Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My daughters, ages 2 and 3, generally get along. They have similar interests, and both have a sense of humor. However when it comes to sharing, whether it’s me, a prized toy, or a spot at the sink to wash their hands, it often quickly turns into the 2-year-old hitting or pulling hair in an attempt to get her way. As you can imagine, this causes the 3-year-old to start screaming, then her sister starts screaming, then the 3-year-old starts crying, then they both are crying … you get the picture. The 3-year-old will hit back if I don’t get in there fast enough.

My question is: how do I intervene in a way that improves and supports their relationship? I always immediately pull the 2-year-old off of her sister and give the usual talk about how hands are not for hitting and we don’t hit people, and of course check to make sure everyone is ok. I keep seeing parenting advice about not intervening every time your kids fight because it doesn’t give them an opportunity to learn how to problem solve. However, what do you do when almost every fight involves someone getting hurt?

—Reluctant Referee

Dear Reluctant Ref,

You’re doing the right thing by intervening immediately when it comes to violence. Problem solving is one thing, but I’m not familiar with any parenting advice that suggests letting them slug it out. Personally, I stop behavior in kids if it would be considered illegal for adults to do. We’re not allowed to go around hitting people. They shouldn’t be either. That goes for verbal assault too! Of course, good luck explaining to a two-year-old that an adult would get arrested for doing what they’re doing. Still, it doesn’t hurt to mention it.

My layperson-armchair-psychology take is that the two year old is hitting because they are younger and don’t feel like they have a non-violent way to assert themselves. She’s probably smaller and not as good with words yet. Work with her on other ways to assert herself without resorting to fisticuffs. The moment you intervene, ask her if she can think of another way to get what she wants without hitting. See if you can get her to explain what her intentions were. For example, “I hit because I wanted to play with the slinky.” Also try to get her sister involved in the conversation.

Identify upcoming situations in which they’ll have to share as early as you can and prepare them for it. Before they even get to the sink, talk to them about how they’re going to use their words to determine who gets to use it first and how they’re going to tell the other one when they’re finished. When there’s something big they’ll both want, you can even practice ahead of time with each of them.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

For the last ten years my husband and I have hosted the rest of the family for Easter, as we have a large backyard that is perfect for Easter egg hunts. However, we are in our early 70s now and are beginning to tire of it.  At this point, my son and daughter have seven kids between them ranging in age from eight to eighteen months. It’s no longer as easy as when it was just them and their spouses and two or three kids along with my sister and her husband and son.

When I raised the topic with my daughter, she became angry. She accused me of “cancelling Easter at the last moment and ruining things for the kids” and said she and her brother were counting on us to make Easter happen for them like we always have because our backyard is the “best and safest” choice for the egg hunt. A conversation with my son went similarly sideways and I ended up caving and agreeing to host Easter this year.  Do my husband and I have an obligation to continue this tradition until our grandkids have outgrown it?

—Easter Grinch

Dear Grinch,

You do not have an obligation to keep hosting Easter. Your son and daughter overreacted to the idea of not having Easter at your house.

But, I think that you might stand to gain a lot by continuing to host—at least in some capacity. If possible, try to decelerate your involvement instead. Maybe this year you just do less. Let them use the yard, but have your son and daughter do all the work. They are young! Ask them to help prepare your house ahead of time and ask them to bring all the food and drinks. You can focus on your grandkids when they’re over, and then on cleaning up the house after they leave (or you can even ask your kids to hire a cleaner to do it for you).

Before you cancel altogether, be careful what you wish for. If you label yourself unable to host and generally exhausted, you might not see your grandkids as much as you’d like. And, while you might get tired from hosting a bunch of grandchildren, remember that they’ll be forming lasting memories of you. Don’t take that away from them just because their parents are being ungrateful or lazy. Put more of the burden on the parents.

My in-laws host Easter, too. They have a big yard with lots of great egg-hiding places. My kids are old enough now to find egg hunts a little dull and my in-laws are in their late 70s, but we still keep the tradition alive and invite friends with younger kids over too. These days my wife and I pitch in and try to do everything we can ahead of time, planning for a few weeks up to the day. We potluck it so that my in-laws don’t have to cook if they don’t want to. We help set up and help tear down. We know that it’s something the kids have done their entire lives and will remember fondly when they’re grown up.

From a broader perspective, your kids’ overreaction to Easter does not bode well for the future. You need to prepare them for the idea of taking care of you instead of the other way around. Talk to them seriously about how as you age you’ll be able to handle less and less, but that your aging doesn’t mean you don’t want to see them—just that you’ll need more help. Look at Easter as an opportunity to practice coming to a compromise that works for everyone.

—Greg