My Teen Just Blew Up at Me Over His “Right to Privacy.” Excuse Me?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.

I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.

The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?

—Getting Him Back on the Right Track

Dear Right Track,

Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.

When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I just married the love of my life. I have two daughters from my previous marriage, which I left behind in another country to move overseas with my new wife. I wish I could live close to my daughters again. My new wife has told me that she will help me to be closer to my kids, but I have some concerns. She doesn’t seem to be a great mom even to her own two kids, and I don’t think that bodes well for being a stepmom for my girls. She is very selfish, becomes aggressive when she doesn’t get her way, and doesn’t even take her own kids to the doctor. I cook, clean, and drive for them. How can I make her a better mom and stepmom for her and my kids?

—Frustrated Former Fiancée

Dear Frustrated,

You say your wife is selfish, but did you not move overseas for a woman and leave your children behind? I would call that incredibly selfish. It’s good that you want to move back closer, but there’s no guaranteed way of “making” your wife a better mom and stepmom. Furthermore, you knew what kind of parent she was before you married her; it’s unreasonable for you to expect that you can suddenly transform her into a different person.

That said, it’s possible that your wife may step things up if you express your concerns to her. Point out the fact that you do everything for her kids (which is really something considering that you left your own kids for this), and ask her for more help with them. Let her know that you are serious about moving closer to your children and that you expect her to be an active, engaged stepmom and mother. If couples therapy is an option, you should try having a mediator as your explain your issues with her parenting. Give her a month or so to turn things around; if she doesn’t, I’d strongly consider reevaluating this relationship and going back to your kids alone.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law is a really lovely person, in the slightly gruff, stoic, ultra-kind kind of way that you might expect from someone born and bred in Manchester. She also really hates having a fuss made of her.

The thing is, we (my partner and two kids) have been staying with her for five weeks, with three more to go, while builders are doing major things to my house, and she’s been really generous about sharing her space and being involved with the kids. I’m trying to think of a thank you gift or gesture that we could make that wouldn’t also make her feel uncomfortable. She likes gardening, but I don’t want to get her a plant because she’s got her own ideas about what goes where, and a gift card feels cold. She also doesn’t drink, and is in a decluttering phase after her husband died. So far, my best guess is a gift box of different jams because I know she likes sweets. Do you have any other ideas?

—I Actually Really Like My MIL

Dear Really Like,

Gift cards may not be the most exciting gift to give, but they really are one of the best presents to receive. A gift card from the store where she generally buys her garden supplies would likely be received very warmly; practical gift cards, like for groceries or gas, are also generally appreciated. Is she the type of person to enjoy a spa, and to actually go to one if you get her a certificate? If so, consider getting her a massage and/or a facial. There are also many other ways you can show your gratitude while you’re in her home: do her laundry, stock the refrigerator, take her car to get washed, clean the gutters, cook meals, etc. Anything you can do to make her life easier will be a token of your appreciation.

—Jamilah