What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the word intimacy? If your mind went straight to sex, well, I’m right there with you. Sexual intimacy tends to take center stage in conversations about relationships, but there’s another kind of closeness that’s just as important (if not more so): emotional intimacy.
Don’t get me wrong, all the physical stuff is great—kissing, touching, you get it. But what about feeling respected? Feeling truly seen and heard by your partner? That’s emotional intimacy, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of the Intimacy Institute. And according to experts, it’s a crucial component of lasting love.
“Emotional intimacy is really the core of romantic relationships,” says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Beverly Hills. “It’s what creates safety and closeness, and it brings the integration of other forms of intimacy—sexual and physical.”
While emotional intimacy is mainly responsible for all those warm, fuzzy feels, other benefits abound. It also nurtures empathy, reduces conflict, and improves communication between partners—and when it comes to the long haul, research shows that it actually increases overall relationship satisfaction, says Rachel Zar, PhD, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist in Chicago.
But if emotional intimacy is so essential, why does it come more naturally to some people than others? The answer: Attachment styles. ICYDK, these are patterns of behavior in relationships and are categorized as secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. “Emotional intimacy gets compromised if we have a fractured attachment style, like avoidant, anxious, or disorganized, because our fear leads the way,” says Skyler. “It’s hard for us to hear and respect our partner because when we get fearful, we get defensive, we get angry, and we disappear.”
The good news? Fostering a secure attachment style, where communication and connection come easily, is possible, says Skyler. It often happens over time in a relationship by—you might’ve guessed it—actively working together to develop emotional intimacy.
How To Build Emotional Intimacy
There are a few common ways to tell if emotional intimacy is lacking in your relationship, says Chavez. Perhaps your conversations stay pretty surface-level, you feel lonely even when you’re with each other, or you experience a noticeable dip in desire or physical intimacy. Whatever the case, don’t worry—it’s never too late to strengthen that connection. These expert-backed tips can help you and partner feel closer than ever:
1. Talk with eye contact—or while walking.
Maintaining prolonged eye contact with your partner might seem intimidating, especially when it’s coupled with a serious convo, but it’s a powerful way to develop the intimacy that helps form a secure attachment, says Skyler. Sure, it can feel awkward at first, especially if you’ve grown accustomed to having half-distracted discussions, but pushing past that initial resistance can help you stay present and show your partner you’re really listening. And as with anything, the more you practice, the easier it’ll become—not just holding eye contact, but also being intentional with how you communicate.
But if locking eyes still feels a bit too uncomfortable, try talking while walking instead. “You’re both moving both legs, and that’s a bilateral process,” says Skyler. “So, you’re accessing both parts of your brain and illuminating the areas needed to stay present and be part of the conversation.” Many couples spend what should be quality time on auto-pilot—scrolling on their phones, watching TV, etc.—but staying present is crucial to developing emotional intimacy. It’s really what allows you and your partner to hear and feel heard. And these strategies aren’t just for tough talks—making eye contact or walking while you chat is especially effective if it’s a part of a regular, intentional routine, like asking your partner about their day.
2. Use ‘I’ statements.
It can be all too easy to play the blame game in relationships, but that usually just puts both partners on the defensive and can lead to disconnection. When conflict arises, instead of saying “You always do this” or “You never do that,” talk in “I” statements that express your perspective on the situation and how you would like it resolved. “If you can have extreme ownership of your experience, your feelings, and your beliefs, then the other person isn’t rendered in a defensive position,” says Skyler.
A simple way to practice this? Say: I feel…, I perceive…, I would love… while encouraging your partner to respond in the same way. Speaking in “I” statements allows both of you to say your piece clearly, resulting in more constructive communication and a deeper connection.
3. Communicate without words.
Now you know how to talk the talk, but sometimes, actions speak louder than words… and can help you form a deeper connection in the process. When communicating nonverbally, “we allow our partner to have their space,” says Chavez. “We don’t react, and we’re not problem-solving—we just hold that space, and that can be a really important way to build trust.” This can be as simple as shifting your facial expression in response to your partner. Think: kind eyes when they’re feeling overwhelmed, a reassuring look during a vulnerable moment, or a smile when they’re excited.
Or, this could look like using other non-sexual forms of physical touch to show affection, such as holding hands on an evening walk, putting your arm around them at a party, or giving them a long hug after a long day. “Physical touch helps us release oxytocin, which is also known as the bonding hormone or the love hormone,” says Chavez. And that chemical reaction can leave you feeling emotionally closer than ever.
4. Spend time apart.
This might sound counterintuitive, but giving each other space can actually help you feel closer. “Healthy attachment relies on a balance between togetherness and separateness,” says Zar. “Time apart gives you the chance to miss your partner, crave togetherness, and have things to share with them when you do see them.” That separate time might look like regularly grabbing dinner with friends, diving into your favorite hobby for a few hours every weekend, or even just spending time in different rooms for a bit each day.
5. Make time for play.
A healthy relationship isn’t just deep talks and everyday tasks (although those obviously matter). Playful moments—where partners feel safe and experience heightened excitement in their nervous systems—are great for building emotional connection, says Zar. When partners feel excited during a shared experience, their bodies release several hormones feel-good hormones—dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin—as well as adrenaline, all which help deepen an emotional bond, adds Chavez. This can be anything from battling it out over a board game, hitting the pickleball court, or even getting frisky between the sheets. However you choose to play, everyone’s a winner!
How To Maintain Emotional Intimacy
Now that you know a few ways to develop emotional intimacy, how do you keep it going strong—especially in a long-term relationship or marriage, where life is constantly throwing new curveballs your way?
“The way to establish emotional intimacy long-term is intentionality,” says Zar. “When we just expect it to always be there, and then freak out when it’s not, we’re not really putting ourselves in the driver’s seat.”
Skyler offers a simple way to grab the wheel: The three date rule. Each week (in a perfect world, but hey, shoot for at least once a month), you and your partner carve out time for three “dates,” each with a different purpose.
- The Fun Date: You might grab dinner, catch a show, attend a sporting event—anything you both enjoy and creates that sense of play.
- The Business Date: You sit down and talk through practical matters, like financial plans or family responsibilities.
- The Emotional Connection Date: You have a heart-to-heart conversation where you check in with each other to see how you’re both feeling and doing.
Establishing this kind of routine helps keep things balanced, making sure there’s room for both the silly and serious stuff. But the emotional connection date, in particular, is what really keeps emotional intimacy thriving. “For busy couples who live parallel lives and are ships passing in the night, it just slows down the week,” says Skyler. “It gives couples a half hour to really drop everything and go, What am I feeling? What do I need to navigate?”
That may sound like maintaining emotional intimacy is just another thing to tack onto your never-ending to-do list, and it is. But it can—and should—always be fun. “We don’t want it to feel like work or something mechanical, but as something we can anticipate and look forward to,” says Chavez.
Meet the Experts: Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of the Intimacy Institute. Shannon Chavez, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Beverly Hills. Rachel Zar, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist in Chicago.
Alexa Fricilone is a Chicago-based freelance writer who covers all things dating and relationships. She’s the go-to-girl in her friend group for sex and dating tips—nothing’s too wild for her to tackle. When she’s not dishing out advice, you’ll find her diving into the latest trendy romance books and shows.
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