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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am seven months through a divorce process (my state requires separation for a year) where we have 50/50 custody. However, my soon-to-be-ex went out to another state a month ago to help his father through an illness, and once his father passed, he stayed on to remodel the house his father lived in to rent it. He has no idea when he’ll be back. My 8-year-old daughter is taking this very badly. She didn’t like the divorce to begin with, but even on our off weeks, we each saw her every few days. She also thrives on certainty—she wants to know what time it is and how long things take, and hearing “I don’t know when I’ll be back, maybe next week” over and over makes her angry, and that’s becoming a big problem.

Now, she’s taking that anger out on me. She has become exceedingly rude, is starting to actively flout house rules (going as far as throwing garbage on the floor instead of in the trash) and yells at me all the time. She’s in counseling and her therapist said to be firm about her tone but understanding about her anger. She’s not getting any better, no matter how many talks I have with her, how much screen time she loses, or any other consequence I can impart. She even starts her rudeness by saying, “I don’t care what you take away from me.” I’m about to lose my mind. And I’m beyond furious that my soon-to-be-ex was able to just take off with no return date and just assume I’d take on full-time parenting for the duration. What do I do?

—I Didn’t Sign on for Solo Parenting

Dear Solo Parenting,

Though it may be futile, make sure your ex knows just how much you are struggling and ask if there is any way for him to come back and relieve you of parenting duty more frequently. As far as your daughter goes, there’s no fix for this; this is a phase that you’re going to have to navigate. The best you can do is to be patient with her and with yourself as she works through these big emotions. Acknowledge what she’s going through and how hard it is on her. Let her know that you are struggling yourself. Encourage her to vent her frustrations to both you and her father; you shouldn’t be the only one to bear that load.

When your daughter acts up, point out the real reason for her misbehavior and offer her the chance to talk about it. If there are any other kids in your circles or family who have navigated a divorce, encourage her to talk with them about it. Follow your therapist’s advice and continue to be firm, no matter how flustered you may get. If you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom to calm down during one of your encounters, then do it.

Do everything you can to care for yourself during this difficult time. Prepare only meals that you enjoy. Binge a good show when your daughter goes to bed. Read during your lunch break. Take every available opportunity to prioritize your pleasure and peace of mind. Find a friend or family member that you speak to openly about your challenges. If you’re able to obtain therapy for yourself, do so.

—Jamilah

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