Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Last weekend, I was over at my sister-in-law’s place with my 5-year-old son, “Liam,” when a small tragedy occurred. Liam and his cousin “Mia” (also 5) were playing with some helium-filled balloons they got from a neighbor. The kids came up with the idea that it would be fun to string some balloons through the rim of a paper cup and make a little hot air balloon. Then they thought that it would be the perfect size for “Stuart,” Mia’s older brother’s pet mouse. Caleb was out, Stuart was retrieved, and the experiment commenced in the backyard.
Unfortunately, it worked too well. Stuart took off into the wild blue yonder, never to be seen again. We found this out when the kids came running into the family room where Jennifer and I were playing with my 15-month-old nephew, in tears, saying they had “lost” Stuart.
Caleb was devastated and furious with both Mia and Liam. Jennifer is furious with me and claims Liam was a “bad influence” on Mia. I told her that if anything, this was a lesson for us that we needed to commit to keeping a more watchful eye on the kids in the future. Considering all the things that could have happened, we got off relatively easy. Now my sister-in-law says Liam can’t come over to her place. I had him apologize to Caleb and even offered to get my nephew a new mouse, but Jennifer is still seething. My husband says his sister has always been like this; she’ll get over it and just needs time to unclench her ass. Is there anything else that I could do to make amends?
—Parenting After the Fact
Dear Parenting,
If your husband says this is Jennifer’s normal response level, then it’s probably just best to give her time to cool off. You may want to consider a gift for Caleb to make amends (such as a gift certificate to a pet store) and you could also write a heartfelt note to him apologizing and get Liam to sign it. There’s not really much else for you to do. This was a silly childhood act and there’s no reason to believe that any child was negatively influenced by another. Hopefully, Jennifer will come around sooner than later and realize that there’s no need to ban her 5-year-old nephew from her home. If she doesn’t, then that says a lot more about her than it does anyone else. And I’d say it then falls on your husband to intervene and talk some sense into her.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter “Delia” has high-prescription glasses with bifocal lenses. Two weeks ago, when she got her updated prescription, she begged for transition lenses despite my warnings that she might not love how they looked. She’s had prescription sunglasses in the past but wanted the ease of only needing one pair. Now, unsurprisingly, she’s unhappy with her glasses and wants a new pair. No one else has commented on their appearance, she says, but she just doesn’t like how they look herself. She has pale blue eyes and her eyes hurt easily without sunglasses. The cost to get new sunglasses isn’t prohibitive, there are affordable options online, though it is more expensive due to the complex nature of her prescription. But my wife and I are at an impasse. Delia has not been great at living with the consequences of her choices in the past. I want her to learn a lesson about making choices and living with the consequences, and we’ll buy her new sunglasses in a month or two. My wife thinks we should buy her new sunglasses now, and can teach her the lesson in a different way. Who is right?
—Living with Consequences
Dear Living,
If you lacked the means to purchase the glasses, or if they would be terribly expensive, then it may be time for your daughter to learn a difficult lesson. Since that isn’t the case, I don’t see the value in making her suffer. We’re not talking about purchasing the wrong pair of tennis shoes or a video game that she doesn’t like; her glasses are an appliance that she requires, and I think it’s best for her to have a pair that she can live with. Transitional lenses can be a real pain (my daughter hated hers too), not always turning clear fast enough when you go inside. I think you should have rejected her request because you were able to accurately predict that she wouldn’t like them; at 9, sometimes you still have to make big decisions on your kid’s behalf. Cheap prescription glasses and sunglasses are more widely available online now than ever before. Get her an inexpensive pair and make sure she chooses wisely. Let her know that getting a new pair this quickly is a one-time thing and that she will have to learn to live with the glasses she selects this go around.
Dear Care and Feeding,
It’s already summer vacation here, and my 9-year-old daughter, “Kayley,” wants to earn some extra money by walking dogs. Her father thinks this is a good idea and is encouraging her to pursue it. I am completely against it. This might seem like a good idea for a kid on paper, but in reality, not so much. Kayley is a little on the small side for her age, and I have serious doubts that she would be able to control a larger dog if it were to bolt. Then there is also just too much potential for liability if one of these dogs were to be injured or killed in the event that it broke free or if Kayley were to encounter a loose dog that became aggressive, or God-knows-what else. How can I get my husband to back me up here?
—No Dog Days of Summer
Dear No Dog Days,
You’re right that something could go horribly awry. I think dog walking might be OK for a savvy middle schooler, but that’s a lot of responsibility for a 9-year-old. Does Kayley routinely walk the neighborhood by herself? Do you live in an area where she could do so safely? You raise very important points about what could go wrong, and I think you should continue to lead with those issues as you discuss this with your family. If something were to happen to a dog in Kayley’s care, the owners may expect her parents (or their insurance) to be liable. Also, 9 is pretty young to be coordinating appointments with adults.
I do think there’s a compromise, if you’re able and willing. What if Kayley got some practice this summer walking smaller dogs while accompanied by a parent? If you and/or her dad have the time to go with her, maybe she can give things a shot. If not, I’d put my foot down and say no. Your daughter needs to be patient. She has plenty of time to enter the workforce. If she’s pressed about money, consider giving her an allowance based on chores around the house.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
We have two adorable grandchildren, 4 and 6, on the other side of the country. Their parents, our son and daughter-in-law, are struggling with debt and living in a one-bedroom apartment. The financial problems are related to their own bad decisions and to serious medical problems, which are mostly resolved but may recur. Our son works remotely, but he needs to be at work, not caring for high-energy rambunctious kids who get very loud and excited playing video games or watching TV. Our daughter-in-law just got a job that involves a lot of overnight travel. They have decided that the way to get ahead financially is to give up their apartment and move in with us for three months this summer. They would save on rent and child care. At first we were thrilled. We have plenty of room to put the four of them up. But then we faced the reality that they are counting on us for day care.
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