Eldest child of 8 has a warning to parents: ‘Stop having so many kids’

A woman who is the eldest of eight siblings says having a big family can be irresponsible.

“Don’t become a parent if you don’t want to do parent-ing,” Madison, who goes by “Hertraline” on TikTok, tells TODAY.com, requesting that her last name be omitted to protect her privacy.

Madison of Oklahoma shared her “spicy” thoughts in a TikTok video with the caption “Stop having so many (expletive) kids.”

“I’m ready to say it,” Madison said in her video. “You cannot have half a dozen plus kids and be adequately meeting each one of those child’s needs — you cannot … I am the oldest of eight, OK? I have been there, and I know.”

In the video, Madison challenged two arguments that are in favor of large families:

“Number one, they like to say, ‘Love doesn’t divide, it multiplies,’” she said. “Love may divide, but time doesn’t. And children need time … the amount of time a child needs from a caregiver doesn’t reduce just because there are more children in the picture or because you love them just as much.”

Madison described her ideal set-up for large families.

“When you have two kids, you can give them each an hour of uninterrupted one-on-one time a day, and that would take you two hours a day. When you have eight kids … that would take up eight hours every single day.”

Growing up, Madison said in the video, “We got to have one-on-one time with our mother twice a year … because that’s all we could do.”

Another justification from some people who desire big families, says Madison: “‘Everybody’s different, it works for some people, some people really liked growing up in a large family.’”

As she explained in the video, “Some children from large families will tell you that they enjoyed it, but there is no large family out there where every child will tell you they enjoyed it — and that’s what should matter. It doesn’t matter if one or two kids out of eight had a great time, while the rest of them were suffering.”

As Madison concluded, “That’s just the truth, and I know a lot of y’all aren’t going to want to hear it, but then you are going to be the ones responsible for putting innocent children who don’t have a say into a situation that’s bad for them.”

TikTokers from families ranging in size responded to Madison’s video.

• “As the eldest of nine, no one in my family is suffering. It’s not a ‘bad situation’ we’re put into. You don’t need 1:1 time for an hour, daily. You can have amazing quality time with siblings AND parents.”
• “What about kids who are miserable in small families? Lots of these families homeschool and have a stay-at-home parent that IS spending 45+ minutes, one-on-one per child. I think this is more nuanced.”
• “Once the kids outnumber the parents, it’s too many.”
• “I’m an only child and never got hugged.”
• “Nothing to do with numbers. Some parents aren’t emotionally available and shouldn’t have been parents.”
• “The only well-adjusted adults I’ve met from large families always say, ‘I loved it!’ and then … talk about their sister who is in the psych ward and their brother with drug problems.”
• “I’m the oldest of six. Four is honestly pushing it.”
• “I have nine siblings. Fourth born. My needs were NEVER met, besides being fed. It was awful.”
• “The hard number is three. Anything beyond that is selfish and irresponsible.”
• “The ones who enjoyed it are typically one of the younger ones who get their parenting needs met by one of the older siblings and don’t understand that their experience came at the expense of others.”
• The ‘parentification’ of the eldest children, as well. I see TOO MANY families like this that make their oldest children a pseudo parent.”

According to a 2023 Gallup poll, 45% of people preferred the idea of a larger family, compared to 47% who liked the notion of a smaller brood. Most people said having two children is ideal (44%), followed by votes for three children (29%) and four children (12%).

Madison tells TODAY.com that her family was in the “Quiverfull” Christian movement which idealizes large families.

Madison recalls taking on adult responsibilities in elementary school.

“My mother had very difficult pregnancies and with children number four and five, she was hospitalized for a month each time,” says Madison. “I potty trained number four when my mom was in the hospital with number five — I was nine years old!”

Madison responds to discord in her comments section:

“People are arguing over what is a ‘need,’ saying, ‘Well did you have a roof over your head?’” says Madison, adding that children have emotional needs that go beyond food and shelter. “Also, that it’s ‘ridiculous’ to spend one hour a day with your child — even if you have one.”

Quality time is spent differently in each family, says Madison.

“I don’t mean you have to turn off life … and stare at your baby!” she says, explaining that everyday activities can count as quality time.

Madison, who turns 30 this week, does not have children yet, but she entertains the idea of two, max. For the moment, Madison wants the conversation about family sizes to prioritize children’s experiences over that of the parent.

“Something I learned recently is that one childhood developmental need is to feel like your caregiver delights in you,” says Madison. In big families, says Madison, parenting can become “perfunctory at best.”