Can’t stick to a budget? Your attachment style could be the reason, financial therapist says: ‘Money is 90% emotion, 10% logic’

If you’ve ever blamed yourself for being “bad with money,” some financial therapists might disagree with you. The problem, they say, isn’t your self-control, your math skills or the lack of budgeting apps on your phone — it’s your emotions.

“Money is 90% emotion, 10% logic,” says certified financial therapist Khara Croswaite Brindle, owner of Croswaite Consulting in Lafayette, Colorado. “No matter how many books we read, how many podcasts we listen to, we are driven by these beliefs, thoughts and feelings about money.”

Strategies that rely on rules and spreadsheets can often fall flat because they don’t address your relationship with money, which like most relationships, is shaped by your attachment style, says Croswaite Brindle. 

The three main attachment styles — anxious, avoidant and secure — show up both in your relationships and your everyday financial behaviors, she says. If you struggle to stick to a budget or feel out of control whenever the market drops, understanding how your emotional blueprint plays into your approach to money could be key to changing how you handle your finances long-term.

Here’s what to know about how each attachment style affects your money.

What this sounds like: “I have to hold on to every dollar.” “I need to know where every cent is going at all times.”

If you check your bank account multiple times a day, panic when you can’t account for every dollar or feel uneasy about financial security — even with ample savings — you might have an anxious attachment to money. 

People with anxious attachment styles tend to relate to money the way they would to a person they’re afraid of losing, says Croswaite Brindle. This emotional clinginess to money often stems from a fear that it will disappear without warning and never come back, experts say.

And it doesn’t just create stress — it can come with real financial consequences.

People with anxious money attachment may be quick to pull their money out of the stock market during a temporary dip or underspend on things that would genuinely improve their lives — like therapy, vacations or professional development — because they can’t shake the feeling that money is a finite and dwindling resource.

“When anxious attachment comes up with money, it’s often this perpetual feeling of not having enough, not being enough or not feeling like things are going to be OK,” says Nate Astle, a certified financial therapist and founder of Financial Therapy Clinical Institute in Kansas City, Missouri.  

What to do about it: Croswaite Brindle recommends setting healthy boundaries with how often you check or engage with your finances. “Anxious attachment tends to lead to compulsive checking and vigilance,” she says.

Challenging yourself to check your bank account balance twice this week instead of three times a day would be a great place to start, she says. 

The long-term goal, Croswaite Brindle says, is to “rework what money feels like, somatically.” That means helping your nervous system feel safer in the presence of money. This might look like creating rituals around your money check-ins, such as playing soothing music or wearing comfy clothes. This way, you can help your brain associate money with safety — not stress.

What this sounds like: “I don’t even want to look at my bank account balance.” “I hate checking snail mail.”

If you ignore bills until they stack up, avoid budgeting because it stresses you out or leave the check sitting on the table after dinner, that could signal an avoidant money attachment style.

“For avoidant folks, money is just out of sight, out of mind,” says Croswaite Brindle. “It’s like an ostrich with its head in the sand.”

But ignoring money doesn’t make it disappear — and over time, this habit can result in late fees, unmanageable debt or missed opportunities to build wealth.

What looks like indifference is often a form of emotional self-protection, Astle says. “[Avoidants] don’t want to think about it,” he says.

What to do about it: Start small. “Just getting regular, healthy exposure to money is important,” Croswaite Brindle says. She recommends sitting down with a timer set for five minutes and logging into your bank account — even if all you do is look at your balance.

Another tool Croswaite Brindle recommends is body doubling, or reviewing your finances sitting next to someone you trust. That social presence can both ease emotional resistance and offer accountability.

The goal isn’t to become perfect overnight, she says. It’s to gently retrain your nervous system to tolerate money-related tasks so that things like debt, missed payments or avoiding your budget altogether doesn’t spiral out of control.

What this sounds like: “I know money comes and goes. I’ll be OK.”

If you’re able to check your bank account without stress, save without obsession and talk about money openly, you may have a secure attachment to money. 

“Secure attachment says, ‘I can get my needs met,’” says Astle. This kind of financial mindset involves trust — in yourself, in your systems, and most importantly, in your ability to adapt if or when your financial circumstances change. “It’s a blueprint of how you view the world and yourself,” he says.

When bumps in the road happen with your finances — an emergency expense or a stock market dip, for example — a person with a secure attachment style weathers the storm, says Croswaite Brindle. That person will breathe deeply, buckle down and not let it define their whole life, she says.

How to maintain it: Astle says that secure attachment doesn’t necessarily mean perfect personal finances — it means emotional clarity around them.

“The two biggest emotions I see around money are fear and shame,” he says. “And shame is the enemy of change because it keeps us stuck.”

The key to maintaining a secure attachment with money is to uncouple it from your worth and see it as a tool to achieve your goals, says Croswaite Brindle. This requires observing the emotional script you’ve inherited about money and rewriting it.

Astle agrees. “Money is something you have, but it’s not who you are,” he says.

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