For years now, I’ve believed America’s ungrateful children deserve, at most, three dolls and five pencils. Anything more spoils the little wretches and makes them happy.
Trump says tariffs may impact how much parents buy for kids
President Donald Trump says that tariffs on China may impact the cost of products for children.
I have long been a one-issue voter, and that issue is making sure American families can only buy their children a limited number of dolls and pencils. That’s why I proudly cast my vote for President Donald “Three Dolls” Trump, and I’m delighted to see him coming through on the thing that matters most to me.
In a recent interview, Trump was asked about his tariffs on China and how they might lead to higher prices and empty store shelves, and he said this of American children: “I’m just saying they don’t need to have 30 dolls. They can have three. They don’t need to have 250 pencils. They can have five.”
Exactly.
For years now, I’ve believed America’s ungrateful children deserve, at most, three dolls and five pencils. Anything more spoils the little wretches and makes them happy. Smiling children will be useless on the assembly lines of all the U.S. factories that will be built thanks to Trump’s tariffs. As the saying goes, “Stop smiling and screw in those tiny iPhone screws, child!”
We need Trump to tell parents how many dolls and pencils they can buy
When Trump first addressed doll rationing, he proposed a two-doll limit: “Maybe children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.”
You can see how kind and generous Trump is because he quickly abandoned the two-doll proposal in favor of the aforementioned three-doll-per-child proposal. We are fortunate to have a billionaire in charge who allows the youth of America such extravagances, one who confidently tells parents not to worry about rising prices while humbly keeping his taxes low.
Aboard Air Force One on May 4, Trump said: “A young lady – 10-year-old girl, 9-year-old girl, 15-year-old girl – doesn’t need 37 dolls. She could be very happy with two or three or four or five.”
Easy there, Mr. President. I don’t think we need to get too loosey-goosey with the rules and start encouraging four or five dolls. Three should definitely be the maximum allowed.
This is a time of ‘shared sacrifice,’ say the people who aren’t sacrificing
After all, we are in an economic moment that demands shared sacrifice, one that Trump created because he likes repeating the word “tariffs,” as is his right.
Republican Ohio Rep. David Joyce, who, according to the financial technology firm Quiver Quantitative, has a net worth of more than $4.5 million, said this on April 5: “The idea that the Christmas trade is already starting to slow down … and there might be less around, I get it. I think the American people will understand that because the American people understand shared sacrifice.”
Correct. As the multimillionaire said, we Americans understand shared sacrifice. Like when we were asked to wear small face masks during a deadly global pandemic and everybody complied without a complaint or a single shout of “Tyranny!”
To support Trump’s tariffs, I’m sure all Americans will be 100% on board with doll rationing and making sure children don’t exceed their annual pencil limit, particularly since pencils will soon cost $100 each.
The president’s children may have grown up amid untold opulence and probably solid-gold pencils, but that doesn’t mean our yucky nonbillionaire children should be treated the same.
What kind of spoiled child needs more than five pencils?
Speaking of pencils, I applaud Trump’s five-pencil-per-kid policy. When my children were growing up, they would sometimes come home from school with more than five pencils – six, seven … even eight – and it disgusted me. I would say, “You there! The younger one. What are you doing with all those pencils? Who do you think you are, Donald Trump?”
To which the younger one would respond: “Who’s Donald Trump?”
I didn’t realize how disrespectful that was at the time, so I have now retroactively grounded him, even though he’s an adult.
Trump should consider a tariff on cakes next
Suffice it to say, pencils are a luxury, and American children must learn to use them until their fingers bleed from trying to write with a pointy nub.
The same goes for dolls. If you want more dolls than you’re allotted, go find yourself a rock and glue some sticks to it, assuming your family is wealthy enough to afford glue.
With the dolls-and-pencils crisis solved, I hope Trump will now use tariffs to do something about cake. After all, what kind of greedy population is allowed to both have it AND eat it too? It’s time for some shared sacrifice, people.
Having and eating cake is an indulgence reserved only for those telling us to tighten our belts.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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