A Brutally Honest Kid’s Review of ‘How to Train Your Dragon’

When I was a kid, I loved going to the movies. As a dad, going to kids movies is way less fun than coming home from kids movies.

Oh sure, I enjoy taking my two daughters to the theater. As you might imagine, they are genetically predisposed to enjoy the experience. But the real highlight for me these days is the conversation on the subway ride home, where I get to pick their brains about whatever we saw and find out what they liked and what went over their heads. I record the chats and then publish the results; they’re inevitably far more interesting than any actual review I could have written. (They also tend to include far more insults aimed at my sense of humor, age, and general appearance, but that’s an occupational hazard, I suppose.)

This week I took my nine year old to the live-action remake of How to Train Your Dragon. While I’ve offered to show my kids the animated Dragon on numerous occasions, they’ve never been all that interested. However, the opportunity to see it (or literally anything) on a giant screen while eating popcorn and chugging an Icee was too good of an offer for my oldest to pass up. So off we went.

What follows is a very lightly edited transcript of our 20-minute conversation, from the second we got on the train until a few moments before we arrived back at our stop in Brooklyn. Topics included how the movie’s impressive special effects might have been achieved, why Viking are so bad at naming things, whether our family’s dog is as good of a pet as Toothless, and what age it is appropriate to give someone a “smoochy kiss” (a family term for romantic kisses). As usual, chatting with this hilarious and curious kid was far more entertaining than the film itself.

So, did you like the movie?

Yeah. [takes out notebook]

What are you going to do with that?

I’m going to draw some dragons.

Oh, that’s fun. Did you have a favorite dragon?

Uh, I really liked … what’s the main one called?

Toothless.

Toothless. I would have named him something else. Toothless is kind of a strange name.

Did you get why he calls him Toothless? They explain it.

Huh?

It’s because he can retract his teeth into his gums.

He can what?

The first time you see in his mouth it looks like he has no teeth. And then when he’s about to eat something all these teeth pop out.

Wait what?!?

You must have missed that part. I think you were really focused on your Icee at that point.

Ohhhhhh. That Icee was goooood.

Who was your favorite human character?

I liked the guy that rode on the small chubby dragon. He had black hair. [Julian Dennison as Fishlegs]

Why him?

He was funny. He kept saying facts about dragons and then other people would go “Stop that!”

Do you feel like that character sometimes? Do I act too annoyed when you recite Hamilton lyrics or something?

No, I just thought he was funny. I like funny characters.

How about the flying scenes?

[sigh] I wish I could fly. Those were the coolest. I was like “How do they do this?”

How do you think they do it?

Um, they probably have the actors ride on a statue or something? I know if you have a green background in a movie you can change it to whatever you want. So maybe if they sat on something with the shape of a dragon, like an animatronic, and pretended to ride on that in front of a green background? Of course, they would have to put it a little above the ground. The characters might have a bunch of straps on them that you could couldn’t see.

That’s a really good guess. How do they make it look like they’re flying?

They might do it like they did with Elphaba [from the Wicked movie]. I’ve seen some videos. She basically had a bunch of cables on and then she flew around! And it’s pretty cool. So maybe they did that.

Again, really good guess. I bet that’s how they did it. Do they add in the backgrounds with a computer?

Yeah, they probably had the backgrounds, or they found a video of the background, or they paid someone to make it.

READ MORE: Every Epic Universe Ride, Ranked (Including How to Train Your Dragon)

Did Toothless remind you of anyone?

[Our family dog] Franny.

Which part?

[scratches her own chin and makes a contented face]

Franny likes being scratched under her chin like Toothless?

I do that and she’s like… [pants happily like a dog] Although the part where they use a little light moving around to trap a dragon was more like a cat than a dog.

You’re right; sometimes the dragons act like dogs, and sometimes they act like cats.

They’re like big, scaly pets.

Would you want to have a dragon?

YES! I would die for a dragon.

You would die for a dragon?

Okay, maybe not die.

You’re not happy with Franny?

Franny just lays around on the couch all day.

She does. Toothless lays around a lot in this movie too.

He flies!

Okay. Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll get a harness.

Yeah!

We’ll put it on Franny. Then you’ll ride her around.

[laughs] Franny wouldn’t move. She’d just lay there. She’d be like “Oh no. Please stop this.”

I think she’d be into it. 

[Shoots a Dad-you-are-full-of-s— look.]

[laughs] You don’t think so?

She doesn’t even like when I pick her up!

But we love her.

We love her, even though she does lay around on the couch all day. Don’t tell her I said this but she’s a lazy potato.

I won’t tell her you said that. So Franny’s not quite as heroic as Toothless?

No, definitely not. She plays with toys sometimes, when she’s in the mood. And then she’s like “I’m done. Back to my lazy couch.”

Did the dad in the movie remind you of me at all?

No.

Why not?

Because you support me in what I want to do.

Oh, that’s nice. I’m glad to hear you say that. I try my best.

The dad in the movie was like “You must kill a dragon!”

I would not make you kill a dragon.

Also, you couldn’t kill a dragon.

That’s true. I could not kill a dragon. I’m very weak. What do you think would happen if I had to become a Viking? Would I survive?

[sadly shakes head no]

Sounds about right. Do I look at all like the dad in the movie?

