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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need your opinion on a new parenting method. Five years ago, my husband and I had our only child, Stewart. We love him dearly, and he’s surrounded by a supportive, loving family. Stewart is typically a sweet, social boy who thrives in peewee sports. However, we struggle with his behavior. He yells often, plays aggressively (though good-naturedly), demands attention from adults, and is generally rambunctious. While we know this is common for a 5-year-old boy, it’s tough to address, especially with many parents around us following “gentle parenting” and disapproving of discipline.
Recently, my husband and I went on a business trip abroad and left Stewart with my sister for a week and a half. My sister spends a lot of time with us, knows Stewart well, and isn’t shy about correcting him. When we left, we assumed we’d return to the same Stewart—but we were wrong.
When we got back, my sister and Stewart met us at the airport. Stewart was thrilled to see us but noticeably calmer and more focused. On the drive home, he sat quietly in his seat, entertaining himself with a book—something he never does. When we arrived, he calmly got out of the car but ran toward a stray cat he saw nearby. Suddenly, my sister made a sharp “chh” sound and froze. Stewart immediately stopped, turned, and ran back to her. She pulled a clicker from her pocket, clicked it, and handed him a Jolly Rancher. He said, “Thank you,” unwrapped the candy, and walked inside quietly.
I was stunned and immediately asked her what was going on. She explained that she had “fixed” Stewart’s behavior while we were gone. As a professional dog and cat trainer, she had used her expertise to clicker train him. She started with basic commands, rewarding him with treats like candies and marshmallows, and introduced a reprimand sound (“chh”). He learned commands like “sit,” “hold,” “quiet,” “come,” “hand,” “walk,” and “free.” Now, he doesn’t even need treats, he just responds to the clicker.
At first, I was skeptical this would last, but it’s been a game changer. When we say “quiet,” Stewart immediately stops yelling. “Hand” makes him grab our hand and hold on until we release him. “Free” lets him know he can relax and play. There’s no more yelling, running around, or public embarrassment—just a calm, polite, well-behaved child. I thought I’d hate this, but I actually love it! The issue is, I’ve gotten some weird looks and comments. One parent even said this method is borderline abusive. So now I’m questioning myself: Am I a bad parent? Is this method crazy or unethical? Or maybe genius?
—To Click or Not to Click
Dear Click,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing what you’re doing. Your sister found a method (albeit a somewhat quirky one) that has led to a marked improvement in Stewart’s behavior. You’re not harming nor depriving him of anything. I say keep going as long as it works, and consider sending your sister a nice gift. The clicker may get you a few stares or questions, but if it keeps your kid on the right path, you should be glad to have it. I’d imagine you’ll eventually end up advising other parents on how to use this style of engagement.
—Jamilah
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