EUGENE, Ore. — It’s not possible to protect our children from the ups and downs of life. But as a parent, you can help build motivation and resilience that will help your kids develop the tools they need when they face tough situations.
For example, pediatrician Dr. Pilar Bradshaw with Eugene Pediatric Associates says parents should encourage children to pursue something challenging, whether it’s academics, sports or music. There are valuable lessons to be learned from both victories and setbacks.
“I think one of the real challenges of today’s society of instant gratification is to build a child with grit,” she says. “Having the ability to work hard at something consistently over time and recover in a resilient fashion from things that don’t go well is really a superpower. One of the things I recommend for kids from the time they’re young is to do things repetitively that are challenging.”
Praise the process
There are so many things that kids rely on their parents to teach them, including building motivation and the skills to tackle life’s challenges.
Dr. Bradshaw encourages parents to support your children’s interests and goals—even if they aren’t the interests and goals you would set for them. And, she says, focus on praising the process rather than the outcome.
“You want your kid to know you love them even if there were zero points scored,” she says.
Celebrate both small victories and when things don’t go well. Encourage a celebration of trying rather than a focus on only winning.
“There are always things in a day with a kid that is a win,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “If you call that out and set the next goal, and call that victory out and celebrate those little things, I think that’s great.
“I also think it’s great to tell kids when things don’t go well, ‘That’s OK; we’ll try it again tomorrow. Not a big deal. You did your best, you leave the rest.’ That kind of attitude, that trying is a victory, that winning isn’t the goal, trying is the goal, can help kids not be afraid to try and fail to succeed at something.”
Finding their inner drive
Developmental Psychologist Dr. Marti Erickson, co-host of the Mom Enough podcast, encourages parents to see themselves as “consultants” in helping children find their inner drive and put it to use toward their own goals. She offers four ways to help children develop self-motivation for life.
- Help your child discover passions and dreams. Ask open-ended questions about when they feel happiest, most confident, focused and energized
- Support your child in setting goals, both long-term and short-term. Even if their goals are not the goals you would set for them, bringing focus and energy to something they care about gives their brain useful practice in self-motivation
- Encourage downtime for brain refreshment. With your child, figure out what works best in terms of refreshing their brain from the stress and pressure of busy, noisy lives. Let your child make the decision and see how it works
- Consider engaging an older teen or young adult be a support person. Often it is hard for us parents to disengage as much as we need to do to let our children discover their inner drive, but older high school or college students may be eager to help
Reconsider incentives
Be mindful when offering incentives to motivate your children to accomplish tasks or goals, Dr. Bradshaw says.
“Kids can’t always do something for validation or only for rewards,” she says. “At some point, your kid is going to have to want to do something and enjoy it and see the worth in the work. Paying kids for things or bribing them into things isn’t going to be a long-term solution.”
Dr. Bradshaw says helping your child develop the skills to overcome adversity is one of the best gifts you can give them. “You don’t necessarily want your kid to suffer great hardship but on the other hand, they have to go through some hard things in life and be able to get through those in order to face the hardships that may come in the future.”
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