Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A family friend recently went through a divorce. He and his ex-wife share a 4-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son. When one parent has the kids, the other one often takes vacations to remote, sometimes dangerous, locations.

They’re both experienced travelers, but an issue has recently arisen about what their respective duties should be now that they are divorced with kids. How often should the traveling parent be expected to check in with the other to let them know they’re fine and to get kid updates? Their kids are young (too young for their own phones), and while the separation took some time, the divorce and new households are very new.

—Off to the Lost City of Z

Dear Z,

This is framed as a question about divorce, but it’s really a question about parenting, and I can’t imagine the answer would be any different if the couple were divorced or if they were vampires happily entering their 800th year of matrimony.

When you have little kids, you should most assuredly check with them or the person taking care of them pretty regularly. Period. If your life is such that you have to (or get to) be away from text, internet, email, semaphore, carrier pigeons, and/or messenger falcons, well, bully for you. But you should then definitely make clear and conscientious plans with the person taking care of them about how you’ll be out of touch for a set amount of time and here’s how they can reach you in case of time-sensitive emergency.

It is natural, in a divorce, to feel a newfound sense of freedom, and to maybe even want to flex that freedom at your former partner to whom you were so resentfully chained for so long. But Rule No. 1 of parenting after divorce is you have to keep parenting after you divorce. You’re still co-parents. Your ex should know where you are, they should be able to express concern or worry about situations in which you put yourself at risk, you should take that concern or worry as seriously as you should take any feelings from a co-parent, and you should remain connected and reachable at all times where kids are involved. Divorce may mean that your marriage is over, but it does not mean your family is.

—Carvell Wallace

From: Can We Have Daytime Sex When Our Son’s in the House? (May 1st, 2019).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My fifth grader will be moving to a private school next year after finishing elementary school. The new school will have a mix of kids who’ve been there for years and new kids. My son is a cerebral, nerdy kid who’s struggled socially. He has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments when he feels insecure, or he gets excessively silly, and that doesn’t always go over well. What can I do to help my son navigate this transition socially? How can I encourage him to brag less and not repeat some of the mistakes (my word, not his!) that felled him in elementary school?

—Trying to Remain Chill in California

Dear Trying,

There is telling a kid something and then there is a kid learning something, and those two are just not the same thing. Kids need both, but we can’t make both happen on our own. You certainly seem to understand that some of the things your son does may make for a rocky time socially, but I can assure you that if you make it your goal to preemptively train these qualities out of him then not only will you fail, but you’ll also communicate to him that you have a problem with who he fundamentally is.

Of course, as a parent you never want that, so I would suggest a loving distance here. You can very occasionally and very gently mention some of these things as they come up in your interactions with him, but you are not the real teacher here. Experience is. If he runs into social trouble, the most you may be able to do is help him understand why it’s happening. That doesn’t mean he’ll listen, though. Most growth comes from intrinsic motivation, and he’ll do what he wants to do as long as he wants to do it and until he’s done doing it.

And there’s also the wonderful possibility that he may not have a painful social experience at all! Life is full of surprises. But if he does, then what he’ll need from home is not criticism or correction but love and acceptance. Practice that first, and trust time and his own intelligence to do some of the other work for you. Good luck.

—C.W.

From: Can I Take My Kids to Bet on the Ponies? (April 10th, 2019).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband is growing increasingly frustrated that he can’t find a good hobby that suits him and is quite bored in his free time. He has tried many different activities to try to strike interest (often buying costly equipment), but nothing has really stuck so far. I have a creative hobby I am obsessed with and have turned into a bit of a side hustle, and I think he’s envious that he doesn’t have something he’s as passionate about as well. We don’t have a lot of friends to socialize with, and we don’t particularly like traveling, so those things aren’t really an option for things to do.

Which brings me to my strange question: Is it a bad idea to suggest to him that parenting become our new hobby? We’ve already discussed that we want to have a child eventually, and now seems like as good a time as ever to me. However, I’m not sure how to bring this up to him and what the best way to frame it is. I brought it up about six months ago, and he said he wanted us to focus on our own health (mental and physical) more first, but I’m not sure what we would need to accomplish for him to see it as the right time to get serious about family planning. Am I overthinking this?

—Baby O’Clock?

Dear BOC,

I always get a hmmm feeling when a married person tells me they’re “not sure how to bring this up” when “this” is the timing on having a child. There are a lot of conversations not being had in your family, and you need to get those ironed out first.

Ask him what he meant by “focus[ing] on our own health” first. Ask him what that looks like to him. Ask him if he wants to go to counseling (together or apart).

It is not yet baby o’clock, of this I am sure. Parenting is also not a hobby (it is, often, the death of hobbies), so I recommend not using that particular phrase to wedge yourself into this conversation. He just doesn’t seem happy right now. If he’s generally an Eeyore, that’s one thing; lots of people have kids with an Eeyore, and it works out great. But if this glum phase is of a more recent duration, you will need to process it before moving forward to the next big stage of your life.

I wish you all the best, and especially … go to counseling.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: Can I Take My Kids to Bet on the Ponies? (April 10th, 2019).

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My husband and I have a 3½-year-old who is the only grandchild on his side of the family. My in-laws are very loving with her and want to see her constantly. Recently, after our daughter spent the night with her grandparents, she came home talking about taking a bath with Grandma. I asked a few questions to clarify, and it turns out that, yes, she and Grandma took a bath together. I am all about body positivity, and we use the anatomical names for body parts, but for some reason, this makes me feel icky.