‘My Parents Got Divorced When I Was An Adult. Why Do I Feel So Weird Now That They’ve Moved On?’

My parents told me they were getting divorced when my two siblings and I wer in our late teen years. I was upset, but I can’t really say I was too surprised—they never seemed that in love or affectionate when I was growing up. After they separated, my dad moved on immediately, while my mom waited about a year to start dating. Still, both of them insisted they’d never get married again.

Fast forward six years: My mom remarried in 2023, and my dad recently proposed to his girlfriend. While I want them both to be happy in their new relationships, I’m having a hard time accepting what feels like the real end of our family. Even though I’m an adult, I’m still a child of divorce, and those conflicting identities make me feel like my grief is somehow invalid.

But divorce can be just as painful for adult children of divorce (ACODs) as minor children, despite what society thinks. “There’s a myth in our culture that since they’re adults and at various stages of adult life, their parents’ divorce should not affect them,” says Carol Hughes, PhD, LMFT, a psychotherapist and co-author of Home Will Never Be the Same Again.

So, it’s no surprise that there’s decades of research about how divorce affects minor children, but almost no research on how it affects adult children, even as “gray divorce” is on the rise. In 1990, 8.7 percent of divorces in the United States occurred among adults 50 and older, but by 2019, it was 36 percent, according to the American Psychological Association.

These so-called “gray divorces” are becoming more common because people now live longer and attitudes toward divorce have evolved. “Many people rank their happiness higher than honoring those traditional expectations of ‘till death do us part,’” says Hughes. “They may have tolerated each other when the children were still at home, but can’t imagine staying with a person they’ve been married to for 20, 30, 40 years.”

With an empty nest, divorcing parents may feel like they have a new lease on life, while their children grapple with the end of the only one they’ve ever known. But just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean your parents’ divorce won’t turn your world upside down. It will—just in a different way than it would as a minor child.

In fact, having parents divorce when you’re an adult often adds more pressure than it would if you were a child because you feel like you have to do more for them, says Elizabeth Thayer, PhD, a licensed psychologist trained in mediation and collaborative divorce and the author of Adult Children of Divorce. For example, you may think you need to take care of them financially and/or physically, or mediate family gatherings to avoid conflict. And that’s on top of having a job and, perhaps, a family of your own. It’s stressful for ACODs to take on so much emotional labor, especially when they’re treated like they don’t matter in our culture, Hughes says.

We do—and while we can’t control our parents’ choices, we can control how we respond to them. Ahead, experts explain the oft-overlooked impact divorce has on adult children and share strategies to help you navigate your new normal:

Being an adult allows you to process your parents’ divorce in a more mindful way.

No matter your age, you might feel guilt, anger, responsibility, and abandonment. And, depending on the circumstances surrounding the divorce, you may feel like you need to side with one parent over the other, says Thayer.

The difference, though, is how you process these feelings—and how they can manifest. Adult children of divorce know they’re experiencing these emotions and can articulate them, while a younger child might not know, and instead, have a tantrum or lash out at school.

Because your parents have been together for a majority of your life, it’s easy to fixate on what you think might—and might not—ever happen again in the future.

It’s common for all children of divorce to fixate on the “nevers,” Hughes says. They might have thoughts like: I’ll never see my parents in the same room again or We’ll never have a “normal” family celebration again.

However, for ACODs, divorce can feel like even more of a loss “because they’ve had more life experience with this family,” Hughes says. Those years of hopes and expectations about what their family will look like will carry more weight than if the loss occurred when they were minor children. “The dream the adult children may have had about what their life will be like when they’re grown up” may never come true, Hughes says.

Still, it’s worth noting that divorce has a destabilizing effect on both adult and minor children because you lose your “home base” either way. Younger kids still have the majority of their lives orchestrated by their parents, meaning they often have to go back-and-forth between houses, adult children also no longer have one distinct home base to celebrate the holidays, for instance, Freeze says.

Your mental health and future relationships will likely be affected.

Adult children of divorce typically don’t suffer as much as minors when it comes to their mental health, but anxiety and depression are nonetheless pretty common for ACODs, “especially if their parents are coming to them with a lot of their burdens,” says Brittany Freeze, PhD, a research development specialist at Brigham Young University with expertise in late-life divorce and adult children of divorce.

This can impact not only an ACOD’s mental health, but how they view relationships, too. Watching their parents’ decades-long relationship unravel shakes up how ACODs “think about having long-term relationships themselves,” says Thayer. “You can question your own capacity to commit to a relationship.”

Many adult children are already married by the time their parents divorce, but those who are unmarried aren’t necessarily deterred by the idea of marriage, Freeze says. However, they do generally suffer in relationships more. They may even have a higher chance of getting divorced later on in life because chances are, they haven’t seen what a healthy marriage or conflict-resolution looks like for a majority of their life, Freeze’s research found. For example, their parents may have shared the same home, but occupied separate bedrooms, or they may have felt an overall tension in the home that created an unpleasant living environment.

Dealing with your parents’ divorce is difficult, regardless of your age. But setting clear boundaries—and sticking to them—can help you all heal.

But first: Seek out therapy or a support group, especially if you feel like your parents’ divorce is interfering with your everyday life. Maybe your parents call you nonstop for advice, you start thinking you’re not “relationship material,” or your mental health or sleep are negatively impacted, for instance.

In therapy or a support group, you’ll be able to validate your experiences and feelings, which is “a big part of healing,” Hughes says. At the same time, you can learn skills to become conscious of your emotions so you can name them, then state them to your parents. On the flip side, you can also work on listening—after all, it’s hard “to listen in high emotional situations” without refuting what the other person is saying, she adds.

