Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email [email protected]. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.
Q: As a newlywed, I’m eager to cultivate deep, lasting friendships with other couples, but that feels like it’s complicated by living in a very transient city in an increasingly low-commitment culture. Long-term friendship seems like it requires a dance between intentional commitment and genuine enjoyment. Should we just be frank with new friends about the commitment we want? Will it scare them off? —Wondering in Washington, DC
Beth Moore: Lasting, life-giving friendships make life so much richer, but boy, do we have to fight for them in this culture. It sounds like you’re willing to try, and that alone makes a real difference.
Good friendships develop organically, but they require opportunity and availability to grow. If opportunities come, take them! Make yourself available even if it takes extra effort. Think companionship over convenience, but also think about how to make it easier to routinely see each other. Do you live close, share a commute, or participate in the same small group?
If not, think about whether that could change. If organic opportunities don’t come, might God want you to facilitate some? Your friends (or even prospective friends) might have the same desire for a long-term commitment, but perhaps they’re nervous to mention it. Whatever the situation, you can always pray for good friends, put yourselves out there, and stay open to the unexpected.
And sometimes friendship can be very unexpected. When my husband, Keith, and I attended our first newlyweds’ class at church, I was appalled to see a woman there who’d made fun of me in high school. But 46 years later, she and her husband are our best friends. God can work wonders with proximity and an open heart.
Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.
Q: My kids go to a Christian school where students routinely say the Pledge of Allegiance. I don’t like the practice from a theological perspective, but it doesn’t outweigh all the good things about this school. One of my children doesn’t like to say the Pledge, and I’ve told him he has my permission to be respectfully silent. My question: Should I proactively tell the school administration or just explain if they happen to notice? —Parenting in Pennsylvania
Kevin Antlitz: In first grade, I had a friend whose parents forbade him to recite the Pledge. I asked why and vaguely recall him saying it was for “religious reasons.” At six years old, not coming from a devout family, I had no idea what that could possibly mean and didn’t think to ask.
Reconsidering it now, I can see why a serious Christian—or a committed atheist, for that matter—would have qualms about the Pledge. The idea of pledging alliance to “one nation under God” could be problematic for both, albeit for very different reasons.
For some Christians, pledging allegiance to any person or thing other than God alone may be scandalous. I can understand why someone would hold to that conviction, drawing on verses like Matthew 5:34, Luke 16:13, or John 18:36, which is why I think this is one of those things reasonable Christians should be able to agree to disagree about graciously, including in this school setting.
In your case, I do think it’s worth taking the initiative to speak with the school. It’s not unusual for leaders of institutions to continue to do things simply because they’ve always done them that way. Perhaps a conversation will lead administrators to reconsider the liturgy of the Pledge.
Or perhaps not. Either way, this would offer a great educational opportunity for your child to think seriously about the import of his words and how to hold to his convictions in a gracious way.
Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three children under ten, whom they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus.
Q: I’ve decided to end my eight-month-long dating relationship for a variety of reasons, and a lot of people in my life support this decision. But how do I end the relationship in a godly way? I don’t want to cause unnecessary hurt or anxiety, and we will likely see each other around our university campus. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’ve seen a lot of breakups go very poorly and I want to do better. —Rattled in Rhode Island
Kiara John-Charles: Ending a relationship isn’t easy. Hurt feelings may be inevitable, yet seeking to handle it in a godly way shows you’re on the right path.
Our culture gives plenty of attention to recognizing red flags early in a relationship, but there’s less focus on how to end things well. Ghosting and “situationships” are increasingly common, but being honest and direct will help you set clear boundaries and avoid unnecessary hurt.
When communicating your decision, I encourage you to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). While the Bible doesn’t provide specific instructions on how to end a dating relationship, it does offer guidance on honoring others with our words. Verses like Ephesians 4:25 call us to “put off falsehood,” and Colossians 4:6 reminds us to let our speech be gracious.
Before having the conversation, take time to pray, ensuring that your desire to be loving outweighs any hurt feelings you may have. Arrange to meet in person. Be mindful of the other person’s feelings, and remember that while honesty is important, it’s also essential to be kind.
You don’t need to be brutally honest—sometimes less is more. Keep your words simple and clear, and give the other person space to process, with or without you present. Last, trust the Holy Spirit to guide your words toward love, even though you’re no longer in love.
Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.
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