My Kids Believe I Divorced Their Dad for a “Bad” Reason. If They Only Knew the Half of It.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I divorced my children’s dad for a “bad” reason in their minds, and they are so angry, and I’m not sure how to work through it with them. My kids are 18 and 20, and in college. In their narrative (and their dad’s), I filed for divorce the instant the youngest went to college because I hated their grandma and wanted her to die alone. To me, it’s more complicated. In 2023, my MIL moved in with us for emergency caregiving for Alzheimer’s. She and my husband weren’t close. He was a surprise youngest kid and she openly resented him for it in childhood, although she apologized a few years ago. It seemed like he was trying to make it up to her by taking her in. His older siblings suggested a nursing home, and offered to help arrange it. She could afford it, even. Instead, he moved her in without consulting me, and she needed a lot of help. She could be pretty mean even before the dementia removed her filter, so once that happened, things really deteriorated.

After two years of burnout, anger, and exhaustion, I fell out of love. We had multiple conversations and even marriage counseling about the ways his unilateral decisions were hurting our marriage. The last straw was his refusal to the idea of a home health aide after she accidentally set a small fire and needed daytime supervision. Instead, he suggested I take FMLA (he’s already used his) or go part-time to stay home with her. I realized he wasn’t even trying to look out for his mom’s best interests, or mine.

I filed for divorce, and he immediately told our kids that it was because I hated Grandma and didn’t want to care for others. It hit on a painful point for me and the kids; I was the primary earner with long hours for all of their middle school years because their dad was unemployed. I never got to spend as much time with them as I wanted, and I know they resent that. So to them, it feels like more of the same. What can I do to make room for their pain but not get excommunicated?

—Miserable

Dear Miserable,

Your reasons for leaving the marriage are quite fair; your husband refused to do what was best for his mother (out of a field of options that not everyone has) and instead, chose a situation, without your input, that was untenable for you. Of course, that doesn’t stop your kids from being hurt over the divorce, but you aren’t responsible for their pain. Your children are young adults; they’re old enough to handle the truth about why you split from their father. Be honest with them.

Talk to them about what life was like with your MIL and their father’s refusal to get her the sort of help she needs. Acknowledge that the idea of you “refusing” to be around may be triggering because of their childhood experiences, but let them know you did everything within reason to make things work, until you simply couldn’t anymore. Be empathetic and let them know that you know the divorce hurts them; give them the space to express their grief while still standing up for yourself. It may take them some time to understand, but hopefully, they’ll come to respect the way you advocated for yourself.

—Jamilah