One of the biggest and life-altering decisions to make as an adult is whether or not to have children. It not only impacts our social and personal life, but finances, careers and health, too.
When mulling over whether to join the record-breaking number of child-free couples in the UK or have kids, there’s many factors to consider. According to The Times, the average cost of raising a child from birth until they’re 18 in the UK is £223,256. Meanwhile, a quarter of a million mothers have left work as they struggled to balance work with childcare – and the associated rising costs. “Surviving, not thriving,” is how many working parents on social media describe their state of being.
So, is it worth it? Keltie Maguire Clarity Coach at Kids or Childfree says you need to put the work in to come to the right conclusion for you.
“If you’ve been feeling unsure and waiting for this kind of inherent “knowing” to magically arrive, recognise that confidence in a decision is likely something you’ll need to cultivate by doing the work to get clear on a choice,” she says. “Know that mixed emotions are a part of life and will come with any decision — kids or childfree — and that it doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice.”
Whether it’s journalling through your thoughts, starting therapy or reading stories of child-free lives, there’s ways to work through this uncertainty to find clarity about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like.
Questions to help you decide whether to have children
What kind of life am I building?
One of the best places to start is to think about the future, how would you like your life to look in five, 15 or 25 years? “What’s ultimately important to you? What kinds of experiences do you want to have, and how would you like to spend your time?” Maguire asks.
“There are many questions you can reflect on to help define what your version of a meaningful and well-lived life looks like. The most important thing to remember, is this should be what you desire and value, rather than what has been dictated by friends, family, or society.”
Is having kids a life experience I want?
“It’s easy to get stuck in shoulds or to approach having kids from a very intellectual standpoint, for example, by making pros and cons lists to aid your decision. But at the end of the day, it’s important to ask if raising children is an experience you want,” Maguire continues.
“If you’re having trouble separating what you want from other pressures you might be facing (like a partner who wants kids or a parent who keeps asking for grandkids), try asking yourself what you would choose if no one else’s opinion mattered.”
Maguire has the following suggestion: “Thinking about parenthood as a kind of job or vocation might also help you to more easily recognise whether or not it’s something you’re well-suited for and interested in.”
Why do you want children?
Try to unpack what your desire to have a child reflects for you on a personal level. “Is it because you want to watch a human learn and grow? Is it because you don’t want to miss out on the potential fulfillment you’ve been told having kids will bring? Do you want children because all of your friends are having them?” Maguire adds.
“Be honest about your drivers, and know that while there’s not necessarily a right or wrong reason for wanting kids, it is important you’re clear on your reasons to make sure they feel good to you.”
What’s preventing me from making a clear and confident decision?
It’s perfectly normal to have hesitations or reservations about having children, as it’s a huge responsibility, but Maguire suggests to reframe this anxieties as areas to address and examine to discover if this is an obstacle you can overcome.
“If you’re worried about the finances necessary to have kids, sit down and look at the actual numbers and how and if it’s something you could make work; if you’re concerned about how kids will impact your relationship, talk about this with your partner or consider speaking with a couples therapist to help you sort through any current issues or ones that you foresee in the future,” Maguire says.
Am I in the right place to have children right now?
If you decide that you do want to have children, it’s important to also consider when would be the best time for this to happen. Are you in the right place physically, mentally and emotionally for this responsibility?
“Just because you want to have children, doesn’t mean you should necessarily jump right into having them (never mind the fact that, for a host of reasons it might not happen),” Maguire continues. “It’s important to also discern whether you are well-equipped to raise kids — physically, mentally, and emotionally — both for your personal well-being, and that of any future children.”
What would parenting look like with your partner?
Maguire has noticed in her practice that an area that’s often under-discussed is how much the person you decide to embark on this journey with “has the ability to make or break the experience of having and raising children.”
“People say that you can always leave an unhappy relationship, but that you can’t un-have kids, yet if you have kids with the wrong person, you’re tied to them for life — or at least until your child is 18,” Maguire says.
“I have a lot of women tell me that their partner says things like, “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll support you” or, “I’ll change when we have kids,” but if your partner’s actions fall short in your relationship today, there’s nothing to suggest things will be different when kids arrive.”
How would it feel to live a child-free life?
If you’ve not considered the possibility before of not having children, perhaps it’s time to start. How would that life look? Immerse yourself in stories of people who are child-free by choice and view that as a choice in itself.
“Despite what society and culture might tell us, a childfree choice is a very valid life path that can be both meaningful and fulfilling,” Maguire says. “Rather than looking solely at whether or not you feel ready to or want to have children, be sure to consider the childfree path as an option in its own right, and the possibilities that exist if you choose not to have kids.”
“Getting confident in the childfree choice is something that takes time, and may require you to navigate a sense of loss, grief, or sadness that, for many, accompanies choosing the less-chosen path and the life we could have lived.”
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