Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Recently, my friends were talking about discipling kids. During that conversation, I mentioned that when I was younger, my father would discipline my siblings and me by hitting us. One of my friends decided that she was angry and traumatized on my behalf, and she says she won’t let it go unless confront my father the way she wants me to. In fact, my siblings and I have already had this conversation with my father and quite frankly, we were demons, and spanking was one of the only ways we learned consequences. We did insane things: I remember once we thought it was a good idea to jump on a glass coffee table, even though we had done that once before and my brother fell through it and cut up his legs.

I have a good relationship with my father, as do my siblings, and now we actually talk about things. Our dad apologized and said he thought he was too scary at times and we accepted and acknowledged there were times we willfully tried to get a rise out of him.
How do I get my friend to drop this? Her childhood may have been painful for her, but I have made peace with mine. I have given her several chances to back off; do I owe it one more conversation or should I cut her off? Usually we are great, supportive friends.

—Over the Past

Dear Over the Past,

I can’t tell how direct you were with your friend about needing her to back off about this, so perhaps one more conversation is warranted. It sounds to me like you’ve settled things properly with your father, so it’s very strange (and meddlesome!) that your friend can’t seem to let this go, or that she insists you can only address it in a way that is “correct” to her.

Tell your friend that while you appreciate her concern, you’re satisfied with the way you’ve addressed your childhood with your father and with the state of your current relationship with him. Explain that if she continues to express judgment about this, you are going to consider that as grounds for pausing this friendship, because you’re not comfortable carrying on a friendship where someone feels entitled to tell you how to conduct matters with your own parents. Depending on how close you are, you might express concern for how she seems to be grappling with her own childhood, and that perhaps she’s equating her situation with yours. A kind and genuine “Hey, what’s really going on here for you?” often works wonders.

Dear Prudence,

I have a problem! I have been best friends with this girl for almost four years, and we are really close. We are both really talkative and bubbly and can really relate to each other. But for a while, this friend (let’s call her “Ellie”) has been talking so much that I don’t get to tell her about my life. And when she hears things about me from other girls, she’s really surprised and all like, “What? You never told me that?” And when I want to tell her something, she interrupts. Everyone tells me, “Just tell that you aren’t getting talking time.” But when I do she replies back with, “Well, not as much as you interrupt me.” I’ve gotten so used to it that even when she’s not talking, I’m still quiet. I need help!

—Quiet in Colorado

Dear Quiet,

So, you say that you’re best friends with Ellie, but when you communicate your needs in the friendship to her, Ellie gets defensive and minimizes those needs. That’s not really best friend behavior, in my book. I think you can give her another chance by explaining your frustrations and reiterating your needs—that you also get asked questions, that you don’t get interrupted, that you get equal airtime in the friendship, too—and put it into a text message or email (so that you don’t get interrupted!). Tell her that part of the reason for your interruptions comes from feeling like you have no other choice in order to be heard in a conversation.

Keep your tone non-accusatory, or she’ll just get defensive again. I would close with something like, “We’ve been friends for a long time, and I deeply value our connection. I want to be able to share the details of my life with you because you’re so important to me, so I really want to figure out how we can make this friendship one where we both feel valued and celebrated.” If Ellie still takes it personally that you’re articulating your needs aloud, it may be time to move on and find a best friend who’s more willing to actually reciprocate.

Dear Prudence,

My partner “Mark” and I are both essentially unemployed right now. We own a formerly successful business in a nice creative field and seem to be part of a bubble bursting. For the last five years in January (including 2021), I’ve had hundreds of leads that turn into dozens of sales calls that become 30-40 bookings for the year. This January we had five leads and zero calls, despite continuing to market and employ best practices. I don’t fully understand what’s going on here, but it’s clear we need to find outside employment.

Last year was a rough year too, and we only have about four months of savings, which I’m scared won’t be enough. We have access to credit and home equity we can tap if things get really scary, but no other safety net. Every single person in our families lives paycheck to paycheck and has no assets besides their homes. When we run out of money, we’re out of money, and we do live in a HCOL area.

The problem is that Mark and I cannot get on the same page about how much of an emergency this is. We’ve both been broke before and worked it out, but there’s a difference between having to scrape together $800 for rent when we were 25, and now looking at a minimum monthly budget of $3-4k just to keep things current.

I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs in multiple fields, and have been tapping my personal and professional networks for opportunities. I kept us from dipping into our emergency fund by doing gig work last year. Mark just can’t seem to make it work—he really isn’t truly qualified for a whole lot, but still isn’t maximizing the applications he’s putting out there. He hasn’t talked to his friends about opportunities and he abandoned a certificate course he started. He only works about five hours a day, often working on projects that don’t get finished or ultimately don’t make money. He’ll spend hours and hours working on a new page for our site, and even when it’s finished, it just isn’t that important to the big picture.

I get that he’s grieving our creative and fulfilling career, but I have been asking him for two years (including in therapy) to change his relationship to work and just try harder. To work more hours in the day, to be more ambitious, and to cross-train on different skills. I considered divorce at one point, but we truly can’t afford it. I love Mark very much, but I feel extremely burdened by being financially tied to a person who can’t provide for themselves. It worked for a long time when I could run a successful company with his help, but now we both need to pull out ALL the stops to make sure we have enough income, and he just can’t do it.

