Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have a 3-year-old who is clearly more advanced than our neighbors’ son who is the same age. They want our kids to play together, but I don’t want our child’s intellect to be wasted on playing pedestrian games. What’s a polite way to tell them to look elsewhere for a friend for their kid?

—My Kid Doesn’t Need to Dumb Down

Dear Down,

Yikes! This is a bummer to read. I assume you are aware that even the most genius prodigies among us will spend much of their lifetime interacting with plenty of people who are less intellectually “advanced”? I suppose you can think of the two of them playing together as practice. But even if I did believe that intellectual stimulation should be the only point of socializing one’s children, I would venture a guess that there’s much a toddler can learn about patience and empathy from spending time with kids who are different from them. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news lately, but developing those qualities is not exactly pedestrian stuff.

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling with my relationship with my sister. We’ve never lived in the same city, but I recently moved closer to her (from the other side of the world to an hour-long flight away). She’s married with kids, while I’m single, and we have very different lives. She texts constantly—updates about her life, her kids, or small talk—which I find overwhelming, especially since much of it feels more like validation-seeking than meaningful conversation.

I don’t always reply right away, which frustrates her. She insists she’s checking in on me, but she rarely asks how I am. When I try to set boundaries, she gets defensive and even uses her children to guilt me. The truth is: We’re not as close as she thinks. I want a better relationship, but not on these terms. How can I create balance without pushing her away?

—Anxious Sister

Dear Anxious,

It sounds to me like your sister is lonely and has no one else to talk to. She has designated you as her 24/7 on-call source of validation and support, and she’s so mired in her own problems that it’s hard for her to see how one-sided this relationship has become. If you want to rejigger the terms of this relationship, you’re going to have to get very real with her.

Next time you’re in town, take her out to lunch and tell her, calmly and lovingly, “You seem like you have a lot going on and no one else to really talk to. I care about you, but I think you need more support than what I can give you. I can’t text back constantly, and I’m just not the best person to relate to what you’re going through because our lives are pretty different.” It may feel counterintuitive to frame this conversation as one where you’re concerned (versus angry, which you have the right to be), but the end goal here is to communicate with your sister that the way she’s conducting your relationship is simply not to her own benefit. She needs other friends, and ideally, other married/mom friends who can relate to her.

I would also figure out if there’s something you can do together to bond that doesn’t involve much conversation, frankly. If you weren’t long-distance, I would suggest that you plan some in-person activities together (like going to a weird workout class or watching a movie). In lieu of that, you could propose to keep up with a specific TV show together, find one shared interest you two can dish about over the phone, or make plans to visit one another during an upcoming long weekend. You basically want to shift the dynamic into one where you’re both experiencing things together (which will give you both something shared to talk about!) instead of endlessly “catching up” forever.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m a college student. I was born without legs, and I’ve lived my entire life without them. My grandmother recently entered a retirement home, where she’s discovered a fascination for YouTube shorts. She now sends me videos about people with random disabilities—including a quadriplegic bride, athletes with prosthetic limbs (which I’ve never used), blind children learning how to use a cane, and stroke victims learning how to walk. It just feels like any time she sees a video of someone with a disability she thinks, “Oh, I know who’d appreciate this—my granddaughter who uses a wheelchair!” I know she means well. Or maybe she’s trying to say, “Why aren’t you doing more with your life?” Either way, I think it’s kind of weird and I’d like her to stop. My mom and brother think I’m being too harsh and that I should just let her love me the way she does. I want to find a way to gently tell her that her heart is in the right place but I’d rather she send me the same types of videos she shares with the rest of my family.

—I’d Rather It Stopped

Dear Rather,

It sounds like she’s just Extreme Grandma-ing in that she wants to bond over stuff, but has no idea what kind of stuff you’re actually interested in. I think your grandmother could benefit from a little gentle steering toward a YouTube Shorts topic that you both can enjoy. Ask if you can send her some videos that you like (aim for something anodyne and easy, such as funny animal videos), and express enthusiasm when she returns the favor. Give her some time for the algorithm to adjust, of course. Still, if she sticks with the random disabilities content, you’re well within your rights to say, “You know, Grandma, this stuff makes me kind of sad, and I don’t like being sad.” Talk to her the way you would with a young child who doesn’t know they’re being offensive, and be prepared to repeat yourself a few times to get the message across.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Throughout that time, I have known his best friend, who I consider to be a nice person and a great friend. For a few years, this friend lived in another state with his roommate. Then, they moved back to our state together, still as roommates. We started hanging out with them more. First, the roommate was OK. Then, I was cornered by him during hangouts, trapped in one-sided conversations about his interests. I found out from multiple girlfriends of mine that he creeped them out and sent them unsolicited messages on social media. My last straw was when one of my friends, a single mother who was once subject to this guy’s unwanted advances, showed me messages he sent her on social media calling her a freeloading immigrant and other insults. I told my husband—who had been apprised of all these events up to this point and my increasing dislike of this person—that I no longer wanted to share space with the roommate of his best friend. Yes, these two straight men have been roommates for almost 20 years, and like a couple in a romantic relationship, they are seemingly inseparable. We know that if we invite my husband’s best friend anywhere, the roommate will tag along.

My husband is resentful that he “can’t” invite his best friend to our house or make group plans with him because I don’t want to be in the presence of the roommate. It makes me feel awful, both for him and his friend, who I still like, though I wouldn’t say he and I are that close. I have tried softening my stance and telling my husband that I’ll just deal with it if he invites them over occasionally but my husband says no. He says he understands but he still complains about it and holds it against me when we talk about inviting people over. It often leads to an argument with him bringing up the flaws of my friends, none of whom have offended him. Is there any way out of this guilt trip? Can we detach this roommate from our friend—at least when we invite him to things—so that we can include him in our life?

—Odd Couple Offended

Dear Offended,

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to separate your social lives a little. Both of you clearly don’t love the full package experience that comes with hanging out with each others’ friends. You don’t like this best friend’s ever-present plus one, and he has now voiced his separate issues with yours. I’s not healthy for anyone in a relationship to dictate who the other chooses to spend their time with (or which other people might be a part of that experience) outside of some extreme circumstances. This roommate sounds offensive and insulting, but unless he’s directed those sentiments at you personally, it’s not fair to expect your husband to go to bat for his wife’s friend against his friend’s roommate—it’s just too many degrees removed from what you both can control.

You need to come to terms with the fact that your husband may occasionally hang out with individuals you find distasteful. But you can also set certain rules and expectations for how it affects you. For example, I think you can ask for a heads-up if this friend plus roommate combination is going to be in your shared home; that way, you know when to steer clear. In the meantime, enjoy some non-husband-related friend time on your own, and wish him well with handling this strange little friendship triad he’s in!

—Delia

Classic Prudie

I was adopted in a closed adoption in the early 1960s. I found my (now late) birth mother in the early aughts. Although she did not want contact, and I respected that, her other, older son reached out. I have since met him, our (now late) grandmother, and my older half-sister (with whom I maintain contact). My half-brother, who would have been 3 or 4 years old when I was born, had no knowledge of me until the letter I’d written to my mother reached my grandmother and she contacted him.