Pro Tip: It’s beneficial for the parent to join therapy sessions, but you should try individual sessions first, and your therapist will let you know if they think your parent should come. In a parent-child session, you can both think through and articulate your feelings and then, reach a common understanding of why you each feel a certain way, Thayer says.

All of these tools will enable you to set and maintain clear and strong boundaries with your parents on important topics regarding their divorce, such as:

Information Sharing

Minor children are often shielded from the details of their parents’ divorce. But when a parent is talking to their adult child, they might accidentally divulge too much information and even lean on the child for support—a concept called “role reversal,” Freeze says. Sometimes, they might even forget they’re the parent and just view you as another adult. This can cause the ACOD’s family relationships to suffer because it may encourage a child to side with one parent and, consequently, divide the family, Freeze adds.

Before talking to your parents about how you’re feeling, also think about the information you need about the divorce in order to understand and process it (maybe the main details of what went wrong in their relationship). At the same time, be careful of what information you don’t want to know (like the nitty-gritty of the finances), Freeze says. You can literally say to your parents: I need ABC information, and I don’t want to know XYZ information because it will help maintain my parent-child relationship with both of you.

Caretaking

With a gray divorce, there’s a chance your parents will be single in their older years, which might make you feel responsible for them. Maybe you live nearby and you’re willing—and excited—about hanging out with them on the weekends if they don’t have plans, or taking care of them as they age. But you also might live far away, have a family of your own, and don’t have the capacity for frequent phone calls or visits. Either way, you’ll want to have a conversation about what you can and can’t do to help them (a.k.a. set boundaries) before any problems arise, Thayer says.

If you’re worried about them living alone post-divorce due to mobility or other well-being concerns, encourage them to talk to their doctor about their health. If you live nearby and have the time to spare, you might even offer to accompany them to their appointment or meet them afterwards for lunch. If you live across the country, it’s physically impossible for you to take care of your parent(s) all the time, so a happy medium may be helping them find an in-home caretaker. Plus, if you have siblings or other close family members, you can decide on the care plan together.

Ultimately, “you have to take ownership for your life and for your decisions,” and your parents are in charge of theirs, Freeze says. All you can do is create a plan and ask for their support.

Mediation

It’s not your (or your siblings’) job to make sure your parents are getting along—or that they’re on separate sides of the room at all times—during your family holidays and celebrations. It’s your parents’ job. The better they manage their divorce, the less responsibility falls on their children to maintain familial relationships. If they communicate well with each other, don’t make their children feel like they need to pick a side, and have a shared goal to coexist peacefully, there’s much less stress on the kids to manage any conflicts that might come up later on, Thayer says.

Still, if you’re worried that attending the same event might be an issue, talk to your parent(s) ahead of the gathering. Hughes recommends saying something like, I love you and I want you to come to Thanksgiving. However, if you are not able to be amicable, I ask you not to attend. Maybe down the road after more time has passed, we can all celebrate together.

Best case scenario: “The divorce ends the marriage, but not the family,” Thayer says. “The family is reconfigured, but can come together for ‘family’ moments.”

Meeting Their New Partner (Or Not)

A weird realization for ACODs: You might be single at the same time as your parents, meaning you’re in the same dating pool as them (kinda). Consequently, they may start talking to you about their dating experiences without asking you if that’s okay first. And if that makes you uncomfortable, there’s another boundary to set.

Figure out what you do and don’t want to know about your parents’ dating life—maybe you’re fine with knowing that they’re going on dates, but you’re not ready to hear any specifics about who they’re dating or meet any potential S.O.s yet. Then, have a convo about where your limits lie, Freeze says.

While minor children don’t need to (and likely shouldn’t) be introduced to their parents’ new S.O.s until they’re in a serious relationship, as an ACOD, you can call the shots and decide if/when you want to meet their new partner, Thayer says. Here’s how:

If You’re Not Interested In Being Around Their S.O.

Just so you know, “you’re not obliged to have a relationship with this person, certainly in the beginning, because it may not be a long-term relationship,” Hughes says. If you don’t want to have a relationship with your parent’s new S.O., make that clear to your parent—while being mindful of their feelings. You might say: I’m happy that you’re happy in your new relationship, but I can’t be involved with this new person yet. It’s too painful for me. But I’ll let you know if I ever become more comfortable and interested in being in their life. Hopefully, your parent will understand that you’re still grieving their marriage, even if they aren’t. Having these hard conversations and setting firm boundaries “will help [you] to heal and recover from this change in [your] life,” Freeze says.

Of course, “your parents have a right to go on with their own life,” Thayer says, and they might bring their new partner to a family gathering, for instance. In this case, it’s up to you whether you still want to attend those celebrations.

If You Want To Form A Relationship With Their S.O.

Tread slowly and carefully so everyone is comfortable with the pace and progression of this burgeoning bond. Maybe the new partner comes over to your parent’s house for coffee—that’s a relaxed, low-pressure environment to have an introductory conversation with them.

If you have your own children—your parent’s grandchildren—it’s up to you as to how you want them to interact with your parents’ new partners. But generally speaking, it’s also best to go slow in this scenario because you might risk the chance of your child becoming close with your parent’s new S.O., just for them to break up. This could mean your child experiences another loss, says Thayer.

At the end of the day, the name of the game when meeting your parents’ new partners is recognizing your needs, then expressing them before conflict arises. Regardless of which route you choose, make sure you both understand the other’s desires. Your parents’ relationship status may change, but “ensuring you’re both on the same page” will enhance your relationship with them, Freeze says.

No matter how old you are, any hard feelings you have about your parents divorcing are completely valid and normal. From one ACOD to another: Your parents likely made this decision because they thought it was the right choice both for themselves and the family. When you see your parents happy as individuals, it’ll hopefully help you become happier as well, making the whole process worth it.