There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make him change, I’m already working as much as I possibly can, and we can’t get divorced, so I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have any.

—Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I don’t love making comparisons to martial law considering the state of our national politics, but I do think this stage of your relationship (and your shared economic well-being) calls for an emergency measure where there’s a temporary power imbalance. Normally, couples should approach this kind of crisis as a decision-making unit, but for whatever reason—and I wouldn’t rule out depression here—Mark is not able to be a full teammate right now. So sit Mark down and tell him that, barring any measurable changes in his job hunt or income, you are going to be making the big financial decisions for the two of you. This may include downsizing your living space, moving out of an HCOL area, getting a roommate, or selling some assets.

You both need to come to an agreement that shifts some expectations around. If the expectation is that you are covering most/all of the shared costs, there are going to be new expectations for Mark regarding his share of the duties at home (grocery-shopping, cooking, cleaning, managing the Facebook Marketplace bids, whatever keeps the household running outside of professional work). It’s not the dual-income solution that you need, but even the possibility of this may be enough to kick his motivation into gear—or at least, it’ll be a better use of his time than sitting around making an unimportant website all day. Make it clear that these are the requisites for keeping the relationship going, and if he’s unable to do his part, it will be grounds for considering separation. You don’t have to know right now exactly how that would work financially or otherwise, but I think it’s time to make the stakes crystal clear to Mark.

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Dear Prudence,

My daughter and her best friend, “Tina,” are both in middle school. A few months ago, I noticed that Tina’s teeth looked discolored, like they hadn’t been brushed in a while, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass her. Then recently Tina had to have a tooth extracted because of a severe cavity.

My daughter has shared with me that Tina’s mother does not take her for regular dental checkups. I don’t know if the reason for this is financial or just negligence. Tina seems otherwise happy and healthy. Should I get involved here? I haven’t spoken to Tina’s mother outside the occasional pick-up or drop-off, so I don’t know how she would take me butting into a situation that’s not really my business.

I would be willing to help them find resources for affordable dental care or even take Tina to the dentist myself. I don’t want to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I also don’t want fail to intervene if a child is being neglected.

—Worried About Dental Negligence

Dear Worried,

Yeah, considering that you think Tina is “happy and healthy” otherwise (and assuming your daughter hasn’t told you anything concerning beyond the missing dental checkups), I don’t think you can, as you say, “butt in” on Tina’s dental hygiene to her mother without at least making an effort to get to know both Tina and her mother better first. No one wants unsolicited parenting advice from a stranger, even if it’s well-intentioned. Find a way to introduce yourself or chat up Tina’s mom, either at pick-up/drop-off or separately, maybe even on a double lunch date with the girls. I think you want to get a sense for what’s going on in Tina and her mother’s life—e.g. it’s possible a dental plan has been established since the cavity?—before you can make a judgment call.

The other thought I had was: If your daughter and Tina have regular sleepovers, there’s a somewhat sneaky way to at least get a toothbrush in Tina’s possession. You could prepare sleepover “gift bags” swagged out with matching sleeping masks, “skincare” products, and yes, fancy-looking toothbrushes and toothpaste. It’s not not a meddlesome way to get involved, but it’s the most anodyne option if you just can’t help yourself.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m in my early 20s and luckily have been able to land myself an amazingly high-paying job. I currently live in an apartment with my boyfriend (we split expanses), and we both love to travel.

The problem is my sister. She didn’t go to college and dropped out of high school at 17 after becoming pregnant with my nephew (whom I adore). Fast forward to today, she’s a stay-at-home mom and has had two more kids who I spend a lot of time with. I recently got an amazing bonus and to celebrate my birthday, I’ve decided to go on a trip to the Maldives. My boyfriend and I both work a lot, so just spending time relaxing, drinking mai tais on the beach, and snorkeling sounds amazing. Well, when I told my family what we’re going to do, my sister threw a huge fit. She screamed at me, telling me that I should spend my birthday with her kids because she works so hard. I haven’t talked to her since this, and I don’t know what to do.

—I Just Want a Vacation

Dear Want a Vacation,

I do think you kind of messed up by openly bragging about your big vacation to your family, especially if you know about your sister’s situation. Obviously, that’s not what you meant to do: Certainly, you’re allowed to enjoy yourself, and you shouldn’t have to apologize for being able to afford a Maldives trip. But there needs to be a little awareness about how your lifestyle so obviously compares to hers. No wonder she reacted so dramatically.

I think you need to apologize to your sister for being insensitive. Tell her that you realize it sounded like you were bragging about your vacation, and that it must have been upsetting to hear about. I think you should also read into her unreasonable request to help babysit during your birthday the real, more reasonable request she’s making, which is that she needs a lot more help and support with the kids than you may realize. Whether you are willing to work out a larger (or at least more routine) commitment to babysitting her kids or not, I would certainly keep any updates about future splashy vacations out of her hearing range.

—Delia

Classic Prudie

A friend who vacations often discovered free wheelchair rides throughout the airport, making her first in line from ticket counters, security/TSA, to departure/arrival gates, to baggage claim, and first boarding with first access to onboard storage. Recently, her partner, who was running behind with the luggage, realized he too could get a chair and that the attendant must also haul the luggage. Put some meds in checked luggage, mark it “medical supplies,” and it’s free.