Not completely obsessed with Love on the Spectrum at the moment? Can’t relate.
The Netflix series is unlike all the other wannabe-influencers-stuck-on-an-island-with-nothing-to-do-but-talk dating shows that dominate reality TV nowadays. The show follows a handful of people on the autism spectrum as they navigate the uncertain waters of relationships, sex, and love. And is it precious.
It’s quite a light in the dark (and lonely) tunnel that is modern dating. It feels like finding love should be more streamlined than ever thanks to dating apps, but it’s not as efficient in practice as in theory. In fact, it takes online daters an average of 4,000 swipes to find a partner, according to one 2023 survey. Folks are feeling the struggle: Nearly half (46 percent) of dating app users said their experiences have been overall very or somewhat negative, per the Pew Research Center.
The LOTS cast is adorable, yes, but watching them also felt like taking a masterclass in dating. They made it look effortless—and it made me re-evaluate every date I’ve ever been on. There’s something we can all learn from them on how to date better and, ultimately, find lasting love.
Ahead, here’s six must-try trips inspired by your Love On The Spectrum favorites, like Abby, David, James, Dani, Connor, and Tanner. Plus, NYC-based sex and relationships therapist Shelby Terrell, LMSW, explains exactly why these tactics work and how to incorporate them into your own life to make dating less…meh.
6 Tips For Better Dating From Love on the Spectrum
Look at honesty differently.
Individuals on the autism spectrum are rockstars at being honest—something we can all use more of in our lives, especially when it comes to dating. For instance, the second Tanner didn’t feel a romantic connection with Shyann, he was straightforward about it, and they were able to remain friends. Another example: Dani was always ready and willing to discuss her desire for a physical relationship from the jump.
Honesty is a key part of building trust in a budding relationship, even if it ultimately doesn’t work out. “In dating, it’s really important to be able to trust what the other person is saying as much as you want them to trust what you are saying,” Terrell says. “If you can be as honest as possible, you’re more likely going to have a satisfying outcome and better connection.”
Kaelynn was especially good at this. She would often open up about how her autism made her feel throughout her life, allowing for an open conversation about the condition and how it affects her relationships. That’s a prime example of how being honest, and vulnerable, can open the door to greater connection.
Of course, with honesty often comes rejection. Being rejected (and rejecting someone else) is hard—everyone knows that. But if you reshape the way you look at honesty, you’ll realize it’s better to hear that someone is no longer romantically interested in you soon rather than later, says Terrell. The longer the other person waits to be honest about their feelings (or lack thereof), the more invested you become in them and a potential relationship. When they finally drop the truth bomb, you might feel you’ve been rejected and led on at the same time, which is typically more painful.
Don’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
If you’re so focused on finding “the spark,” you might be blinded to someone great simply because your connection might be more of a slow burn. Truth is, instant chemistry can be misleading—like it was with Dani and Solomon in season one. They were so excited about each other from the get-go (to the point that Dani accidentally dropped the L word), but realized a few dates later that they weren’t aligned on many core values.
You need both chemistry and compatibility to make a relationship work, Terrell says. Chemistry is that undeniable magnetism where you can’t help but feel drawn to someone, while compatibility is connecting on shared goals and values.
Both are necessary in finding romantic love, but only one can help make love last. Chemistry fuels that passionate love everyone wants to feel during the “honeymoon phase”—but that often fades quickly. When it does, compatibility is what really keeps a couple together for the long haul. It’s a key component of companionate love, which is the kind of friendship-esque love that develops over time and has been proven by science to lead to stronger and longer connections. In fact, a study in Social Behavior and Personality found that “life satisfaction was more strongly predicted by companionate love than by passionate love.”
If you feel that strong chemistry at the beginning of a date, you might find yourself day dreaming about that person early on and heightening the stakes. If you’re not compatible on core values, though, it might be a lot of build up for nothing—causing you to get more hurt by the situation.
Stay true to your standards.
Pretty much everyone, even Taylor Swift, has looked at a love interest, found something lacking, and thought, “I can fix him (no really, I can).” And how many times has that actually worked out? Cue the crickets sound.
