One day soon, you’ll cross the threshold into life as an ignoramus and children everywhere will regularly laugh at your expense. By the time kids are in middle school, you’re a nobody.
This will mean a long and tedious future of mockery and impudence because you’re old news and out of touch. Quietly accept this. It’s your destiny as a parent and any reputable psychic or life coach would agree.
In other words, retro – like ‘70s rock and high-waisted jeans – is in and we are out. Parents should probably protest in the streets because this issue is obviously very important. Such a high-spirited pursuit as this one will, of course, lead to a mass eye-rolling of children who will then act like we’re not there.
“You’re a has-been,” my daughter reminds me, in case I’ve forgotten my place. When she was 3, she pointed this out (with her eyes), while playing with her trains. “And that book with all the dinosaurs you read to me earlier: I heard it at school months ago.”
My son, yesterday: “Mom, you don’t know anything about almost everything and also, you should take a class to learn how to properly use phones and laptops.”
Some kids might say you’re cool, but don’t trust them. It’s because they want something, like money to buy anything retro. Afterwards, they’ll make fun of you behind your back, especially if you succumb to their lies.
It’s better to avoid conversation with any child by the time they are around 10, because you haven’t met your milestone in language acquisition skills (and never will). In fact, if you say something is “on fire,” you will destroy any shred of respect you once had (lose the word “on”).
Do you really know if people still “stan” or whether “the goat” is still the greatest? Was your kid who skateboarded across the house and then decided to skateboard into the bathtub and break a leg, being “extra?” Tell the truth: you don’t honestly know any of these things. This is because you’re not “fire, dope or boss.”
Professional linguists and even AI can’t keep current. I’m not saying that you can’t learn to talk properly with your children, but it probably won’t happen and you’ll get a headache from trying.
In any case, I hate to spill the “tea” (gossip) or spread some “shade” (make people look bad), but the truth is, even if kids think you’re hip and in the know, they will not admit it, so you can’t win.
Meanwhile, I overheard my kid on the phone the other day and he told his friend that I was “sick” (cool). I had the flu, but I told myself that he was giving me a compliment.
Pam J. Hecht is a writer, instructor and mother of two (but not necessarily in that order). Reach her at [email protected] or pamjhecht.com.
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