There’s no one way to raise a family. According to the Institute for Family Studies, 60% of American children live with both married parents, leaving 40% to be raised in diverse caregiver scenarios. That includes blended families, grandparents, and single moms, to name a few.
A recently published study looked at how one type of family dynamic—homes without strong father involvement—may impact kids. It suggests that low-quality involvement can lead sons to invest less in romantic relationships.
The premise, arrived at by researchers Danielle J. DelPriore and Rebecca Reeder, posits that parental investment, especially from fathers, shapes their development.
So, what’s a single mom (or two moms, or a grandparent) raising kiddos to do when faced with an absent father? Experts break it down.
What the Study on Low-Quality Involvement Says
The data, gleaned from 486 heterosexual men aged 18-36, came via various self-reported data spanning paternal presence and quality of investment to maternal influence and relationship beliefs. They answered questions about their own willingness “to emotionally commit, spend time with partners, and prioritize relationships.”
The researchers found low-quality of paternal investment can influence sons’ relationship beliefs by making them invest minimally in their partners. They also tend to assume women require little commitment.
Kids Can Still Learn To Form Healthy Relationships
It’s not all doom and gloom because children can learn how to have healthy relationships from other people in their life, according to Claudia M. Gold, MD, a pediatrician and infant-parent mental health expert. That can start very early on.
“Babies learn how to be in the world via many, many, many different relationships—whether raised by a single parent or an entire community—and being in relationship with others [ultimately informs their future relationships],” says Dr. Gold, also the author of Getting to Know You: Lessons in Early Relational Health From Parents and Caregivers.
A grandparent, who is an experienced father, might hold the child in an authoritative way. And perhaps there is a fun-loving aunt who throws them in the air and makes raspberries on the child’s stomach. These positive figures also play a big role as the child grows. In other words, “there is no single relationship that sets one up for life,” says Dr. Gold.
Keep in mind, even “healthy relationships are messy and difficult,” says Dr. Gold, who underscores that all interactions—across the lifespan—can be filled with uncertainty. Sometimes, things will go wrong. “If you can repair, then the relationship and each individual in it grows,” says Dr. Gold. She also points out that perfection is not the goal in parenting.
While DelPriore and Reeder point to patterns of paternal investment as repeating across generations, Dr. Gold is not so sure that kiddos with absent fathers are forever at a disadvantage.
“Throughout our lives, there arise opportunities for repairing relationships that did not start out well,” she says. For example, fathers may not be present in a child’s life the way they want to due to their own life experience. “Fathers who grew up without their own fathers or who are struggling with substance use [might take a bit longer to come around],” adds Dr. Gold.
And even if they don’t, there are ways for moms or other caregivers to positively shape their child’s ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
How Moms Can Positively Influence a Child’s Relationships
While this particular study suggests fathers play a uniquely important role in transmitting relationship expectations and behaviors across generations, experts say moms can positively influence their sons’ future relationships.
That’s especially true when the father is either inconsistent or not present, says therapist Tammy Valicenti, LICSW, a trauma recovery specialist. She shares these tips with caregivers:
- Maintain a predictable routine. Routines help kids feel safe and in control. They can also build self-confidence.
- Be consistent and available when your kid needs it. “Maintain open and honest communication,” says Valicenti, adding that it supports emotional connection.
- Find positive adult role models for them. That can be a coach, uncle, grandfather, or anyone who you feel will positively influence your child.
- Abstain from any negative talk about the child’s father. This can harm a child’s well-being and cause stress.
- Show them through examples. “When available, provide role models of couples engaged in healthy attachment,” explains Valicenti.
Dr. Gold also says it’s important to let kids feel their emotions, especially when they are angry. “Letting kids know that it’s OK to have all sorts of feelings—and allowing space for moving through the darker moments to moments where kids feel seen, heard, and connected—is part of [the child’s development], and will become part of who they are,” says Dr. Gold.
Bottom line? While a child’s early caregiving relationships may transfer into adult relationships, the child can find security in other ways. “It’s the richness of the different types of caregivers and relationships in a child’s life that is most important,” says Dr. Gold.
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