R
ecently, an Orange County woman, age 76, wrote to me about children interfering with her relationship with a man she’s dated for five years. She asked that I not use her true name, so I will call her Jessica. It’s not her children who are creating the problem; it’s her boyfriend’s kids and grandkids who are causing it. She wondered if I had ever written about the topic of kids interfering with their parents’ relationships.
I checked my findingloveafter50.com website and was surprised to find that I have written about this topic multiple times in the 31 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters. I suggested to Jessica that she check out those website articles.
I never had children, so I’m not an expert on this subject. However, I was in a relationship for 25 years with Greta. She had four children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I knew how important family was to her. She spent a lot of time with them, which was fine with me. I was often included. I was blessed; I had a wonderful relationship with each one of her family members.
The details of how kids negatively affect their parents’ relationships vary greatly. Often, the biggest reason is money. At times, readers have mentioned that their children are concerned that they are going to lose their inheritance to their parents’ mates or lovers. That was Jessica’s boyfriend’s kids’ concern.
Jessica added, “Shouldn’t the children be happy that their father has found love? And shouldn’t they leave our relationship to us to navigate? Rather than being thankful that their dad is happy and well-cared for, all that matters to them is the money they imagine they might lose. Such a pity.
“The ironic part of this melodrama is that if they were smart, they would be kissing up to me to get part of my estate when I die! I am the one with the money.”
Jessica concluded: “This nonsupport situation by adult children affects other senior couples we know, in addition to us. What do your readers think about children negatively affecting relationships? I’d like to hear their opinions.”
A male friend, Wil, mid-70s, said, “I come from a large 14-kid family with blood siblings and step-siblings. I was asked to be the executor of the estate. I was honored to do this for my father. I have six siblings that are older than me. It was a hassle, as every child had a reason why they should be the chosen one to represent the family and control the almighty $$.
“My new wife and I are doing our wills, and with her two sons living within shouting distance, they are telling her how it should be done. Money and property are at the base of the problem.”
Tom’s comment: The details of every situation involving children negatively affecting senior relationships are different.
It could be money, jealousy, insecurity, favoring one child vs. the others, missing the deceased parent, or the child’s demand on the parent’s time. If children are affecting your senior relationship negatively (it’s more common than you think), talk about it with your mate to reach a middle ground and, if necessary, visit a therapist or marriage counselor.
Send me your opinions and I will share them with Jessica.
Tom Blake is a retired Dana Point business owner and resident who has authored books on middle-aged dating. See his website at findingloveafter50.com. To comment: [email protected].
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