Too Old For Kids? Pros And Cons Of Late Motherhood From A 49-Year-Old Kindergarten Mom

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HAMBURG — Not long ago, my five-year-old son was invited over to a kindergarten friend’s house for the first time. He didn’t want to go alone, so I went with him. The girl’s dad was standing at his espresso machine, making coffee and casually said, “So, I’m 38!” I was caught off guard. Clearly, he was expecting me to say how old I was. I didn’t take the bait.

Maybe because his question threw me — why bring it up at all? — I just kept saying “cool” to everything. By the time we got home, I felt a bit silly. Like an older mom trying to act young, even though I had felt totally fine and young when I left the house.

I’m 49, and somehow I’m part of a generational experiment that has brought children into the world later in life. I had our first son at 37, and our youngest at 43. I think that’s (mostly) great, and scientific studies on “older mothers” back me up: Great, I did everything right!

Where to draw the line for “older mothers” depends on the study, but it usually starts around age 30. I find the results reassuring: According to research from the Max Planck Society, having kids later makes parents happier over the long term. Other studies show that children of older mothers are more socially capable, have fewer behavioral issues, do better in school, excel in math and, in general, they’re healthier and taller.

Studies v. real life

Studies suggest this has to do with older mothers tending to have higher levels of education (younger mothers may have to interrupt their education), more stable relationships, greater life experience and, maybe as a result, more balanced, calm and patient parenting.

I try to keep all that in mind, to radiate peace and patience, and to believe that I’m not missing out on anything when my younger son sorts through his 120 tea bag labels, which he’s collected one by one from us while we drink tea, and wants me to watch him without so much glancing at my phone. If only it were that easy.

What’s reassuring about the mismatch between research and real life is that it proves I’m not so different from younger mothers.

My son, for his part, can be a little intense. The other day, he stood in front of me with what was left of his toy guitar, which he’d broken, and which is about the same size as he is, and threatened to throw it at my head. What he really planned to execute isn’t clear, but what’s clear is that he’s never heard of the studies claiming his age group is supposed to be particularly well-balanced behavior-wise — and the study authors clearly haven’t heard of him either.

What’s reassuring about the mismatch between research and real life is that it proves I’m not so different from younger mothers. I know that, even if the younger ones don’t always see it.

Late parenthood isn’t new

Michaela Kreyenfeld, professor of sociology at the Hertie School in Berlin, who studies family demography and sociology, speaks from both her own life and academic work when she says how people perceive a mother’s age depends on where and in what kind of community you live. She had her second child at 37. “We had just moved, and when I picked up my daughter from daycare in Brandenburg, a friend said, ‘Oh, your grandma’s here!’ Because in Brandenburg, the average age at first birth is still lower than in other areas.”

In eastern Germany, it’s generally lower than in the west, and even within cities there are big differences. Education also plays a role: Women with degrees tend to be older when they have their first child. “Depending on where you are, you might be seen as an older mother,” says Kreyenfeld. “Having children later in life isn’t new. What’s new is delaying the first child.”

What I can do is take care of myself, practice self-care, exercise.

Realizing that late parenthood isn’t some brand-new phenomenon was a small revelation. It’s probably just not something society thinks about much. And anyway, how can you really tell whether the older mom you see at the playground has just one child or four others at home?

Nina Rohmeder-Godenrath, a parenting coach, educator, daycare director and mother of four in Munich, says she often sees deep insecurity in mothers who’ve had their first child later in life. They don’t want to mess anything up, but they also feel ashamed for having waited so long. “The mothers are ashamed that they were ‘just’ thinking about themselves, their careers, or that they didn’t find the right man. But what does that even mean? Who’s supposed to do what, when?” asks Rohmeder-Godenrath.

That one unpleasant part

As for me, I enjoy life as an older mother. Still, I sometimes wonder why we waited so long to have a second child. And then I feel guilty that our youngest has such old parents and that I’ll be close to retirement when he finishes school. Maybe that guilt turns into a kind of shame over what we’ve burdened him with.

Rohmeder-Godenrath, who is 47 herself, says she sometimes feels the same way about her younger son. “But being an older mother isn’t something I can change. What I can do is take care of myself, practice self-care, exercise. You can look after yourself and be a fit older mom.”

Unfortunately, I don’t have much time for that, or for dwelling on my age. Maybe that’s what it was, maybe that’s why the dad’s comment at the espresso machine threw me off. Because it reminded me of that one unpleasant part of being an older mother: Feeling sorry for my youngest.

Luckily, he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. He’s a happy, much-loved late arrival. Every now and then he does worry about how old I am. Not long ago, he asked if Grandma and Grandpa were younger than me. And just a few days ago, after I told him he was acting like a 3-year-old during one of his tantrums, he shot back, “How old are you, like, 2 million years or something?”