Dad Asks How Young Is Too Young for “The Talk”

A common challenge most parents face is fielding questions from their kids about childbirth. And as one dad recently shared on Reddit, the days of explaining things with talk of storks or other mythical tales are likely over.

Though in this particular case, the redditor and his wife didn’t see eye-to-eye on the best approach to take when broaching the topic with their son, which caused significant relational tensions in the couple.

A Birds & Bees Blindside

Redditor u/xdozex’s tale starts in the car on the way home from piano lessons when his 8-year-old declared he knew that “babies come out of the Mommy’s private area, but wanted to know how the baby gets in there in the first place.”

After an attempt to give what he thought was a very basic and age-appropriate birds and bees talk, with some lines about babies showing up after a mom and dad kiss for a while, dad was called out by his young son. Dad writes how his son provided accurate details about sexual intercourse that the dad had assumed his son wasn’t aware of yet.

In this case, the young boy came across this information through innocent and old-fashioned means: a friend found an old science textbook at home and brought it to school. Knowing the cat was out of the bag, dad tackled the discussion more directly. He let his son know that his understanding was pretty accurate, but that he wanted to wait to share more details until his son got a bit older.

However, when dad recounted the story to his wife later that night, she was initially frustrated that he hadn’t halted the conversation in its tracks. In her mind, their son was too young for such content.

In hindsight, dad says he wishes he had looped her in first. But in the moment, he felt it was essential to keep the conversation going to ensure his son knew he could come to his parents with essential topics, even if it meant having uncomfortable discussions. 

When Should We Be Ready To Have ‘The Talk’ With Kids?

Getting caught off-guard by inquisitive kids is part of the job as parents. This particular story provides a helpful inflection point about how and when we should be prepared to talk about sex and childbirth with kids. After all, there’s a fine line between being appropriately informative and the dreaded overshare. 

“Between the ages of 6 and 9, children are naturally curious but still very concrete thinkers,” explains Zishan Khan, MD, a Psychiatric Clinician at Mindbath Health. “It’s unhelpful, and obviously inappropriate, to provide overly graphic or emotionally complex information, such as explicit details about sexual intercourse, pornography, or discussions that emphasize adult emotional intimacy or pleasure.”

Dr. Khan maintains that those advanced concepts are developmentally beyond a young child’s comprehension and can lead to confusion, anxiety, or inappropriate mimicry. Instead, he encourages parents to focus on using anatomically correct terms, a basic explanation of the biological roles of sperm and egg, and presenting information in a calm, factual, and age-appropriate manner.

“Parents should consider their child’s personality, level of curiosity, emotional maturity, and the likelihood of exposure to external sources of information,” Dr. Khan says. “ A proactive approach helps normalize the topic early and sets the tone for openness in future discussions. However, it’s also okay to be reactive—answering questions as they come up—so long as the parent responds calmly and accurately without avoidance.”

One upside to a proactive approach is that your child will feel more prepared when they start showing signs of puberty. Those signs can start to present as early as age 9 for boys and age 8 for girls. 

Clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice Elizabeth L. Jeglic, Ph.D., also emphasizes the importance of having age-appropriate conversations about sex, in light of research on preventing sexual violence.

“Research shows that children who get open and honest communication about healthy sexuality from their parents/guardians are actually more likely to delay the onset of sexual behavior, as opposed to the opposite, which is what many parents fear,” says Dr. Jeglic, who’s also a sexual violence prevention researcher with over 180 books and articles. “If parents do not have open and honest talks about sex, kids get the message that sex and sexuality are shameful, and thus they are less likely to reach out if they feel uncomfortable in situations.”

Get Comfortable With the Uncomfortable

Those honest talks constitute a tall challenge for many parents, especially those who didn’t have that openness modeled for them as kids. The dad from the Reddit thread certainly falls into this category. 

“Growing up, my family never had uncomfortable discussions,” he writes. “Nobody ever had ‘the talk’ with me, and I was way too uncomfortable to ever bring it up. I always told myself I would never let our family dynamic be that way. And I’d rather be honest with him and give him enough info to keep him from wondering or digging more behind our backs.”

Dr. Khan had a similar childhood experience that he attributes to cultural norms. “This was something I dealt with growing up in my household, being from a South Asian background,” he shares. “But we now know that taking a more proactive approach helps establish a foundation of trust and positions the parent as a safe and reliable source of information, which is obviously crucial as the child matures and encounters even more complex issues.”

For caregivers in search of helpful resources to assist in discussions about natural growth and changes with kids, Dr. Jeglic suggests the following titles:

“But while these books can be helpful, nothing beats parents talking openly and honestly about these topics with their kids and answering their questions,” Dr. Jeglic emphasizes. “That way, they learn about it the way you want, but you also send the message that this is something [we should talk about].”

In a world where kids may receive information about sex from far more disreputable sources than an old science textbook, there’s certainly value in getting ahead of their questions and opening a line of communication early.

The idea that kids need a “sex talk” right before the topic is covered in Jr. high health class is antiquated at this point. It behooves parents to initiate the conversation early and on their own terms, and continue that dialogue as kids grow older.