But the LOTS cast is the exception to this rule—they have absolutely no problem shutting down the people that do not meet their standards. For example, Dani was absolutely certain she wanted a physical relationship. Adan was not there yet, and Dani decided she valued it too much to remain with him any longer.
Sure, sticking to your non-negotiables can severely narrow down your dating pool, but that’s actually good if you’re truly looking for a lasting partnership. “You want someone who is aligned with you, so you can create compatibility long-term,” Terrell says. “Don’t sacrifice your wants and needs for a version of someone that doesn’t exist yet.”
If either Dani or Adan had not prioritized their individual wants and needs, they might very well still be in a relationship that was ultimately unsatisfying. When a value or quality means a lot to you, own it. That said, you might have to strike a balance between what you want and what you’re willing to give up for “the right person”—and that’s okay, couples often need to compromise—but if you feel like you’re “settling” in order to save a relationship, you’re better off single.
Be enthusiastic about your interests.
Abby and David both love animals and waterparks. Madison and Tyler can’t get enough of country music and Christmas (adorable). Connor and Georgie are obsessed with dogs.
“One of the beautiful things about the people on the autism spectrum is they typically have strong special interests,” Terrell says. “Not to say that people who don’t have the diagnosis don’t have special interests, but it’s something that is really important to them.”
Dating apps don’t exactly help us in this regard. A developer-selected list of interests that include only widely popular likes such as travel, tacos, and The Office severely limit how you can market yourself. It takes a deeper dive to figure out if someone is actually compatible with you.
The next time you’re on a date, think of sharing specific interests “as a Venn diagram: what is mine, what is yours, and what is ours,” Terrell says. “You don’t need to be in alignment on all interests, but it’s good to make sure that you have enough to fill each box so you can maintain your autonomy and individualism, as well as shared activities that you can support each other in and enjoy together.”
Be grateful for each other, even in the early stages.
First dates are hard, for all parties involved. They’re usually awkward and require you to get vulnerable—something that makes most people uncomfortable. Acknowledging that feeling and recognizing that your date is also dealing with a bunch of emotions, all in hopes of finding a connection is important.
Often, LOTS stars will bring a small gift for their date, even before they know them. Madison made Tyler a bracelet, while James brought Sonia a gummy candy bouquet. It doesn’t need to be something big, but a token of appreciation always “softens the situation,” Terrell says. “It’s a good icebreaker, and it makes the other person feel thought of.”
A small bouquet of flowers or some candy will do the trick, but it doesn’t even have to be a physical gift, Terrell says. Simply saying, “Hey, I know first dates are always a little uncomfortable, so thanks for coming out to meet me today,” is enough to acknowledge your appreciation.
Take the pressure off your environment.
Those on the autism spectrum deal with heightened sensory sensitivity. They’re more likely to be bothered in loud and crowded spaces. For example, when Madison went on a dinner date with Brandon, he was feeling very overstimulated in the restaurant, and kept bending closer and closer to the table to feel more comfortable. Eventually, they went outside where he was more comfortable, and they were able to have a much better conversation.
Due to their heightened sensory sensitivity, those on the autism spectrum tend to be very discerning when choosing a location or activity for a first date. You should be, too.
“When we sit down for a first date—let’s say a dinner—it can kind of feel like an interview if we’re sitting across from each other, adding a certain level of pressure,” Terrell says. “Bilateral stimulation is really helpful for processing.”
Bilateral stimulation is stimuli that requires your brain to fire back and forth on the right and left sides, and is often used as a therapy tactic, because of its proven effectiveness in aiding emotional processing and anxiety reduction. In therapy, it can look like passing a ball back and forth or following a moving light with your eyes.
And, believe it or not, it can be replicated on dates by going for a walk or participating in a shared activity. For example, Abby and David’s first date was walking around the zoo. So, switch up your go-to first date activity of dinner and/or drinks. Walk around the park, go for a hike, test your skills at mini-golf. The world is your oyster.
Cori Ritchey, C.S.C.S., is an Associate Health & Fitness Editor at Men’s Health, a certified strength and condition coach, and group fitness instructor. She reports on topics regarding health, nutrition, mental health, fitness, sex, and relationships. You can find more of her work in HealthCentral, Livestrong, Self, and others.
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