Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

When I was a kid, my parents made us all do the same sports, activities and events. The choice was that, or do nothing at all. I hated it. I never got to do anything without my sisters, and we all ended up doing activities my older sister liked because she got there first. I still remember my art teacher awarding me a highly-competitive spot in our state’s gifted youth art program in high school, and my parents turning it down because it wasn’t going to be all of us in the program. My younger sister had complicated wisdom tooth problems, but my parents wouldn’t take her to a specialist because my older sister and I never needed one. A lot of my childhood was my parents assuming we were all identical and refusing to adjust to our different needs or interests. So I’m sympathetic to differences! I swore I’d never do this to my own kids.

But now, my middle-school-age son and daughter have totally different interests, and both complain that I never come to their events/games/performances. My husband works weekends and I work long hours on weekdays. I sign our kids up for every bus route or carpool or classmate way of getting to and from events. I come to maybe 25 percent of each of their events because that’s what works. (They don’t make similar complaints about my husband even though he almost never goes to events.) Is this unreasonable of me? It’s the trade-off to let them do separate things and maintain some sense of sanity. If I didn’t do this, I’m not sure how our household would run, or if I’d ever get to see my husband. I regularly tell them how proud I am of their progress, accomplishments and new skills. I follow up on how it’s going. But they still complain, and I am tempted to tell them that if they want to do the same activities, I could come to more! What is right here?

— Extracurricular Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

First of all, I have never heard in my forty-plus years of life of a kid being told they’re not going to get a treatment recommended by medical professionals if they can’t share it with their siblings, and I’m pretty sure I never would have imagined it on my own, so thanks. It’s good to come across something truly novel in this world.

As far as trying to funnel your already middle school-aged kids into the same activities, I think the horses have left the barn on that one—and I hope for your sake that equestrian isn’t one of the activities, although it would explain the long hours. Having to give up one of your “things” as a pre-teen in order to do your brother/sister’s thing instead seems to me like it would engender a lot more resentment than having your parents miss your events.

Anyway, it seems like there’s a pretty obvious solution here: Make your husband go. He’s got free time during the week! And “getting to see your spouse” is not something that gets priority once you decide to have kids, I don’t think. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes? Just think of how nice it’ll be to reconnect after school-musical season is over!

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I have two daughters, 5.5 and 3, who love pretending to be a baby. One of them will announce that they are “Baby Wawa” and then act babyish: wail, kick, “ask for milkie.” When they are playing it with each other, I don’t intervene. When it happens in the house, I respond neutrally and let it pass, or if they’re looking for cuddles as a baby, I reassure them that I will give them cuddles at the age they are now.  When they’re out of the house, I remind them that I need them to act like they can … walk, talk, express their needs, etc. I know acting younger than their age is probably doing something for them, but what’s age appropriate? I’m trying to be constructive but don’t want this to last longer than it needs to—both to avoid bad habits and fraying my nerves. Because I’ll be honest, it really gets on my nerves.

—Tired of Baby

Dear Tired,

I’m with you on this one: Toddlers and little kids doing pretend baby talk is annoying. Why? Maybe it’s because it’s not actually a good impression of a real baby making quasi-talking noises, which is cute. The fake stuff is a ploy for attention. It’s not funny. Plus, it’s a missed connection, your own children failing to recognize the kind of cuteness you actually want from them.

As to how to handle it, I have applied my trademark Not Overthinking It technique to the matter. (I also have a trademark Way Overthinking It technique, to be clear, and that one gets plenty of use as well.) If one of my kids has, essentially, a running bit that I don’t like, I just tell them that it’s not something I “do.” Don’t worry about being “constructive,” just be kind but firm about the fact that you’re not going to engage with the deeply bothersome baby voice. We get too little time with our kids—in the larger sense; in the short term, we get plenty of time with our kids—and to waste it pretending that we enjoy baby talk or, in my 8 year old son’s case, his new hyped-up macho alpha-bro character. Maybe there are other dads who would be into it! Not me. It’s because I want us to have our own little running bits that last for years, our own unique rapport, that I’m picky about what I encourage.

That said, I do try to live and let live if they’re playing with each other or with a friend, even if they’re in public and other people can see them. For that stuff, my rule is that as long as it’s not dangerous—and not making a game out of cruelty or pretending to fuss or be hurt—it’s none of my business. There’s no better feeling than letting whatever your kids are saying to each other become soothing white noise.

—Ben

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