad met and married my stepmom, and two years later, they had my half-sister, “Linnea.”

Linnea is now 13, and I regularly take her out to do fun stuff, and sometimes for road trips and sleepovers. Recently, she confided to me that she learned our dad is seeing another woman. He had left his phone on the kitchen counter while he was in the bathroom, and Linnea saw a text message appear on the screen from a woman asking when she could expect to see him again.

When Linnea confronted our dad about it, he told her that if she says anything to her mom, that her mom will divorce him, their house will be sold, and Linnea will have to move away from her school district, leave all her friends behind, and get rid of her beloved horse because she won’t be able to afford to keep him.

Linnea is extremely upset about the entire situation. On the one hand, she feels incredibly guilty for keeping this secret from her mom. On the other hand, she’s afraid of losing everything she holds dear.

I think what our dad is doing is a terrible burden to put on a child, and I am outraged and disgusted. Do I confront him, or is it even my place to get involved? The thought of telling Linnea, “Sorry, can’t help you—not my circus, not my monkeys” seems so callous. What, if anything, can I do here for her?

—Reliving History

Dear Reliving History,

You should absolutely say something to your father, because he needs to know just how wrong he was for putting your sister in such a devastating position as a child. Linnea should not feel responsible for protecting her mother or her way of life, and this entire situation is borne of him being selfish and failing his marital vows—again. Give him a good piece of your mind, he deserves it.

You should also tell him that he needs to tell his wife what happened. If he won’t, or if you don’t trust him to, then you should consider telling your sister’s mom yourself. She deserves to know about the affair, but she needs to know about the threat made against her daughter. It really shouldn’t fall on her child’s shoulders to have to tell her.

I understand feeling as though it’s not your responsibility, but I’m sure you would want someone to tell you if they knew you were being cheated on or that your partner was being incredibly cruel to your child. I do get that this would complicate your relationship with your dad, but ultimately, this is a situation of his doing (again).

No matter what, you should be there for your sister as she navigates this. Her father has put her in an impossible situation, and this is going to be painful for her no matter what happens. Her relationship with her father has been forever changed. More than anything, she needs someone she can talk to openly who understands her and supports her. Make sure she knows that no matter what happens, you’ll be in her corner.

—Jamilah

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