Donor-conceived woman has an important message for moms of kids like her

A woman has spoken out about the importance of being open and honest with children who were unconventionally conceived.

“It’s not a flex that your child doesn’t know the word donor,” said Freya, 30, a lesbian mom-of-two, who used a sperm donor to conceive. According to The Williams Institute, 2.57 million LGBTQ adults were parenting children in 2024.

Freya, from London, spoke to Newsweek about her “unpopular” stance on being transparent with children of the LGBTQ community.

“I’ve always known I was donor-conceived, so I had no moment of finding out,” she said, adding that this is the way she believes it should be.

On March 6, she shared her thoughts on the matter on TikTok (@thequeermama) after seeing a post from another parent, who “proudly” said her child doesn’t know what a donor is—despite being conceived by one.

“I have a problem with this,” she said in the video. “I don’t believe it’s a brag to consciously withhold a vital part of your child’s genetic makeup from them and be proud of the fact that they’ve not asked.”

Freya disagrees with the phrase, “when they’re old enough to ask, they are old enough to be told,” as she feels it does a disservice to kids and parenting.

“If a child doesn’t have the language to ask a question, then how can they ask?” she said. Freya argues that it is a parent’s job to make them aware of basic biology, just like her 4-year-old, who knows that sperm and an egg are required to have a child.

Freya says that being proud of the fact that a child doesn’t know about their biological parent suggests that if they had asked, the parent would be “disappointed,” in Freya’s eyes.

Freya states that some argue the family dynamic is “too confusing,” but she insists that LGBT families are not.

“Being donor-conceived and having my own donor-conceived children, I have never come across a story in the donor conception community where a person has been happy that they found out later, and I don’t think LGBT parents are an exception,” she said.

She told Newsweek about the risks involved in waiting until a child is a teenager or an adult. They include:

• “They can’t keep themselves safe from incest if they don’t know they have half-siblings out there.
• “If they are figuring out their own identity and don’t know where they fit into their genetic background and ancestry, it can affect how secure they feel.”

Four years ago, Freya was curious about her anonymous donor, and with support from her mom and by “pure chance,” she was able to find the donor through ancestry genealogy kit.

She told Newsweek: “We have a lovely relationship—my mom has met him, we’ve met up several times, and we talk on the phone regularly.”

In the video, she states that if her mom hadn’t been supportive, she most likely would have done this in secret, and as a parent, she hopes her children never hide things from her.

TikTok Reacts

So far, the post has garnered 30,000 views and a mixture of comments.

“Basically, these parents project onto their kids with ‘confusing’ and ‘they don’t ask,’ like the issue and responsibility lie with the child, which is ridiculous,” said one user.

Another agreed: “I’m with you. Children are so open-minded… surely discussing these things from the get-go is the best way to avoid confusion and difficulty in processing the info as they get older?”

“My girl knows she’s donor-conceived. She’s been telling everyone since she was 3. She’s 5 now, and we talk about it a lot. I’m proud that she knows, but I’m excited to explain it more as she grows!” said a third commenter.

But not everyone feels the same. A fourth user said: “I don’t know how to feel about this. My daughter & her wife are planning on a donor baby. I never met my father & never wished to. Why would a child need to know about the donor?” said one user, and Freya responded: “Because that donor has given the child half of their genetic makeup. Because knowing where we come from is a human curiosity and need.”

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.