Nothing like him.

Should I try to look more like that? I could try to grow out my beard.

No. I would never be able to hug you.

Alright, it’s not worth it then.

The dad had, like, braided his beard hair. Yeah no. Don’t do that.

What did you think of Astrid, the main girl in the movie?

She was funny. I liked when she was like “That’s for scaring me!” and hit the guy.

Yeah, but then they kissed. You reacted pretty loudly to that.

Smoochy kisses! Blech!

Why did you groan when there was a smoochy kiss?

It’s gross!

Why gross?

They weren’t that old! They were like teenagers.

I see. They were too young to be smoochy kissing?

Yeah, you don’t smoochy kiss when you’re that age.

What’s the right age where someone should be allowed to smoochy kiss?

[pause] 20.

20. Okay, that’s a good call.

Wait, when did you start smoochy kissing?

20? No … maybe 30?

When did you get married?

Uh … when I was 27.

Okay, that does sound right. Wait! You knew Mommy for like seven years before you got married?

Yeah. Does that sound like a long time? 

[nodding]

Too long?

[indifferent shrug] Anyway, the girl went from “I hate you!” all the way to “I love you!” so fast.

I guess it was a bit much.

It was a bit much! I don’t think the movie needed that.

I’m gonna write this down: “No smoochy kisses before you’re 20.” I want to remember this.

They seemed like they were in their late teens or very, very early adults.

Yes, I agree.

They didn’t seem that old.

Besides the smoochy kisses, is there anything you would have changed? Anything you didn’t like?

I liked almost everything. I wished there had been more of a scene at the very end [after the credits]. You know that big book about dragons?

Sure.

You know how the page about … what’s his name again?

Toothless? The Night Fury?

Night Fury! The Night Fury page in the book was blank. I think he should have filled in everything at the end. There was nothing, no picture, it all said “unknown.”

That would make a good scene at the end of the credits. If they made a How to Train Your Dragon sequel, would you want to see it?

I would love if they made a sequel.

Because there are already two sequels to the animated movie.

Are the sequels in order? Or is it like this sequel could happen or this sequel could happen?

They’re in order. There’s How to Train Your Dragon 2 and then a third one, although I don’t think they called it How to Train Your Dragon 3. It has a different title.

Okay. I don‘t know if a sequel can be as good. Sometimes when you’ve made one, it’s hard to put the same characters in a new adventure that’s going to be as good as the first one. [thinking] I kind of wish the movie had, like, an evil bad guy controlling the dragons.

You think the movie needed more of a villain?

Yeah. Instead of just the big dragon. I like the big dragon idea, but there should have been a villain controlling the big dragon.

That’s an interesting idea too. Oh, here is another question I had, speaking of the big dragon: Was the movie too scary for a kids movie? I thought it got pretty intense there at the end.

I’d say it was just right. I was expecting a jump scare when they were looking for the big dragon. And — wait, this is a spoiler.

What is a spoiler?

You know what a spoiler is.

Okay, but how do you know what a spoiler is?

A spoiler is when you spoil something for the audience.

Right, but how do you know what a spoiler is?

Because I’m smarter than you.

Okay, fair enough. But what was the spoiler?

Okay, I liked the part where everyone looks sad because they think [SPOILER REDACTED] died. And then you see [SPOILER REDACTED].

You liked that part?

Yeah, because I knew it was going to happen. I was like “[SPOILER REDACTED] definitely saved [SPOILER REDACTED].”

Do you think Franny would save you?

[laughs] No.

What would she do in that situation?

[pretends to faint]

Dad, what did you like about the movie?

I really like the music in all the How to Train Your Dragon movies. They’re some of the best scores in any recent films, I think.

The music was great. [begins drawing in notebook]

Are you going to draw your own dragon the way Hiccup does in the movie?

What???

Hiccup? The main character in the movie?

His name was Hiccup?

Yes.

Was his last name Hiccup?

I’m pretty sure it was his first name. Because his dad is named Stoick. I don’t think his name is Stoick Hiccup. I’m don’t know if Vikings have last names, to be honest.

Hiccup?

Hiccup.

Like…

Like… [fake hiccups] That’s his name.

Oh my God.

We actually almost named you Hiccup.

Stop. One of the other characters was named Snothead or something.

Yes it was. 

Snothead?

Well, it was Snot something. I wasn’t sure, to be honest. [Note: Gabriel Howell plays a character named “Snotlout”] We almost named you Snothead.

You did not.

It would have been appropriate. You have a lot of snot in your head sometimes.

No I don’t.

Sometimes you do. That’s why you take your allergy pill.

[laughs] Toothless is not a good name for a dragon. Vikings were not creative with names.

I think that’s fair.

Hiccup? Snothead? Who came up with these names?

You think you’re pretty funny, huh?

I crack myself up.

Dad, did you like the characters? What was your favorite?

I really liked Hiccup’s dad.

He’s mean!

Well, he’s mean in the beginning but —

And in the middle and almost until the very end!

But he also does what he does because he wants to protect his son. And then, eventually, he realizes he’s wrong. I like when dads in movies aren’t perfect, but you understand that they do what they do because they love their kids. And it does work out in the end. I thought that was cool.

Okay … I still think there should have been a big villain. There definitely should be one in the sequel.